PROLOGUE

This story begins in September 2000, a little over two years after Full Circle ended. Since then, several events have occurred in Port Charles.

Jax and Brenda have now been married for over four years and Jillian will celebrate her third birthday in a few weeks. J & J Jacks continues to prosper in Port Charles much to the chagrin of Edward Quartermaine.

Jerry and Julia have just celebrated their first wedding anniversary and actually are still speaking to one another on most occasions. Julia continues to oversee the operation of Barrett Industries as well as to provide full time management services to J & J Jacks.

John and Jane Jacks split their time between Alaska and Port Charles equally now. John has cut back on his duties with J & Jacks but his health has remained stable.

The official dedication for the housing facility known as Kanga's Kradle occurred in the Spring of 1999. Since then, three other hospitals in the region have adopted plans to implement such programs. Brenda continues to oversee the General Hospital facility and also has a management role in the regional branches.

Brenda is no longer modeling for Jacks' Cosmetics but instead provides the company with consultant services on their ad campaigns. She and Lois still operate L&B Records which now has a full staff of employees to assist in the handling of the numerous artists under contract with the company.

Jax, Brenda and Jane began a joint business venture in 1999 with the purchase of a horse farm outside of Port Charles. J & B Stables raises thoroughbreds and has outstanding training facilities for various racing and show events. Brenda's Dream is still the favorite attraction of the stable having garnered various awards over the past season. Jax oversees the training facilities while Jane handles the breeding arrangements and Brenda manages the show/racing requirements.

Lois and Ned welcomed Anthony Edward Ashton into the world this past April. He was named after both of his paternal great grandfathers. Edward hated the name but quickly kept his mouth shut when Lois said it was that or Benson Hurst Ashton. Ned and Justus run ELQ as a team and Ned continues to perform with the Idle Rich on a limited basis.

Robin graduated from Yale this past May and is now attending Port Charles University for graduate studies in medical research. Her health has remained stable and she is concentrating on AIDS research in her studies. Her relationship with Jason ended over a year ago. Thereafter, Jason moved to Puerto Rico with Sonny when Sonny relocated the heart of his organization there.

Mac and Felicia were married earlier this year and Edward and Lila also celebrated their fifty-fifth wedding anniversary.

There has been much happiness and joy over the past two years throughout Port Charles but there has also been anguish and grief. Jax and Brenda have suffered it in the most painful way imaginable. Circle of Love begins as they are just beginning to face the aftermath of this sorrow. It will be difficult but, between each other and their family and friends, a Circle of Love will always surround them.

Chapter 1

Wednesday, September 1, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- Noon

Anton pulled the limousine into the circular driveway and put the car in park. He quickly exited the vehicle and opened the passenger door to help Brenda from the car. Charles greeted Brenda immediately as Anton removed her bags from the limousine.

"Welcome back, Mrs. Jacks. Your room is ready and I am available for anything you need. I can prepare lunch for you now."

Brenda gave Charles a half smile. "Thank you, Charles, but I am not really hungry."

Charles took a slow breath. "Would you like me to unpack for you?"

"No, thank you. If you and Anton can just get the bags to my room, I will handle the rest later."

Brenda gave him another forced half smile and walked into the house. Charles looked at Anton who just shook his head. Charles felt a pain in his heart. It had been over a year since he had seen her and she looked so different. She had been so happy and vivacious on her last trip to Malibu. Charles remembered how Jax and Brenda had celebrated her 25th birthday there and how Jillian had loved the sand. Now, the sadness in Brenda's eyes burned a hole in his chest. She looked like she had lost ten pounds and the circles under her eyes made her look ten years older.

Although Charles had not seen Jax since the tragedy occurred, Charles doubted he looked much better. Hearing Jax's voice yesterday when he called to alert Charles of Brenda's arrival had convinced Charles that Jax was suffering just as much. It was painful to hear him and now Brenda's anguish could be seen from fifty feet away. Charles knew that they both were still living in their own hell and it killed him. Charles was their employee but he also cared for them deeply and their pain was almost too much to bear.

Brenda walked out the huge glass doors to the terrace overlooking the ocean. The sunlight was reflecting off the pool and wildflowers bordered the wooden steps leading to the beach. The ocean was calm but the sound of the sea gulls and the sound of the small crests of waves breaking against the shore rang throughout the air. Brenda closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. It was the same as it had been the first time she had ever seen the Malibu house. That was almost 4-1/2 years ago now and again she was here to heal. The first time, it had been for physical recovery but now it was for emotional healing. Brenda knew it was time to crawl her way back. She needed to do it for Jax and Jillian but mostly she had to do it for herself. Now she just had to find the strength and courage to do it.

Brenda walked down the steps to the beach. The ocean air always had a calming influence on her and that was what she needed now. Brenda took off her shoes and began to walk up the beach. The sun reached its afternoon peak as she walked for miles. It gave her time to think and to start to deal with the memories which, until two months ago, she had buried deep within her. Her talks with Kevin and her sessions with Melanie had forced her to face some of the memories but the most painful ones still had to be confronted. Brenda knew she needed to begin to face these memories herself before she and Jax could share them.

Brenda knew he was in anguish and she was adding to it. She had pushed him so far away over the past several months that she did not know why he was still there. Brenda shook her head at that thought -- of course she knew why he was there, he loved her and was committed to her. She loved him more than anything in this life but her own doubts could have destroyed that. Her sessions with Melanie had made Brenda realize the pattern she had developed with the men in her life. The sessions had opened her eyes finally to her actions and motivations in trying to convince her father, Jagger and Sonny to love her. In her heart, she knew Jax was not like these men and that she had nothing to prove to him but sometimes her head forgot that fact.

When Brenda felt she had failed, disappointed and hurt Jax eight months ago, she shut herself off to him and to everyone else who loved her. Her head was telling her that he would eventually leave her just like everyone else had so she put up walls as a defense mechanism. She had never truly believed she deserved his love and now she understood why thanks to the sessions. Now she realized that all that pushing Jax away had accomplished was costing them eight months of life together -- eight months of healing and coping and loving. Now, her head knew that but it was her heart which was running scared. Brenda did not know if she could deal with her own pain and she did not know if she could face Jax's pain either.

Jax was her best friend and the love of her life but she could not talk to him about this even eight months after they had lost their little boy. She could finally speak to Melanie and even Jane and Robin about it, but not Jax. Jamie had been theirs and only theirs but Brenda could not bear the idea of seeing that look in Jax's eyes again. It was too difficult, she loved him too much. Brenda remembered Melanie telling her that it was because she loved Jax so much that it was so hard to see him suffering. Melanie had told Brenda that she had to find a way to share her grief with Jax and Brenda was now in Malibu to try to prepare herself for that.

Brenda finally sat down at the water's edge and dipped her feet into the water. She heard the sound of children and looked up the beach a few hundred feet away and saw a woman with a little girl about Jillian's age and a little boy who looked to be about a year old. They were playing at the water's edge and tears rolled down Brenda's cheeks as she watched them. The little girl was laughing and the woman was holding the hands of the little boy as he screeched when the water hit his toes.

Brenda took a deep breath and looked back at the water in front of her. Two months ago she would have run in the opposite direction of the scene before her. She had come a long way from that point but she still had so far to go. She wondered why Lois was even speaking to her at times since Brenda had avoided her like the plague since they lost Jamie. It had been too painful to see Lois in the last stages of her pregnancy and then it was no easier to see her after she had given birth to Anthony four months ago. It had only been over the past few weeks that Brenda had begun spending time with Lois again but Brenda had not yet mustered up the courage to hold Anthony. Brenda's mind started to flash back to her first glimpse of Jax with Anthony but she quickly dismissed that from her mind. She was not ready to face that anguish now. Her nightmares tormented her enough with that vision.

Brenda stood up and started to head back toward the house. She could not help but remember the last time she had been in Malibu. It had been March of last year and it was her 25th birthday and also Jillian's first trip to the house. Jillian was eighteen months old at the time and loved to run in the sand and chase the sea gulls. It had taken Brenda and Jax four days to get Jillian to stop eating the sand. It had been a perfect trip for all of them. It had also been the trip where Jax and Brenda had decided it was time to give Jillian a little brother or sister.

Brenda felt a chill run through her as she trembled. It was ninety degrees outside but for a brief moment, her body felt as if she were in Alaska in February. The feeling passed as she walked in the sand. Brenda's mind then went to the trip to the Mediterranean two months after they had left Malibu the last time. She and Jax had spent two weeks on the Isabella touring the Greek Islands for their third anniversary. Jane and John had meet the yacht in Rhodes and taken Jillian back with them so Jax and Brenda could spend the last few days of their anniversary trip alone. It was there that Jamie had been conceived. Brenda knew from almost the moment it had happened. Her heart was full of love and she was sure that they had created a life from the love they had shared together. A few weeks later, her suspicions were confirmed and Jax was thrilled.

Brenda sighed and tears crept from the corners of her eyes again. The baby was due at the end of February smack between Jax's January birthday and Brenda's birthday in March. It had been so wonderful and then Lois announced two months later that she and Ned were expecting a baby in April. The babies would be so close that Brenda and Lois immediately envisioned them as the best of friends just like their mothers were. It had all been perfect for months until that day when the world crashed in on Jax and Brenda's fairytale life.

It had started off as a normal day. It was Christmas Eve so Jane and John were in town and Jerry and Julia were coming over for Christmas Eve dinner. The baby was due in about eight weeks and the pregnancy had been uneventful to this point. Then everything changed within a matter of hours. During the afternoon, Brenda began to feel nauseous but thought she had eaten something that had not agreed with her. Then an hour later, she began to feel as if she could not breathe and then the contractions started. Jax called Dr. Meadows who told them to get to the emergency room. Brenda was panicking and felt like she was going to faint. The contractions would not stop and she was terrified. Jax knew from the sound of Dr. Meadows' voice that there was a major problem.

The gravity of the problem was confirmed immediately upon Brenda's arrival in the emergency room. The placenta had completely separated from her uterus and the baby was gone. It was a severe abruption and nothing would have been possible to save the baby. At this point, Brenda was still in danger herself and the baby and placenta had to be delivered. She was in shock from the blood loss and Dr. Meadows was having a difficult time controlling the hemorrhaging. The last thing Dr. Meadows wanted to do now was to perform a cesarean to deliver the baby. Finally the hemorrhaging was controlled but Brenda and Jax then had to go through the ordeal of delivering a child that they knew they had already lost. Later that evening, Brenda delivered a son. Throughout the pregnancy, Brenda was so certain that she was carrying a boy that she had already begun referring to the baby as Jamie -- the nickname for his given name of James Christopher. Now he was gone and nothing would ever be the same. It was Christmas Eve but to Jax and Brenda and their friends and family, it was just the beginning of a nightmare.

Brenda stopped on the beach again as she began to sob. It had been eight months but the memories made her feel as if it were yesterday. She had never experienced such anguish and now it still felt as if someone was continually driving a stake through her heart. She did not know if she and Jax could ever get past this. Brenda knew the only chance they had was to do it together but she had built up so many walls, it was going to take quite a bit of effort to knock them down. This trip and her sessions with Melanie were the start of that process. Now all Brenda needed was the faith in herself and the faith in her relationship with Jax to begin what would prove to be the greatest challenge she had ever faced. It was going to be difficult and painful but it was their only hope.

The Jacks Residence -- 8:00pm

Jax had tucked Jillian into bed for the night and had finished reading her a bedtime story. He turned off the light and stood at the bedroom door as she began to drift off to sleep. She was so beautiful and she looked more like Brenda every day. They had the same laugh but now a part of Jax cringed when he heard Jillian laugh. He had not heard Brenda laugh since Jamie's death and hearing Jillian laugh only reminded him of how much he missed hearing Brenda's laughter.

Jillian lifted her head up slightly from the pillow. "Daddy, I remembered to talk about Mommy when I said good night to God."

Jax smiled at Jillian. "You did?"

Jillian shook her head up and down the same way Brenda did when she was excited. "Yes, just like Mommy asked me to before she went to the beach."

Jax walked back into the bedroom and sat on Jillian's bed. "What did Mommy ask you to do?"

"She asked me to ask God to help her feel better so she could be back soon." Jillian then sat up. "Daddy, Mommy's really sad, isn't she?"

Jax slowly exhaled. "Yes, princess, but remember the doctors are going to make her feel better."

"I don't like it when Mommy is sad or when she cries."

Jax ran his hand through Jillian's dark ringlets of curls. "Neither does Daddy but Mommy is going to get better very soon. Now I think it is time for you to go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow with our trip with Brooke to the zoo."

Jillian clapped her hands together. "Mommy said I could see the baby elephant just like Dumbo."

Jax covered Jillian back up with the blanket. "Yes, we will see the baby elephant."

"Can we take pictures to show Mommy?"

"Yes, princess."

Jillian closed her eyes. "I will tell Mommy that when she calls tomorrow."

Jax walked away from the bed. "Yes, you can tell Mommy. Good night angel. Daddy loves you and so does Mommy."

Jillian lifted her hand and waved good night to Jax. "Good night Daddy. Remember to talk to God about Mommy."

Jax nodded. "I won't forget, I promise that."

Jax walked out of Jillian's room and walked down the hall. He passed the closed door and stopped. He turned around and stood in front of the door again for a few moments. He finally realized his hand was on the door knob and he slowly turned the knob. Jax pushed the door open and flipped the light switch. The room was completely bare except for the carpeting on the floor. Even the wallpaper border had been removed from the walls. This room had brought them so much joy and happy memories with Jillian but now it was just a reminder of the emptiness in their lives without Jamie.

Jax was drawn inside the room and he walked to the middle of the floor and sat down. He could see Brenda in the room getting things organized for the baby. She was so full of life then but now everything was different. Jax closed his eyes as he thought back to those first few months after Jamie's death. Everything had happened so fast that everyone was in shock and disbelief for days. Then the numbness set in. Brenda had been in the hospital for a few days and of course Christmas was non-existent and Jax wondered how Christmas would ever be a time of joy again. What had been Brenda's favorite time of the year now was going to be a reminder of loss and sadness. Nothing was going to be the same.

The first three months after Brenda had come home from the hospital were a blur to Jax. He knew they were functioning as if they were robots. Neither realized what was going on with the other because each was trying to deal with their own grief. Jax had become very angry while Brenda fought to suppress everything she was feeling. Jane and John were worried about the two of them and Jane finally spoke to Jax about her worries. By then, Jax was prepared to deal with his own grief as well as Brenda's but she was now pushing him away. It was a gradual thing initially but little by little, she was shutting him out. Except for the times in the hospital, she had never broken down about the baby. She did not want to talk about the subject at all with anyone including Jax. He knew she was in deep denial and one day it was going to incapacitate her but he could not convince her otherwise.

Jax continued to sit in the empty nursery as the events of the past several months ran through his mind. There were so many nights when he needed to be held and when he needed to hold her but there may as well have been a brick wall between them. Jax had never felt so lonely and he missed her so much it hurt. She was working all the time with Kanga's Kradle and as a consultant for Jacks' Cosmetics. Then Brenda began scheduling trips to breeders to evaluate thoroughbreds for the horse farm she and Jax had bought the year before. She was doing everything she could to avoid dealing with him and their loss. Jax did not think it could get any worse but by the end of April, that is just what happened.

Lois gave birth to Anthony in April and Brenda just could not handle seeing the child that she had expected Jamie to grow up with as a brother. She avoided visiting the new house down the road that Ned and Lois had purchased and she began to do her L&B work from the offices of Kanga's Kradle instead of from the gate house where the studio remained. Then the final straw occurred in May. Jimmy, the child who had inspired Brenda to establish Kanga's Kradle and who Brenda had become very close to over the past year and a half and who Brenda had named Jamie after, developed major complications from his heart problems. Things quickly went down hill and the doctors were unable to save him. Another child who she loved was gone and her life was now out of control.

It was just all too much for her. She stopped eating and fell into a severe depression. Brenda gave up playing the piano and she ceased spending any time in the gazebo or the gardens. She was avoiding anything and everything that had ever brought her any joy. It was if she was punishing herself. Jax did not know what to do to help her. Then the nightmares began and she stopped sleeping for fear of being haunted by the memories in her sleep. Brenda refused to discuss anything with Jax and she became so paranoid about Jillian's safety that she was smothering her. She did not want Jillian out of her sight so she stopped leaving the house. Brenda was obsessed by the fear of losing her daughter now. Julia was so upset that she could not see her without breaking into tears once she was out of Brenda's sight. Jax felt helpless and knew she was dying a little each day. Her eyes showed no sparkle nor light any longer, they only showcased her pain. She was not his Brenda any longer, he did not even recognize her anymore and it scared the hell out of him.

Jax went to see Kevin to see what could be done but Kevin told him what Jax already knew himself. Brenda was going to have to help herself this time, no one could do it for her. She had to want to be helped and ask for it herself. Jax had never felt so frustrated and he and Brenda were almost like strangers. The only time she showed any emotion was when she was with Jillian. He had lost his wife and his best friend and he was afraid for Brenda. They were all living in a nightmare.

Robin had graduated from Yale at the end of May and come back to Port Charles. She was very concerned about Brenda and began to spend time with her and Jillian. Periodically, Brenda would say something to Robin about what had happened and what she was feeling but Robin was the only person Brenda could even open up to at this point. Jax watched her drifting away from him more every day and he knew Brenda was heading for a major fall. Finally he confronted her about it but all that did was cause the most serious argument they had ever had and create further tension between them. Jax suggested that they go speak to someone to help them deal with their grief but she would not agree to such. It was a no-win argument with her just like the one they had two months after Jamie's death when Brenda had become obsessed about birth control. She refused to even discuss the possibility of ever having another baby and even had talked about having surgery to prevent that from ever happening. Jax had insisted that it was not time to make any decision like that and they had gotten into a huge fight about it. Now birth control was the least of their problems since making loving had not been a priority issue for them for several months now.

Jax stood up and looked out the nursery window as the lights around the patio and the pool illuminated the night darkness which was now emerging. It was an event in the pool two months ago that had finally brought Brenda to the breaking point. It was a weekend and Robin was spending the afternoon at the pool with Brenda and Jillian. Jax was just walking onto the terrace from the living room when it happened. Jillian was running beside the pool and got away from Brenda. Jillian slid on the wet concrete and fell into the deep end of the pool. Brenda began screaming and Jax ran down the steps and jumped into the pool. Jillian was treading water before he even got to her. She had been given swimming lessons over the past two summers and was doing just what she was supposed to do. Brenda was frantic and her hysteria completely unnerved Jillian who then began screaming. Brenda continued to scream about losing Jillian and Jax knew she was at her breaking point.

Jax got out of the pool with Jillian and tried to make Brenda understand that Jillian was fine but Brenda was still hysterical. Robin took Jillian from Jax and then took her into the house as Brenda collapsed into his arms. Jax held Brenda like she was a child and whispered to her as he rubbed her back. He moved her to a chaise lounge and sat down with her in his lap as he stroked her hair and rocked her like a baby. All the tears she had been holding back for months came. It was if the dam burst and Brenda's arms were in a death grip around Jax's neck. She then stopped crying long enough to tell him she needed help. Her hysteria had originally scared the life out of him but then he almost was relieved that she had broken down. Now maybe they could start living again.

Jax sighed as he walked to the nursery door and looked again at the emptiness of the room. He thought back to the original call to Kevin. Kevin had recommended for Brenda to see Melanie McAdams who was now a staff psychiatrist at General Hospital. She had recently completed a two year sabbatical to study and then write a case study compilation on the topic of grief counseling. Brenda seemed to feel comfortable with Melanie from their first meeting and Brenda had seen her for intense sessions over the past two months. Brenda was more like herself now. Her paranoia about Jillian had subsided and she was beginning to eat normally again. Her nightmares were not nearly as frequent so she was sleeping a little better. She still was not ready to share her feelings with Jax about Jamie but he was trying to be patient. They could at least communicate again about other things now. She knew he loved her and he knew she loved him. It was a start for her and for them. When Brenda was ready, Jax would be there for her and he believed she would be there for him again.

Jax shut off the light and closed the nursery door. He walked down the steps into the foyer. The house was so quiet without her. It just made him miss her more. Jax wanted to pick up the phone and call her but he had promised her and himself that he would not do that. She needed this time to pull herself together and she would call him when and if she needed him. She would speak to Jillian every night at dinnertime but Maggie or Corrine would always be there to answer the call. Jax knew Brenda was doing the only thing she could do now and she had to do it alone. It was killing him but they needed to be apart now.

Jax walked into the den as the phone rang. "Hello."

"Hello son. It is just your dear old Mum calling to check on you."

Jax smiled as he sat down on the couch. "I am surviving."

Jane's voice became softer. "Really?"

Jax took a deep breath. "No, not really. I love her so much, Mum, and I can't help her now. I can't protect her from this."

Jane closed her eyes and sighed. "No, you can't and I know how that is killing you. We always want to protect those people we love most in this world but sometimes we just can't."

Jax's voice wavered. "I can't live without her, Mum."

Jane took a deep breath in order to control her composure as the pain in Jax's voice engulfed her. "When she is ready, you will help her. You will help each other and you will both get through this. You two love each other too much for that not to happen."

Jax slowly exhaled. "I'm not letting her go, Mum. I am not giving up on us."

"Trust me, Jax, she knows that and that is what is getting her through this. She is counting on the two of you."

Jax brushed away a tear from his cheek. "I hope so. I just want her to be happy again."

Jane swallowed hard. "Jax, she will be. You both will be happy."

Jax took a deep breath. "Will you still be here the day after tomorrow to attend the Nottingham show?"

Jane drummed her finger on the table as she decided it was time to do something she should have done months ago. "Yes, but not until late. I have a stop to make before I hit Port Charles. How is Jillian?"

"She is fine. We are off to the zoo tomorrow with Ned and Brooke."

Jane laughed. "I am sure Jillian is excited."

Jax smiled. "Yes, she is. Brenda promised to call her tomorrow night to find out how our day with the lions, tigers and bears was."

"Okay, well I had better get off this phone before your father destroys dinner again. I will see you in a few days. Please give our love to Brenda when you speak to her."

"I will."

"Son, please keep the faith you have in your love. You and Brenda are going to get through this together."

Jax smiled again. "Thank you Mum. I love you. Good night."

"I love you too, Jax. Good night."

Jax hung up the phone and leaned back on the couch. He then closed his eyes and complied with Jillian's final request for the evening as he talked to God about helping Brenda come home to them soon.

Malibu Beach House -- 8:45pm
The Jacks Residence -- 11:45pm

Brenda walked into the bedroom after spending the past thirty minutes in the bathtub. She was tired from the trip and her time on the beach, physically as well as emotionally. She needed to finish unpacking and then get to bed in the hopes that she could get some peaceful rest. She walked over to the suitcase and pulled out the picture frame which contained a picture of Jax and Jillian from the Memorial Day picnic at the Quartermaines. Brenda had not felt up to seeing people but Jax had taken Jillian to the party and Ned had taken the photo and given it to Brenda. Brenda placed the photograph beside the bed next to the vase of pink tulips that Jax had sent to the house before she arrived. He was still the most loving man she had ever known even with the hell they were going through.

Brenda put her clothes in the dresser drawers and the closet and then grabbed her carry-on bag to complete the unpacking. She found an unfamiliar box at the bottom of the bag. Brenda took the box from the bag and sat down on the bed. She opened the box and found a note at the top. She recognized Jax's handwriting on the grey piece of stationery and slowly opened up the note.

My Darling,

Jax

Tears spilled onto the stationery as Brenda put the note under her pillow. The note joined the dog-eared piece of ivory stationery she had earlier removed from the carry-on bag. She then opened the box and a sob caught in her throat as she pulled the yacht from the carefully wrapped tissue paper.

Brenda brought the yacht to her lips as the tears flowed. She laid back on the pillow and closed her eyes as she whispered Jax's name. She looked at the phone but she overcame her desire to pick it up. He was with her just like he had reminded her in the note. He was entrenched in her heart along with Jillian. That had never changed for one moment in this nightmare.

Meanwhile in Port Charles, Jax was sitting on the bed looking at the photograph of Brenda and Jillian from Jerry and Julia's wedding late last summer. They looked like two princesses radiating pure joy. They were his whole world and there was nothing he would not do for either of them.

Jax took off his robe from his shower and removed the aboriginal charm from his pocket. He climbed into bed with the aboriginal charm in his left hand and pulled the covers over him. He then grabbed the picture frame in his right hand and then brought the photograph to his lips.

Jax whispered. "I love you Brenda Barrett Jacks and I am never going to let you forget that."

As the stars lit the sky in Malibu, Brenda took off her robe and climbed into bed. As her tears subsided, Brenda picked up the picture frame and hugged it to her chest with her right hand as her left hand cradled the yacht. She sighed and felt her mouth form a slight smile. Finally she had shed some tears which weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of faith and hope and love. Maybe one day soon there would even be tears of peace.

After Brenda arranged the blanket, she unbuttoned the top button of Jax's white shirt she was wearing as a night shirt. At least she could still feel near him by wearing his shirts to bed every night. She then picked up the photo again from her lap and kissed it.

"I love you Jasper Jacks more than you will ever know."

Now as the moonlight beamed through the sky lights in the master bedrooms of the Port Charles and Malibu homes, it was time to say good night.

Jax placed the charm under his pillow and rested the picture frame on top of one of Brenda's pillows. He took the other pillow and placed it under his head so he could feel close to her. He turned out the light and the last thing he did before he closed his eyes was whisper to her again. "Good night my darling."

Brenda laid the picture frame next to her and then placed the yacht on the pillow. She then turned off the light and whispered into the moonlight. "Good night my love."

Tuesday, September 5, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- 8:00am

Brenda was sitting on the terrace finishing breakfast. She had actually been able to eat half a bagel this morning with her coffee even after eating most of her dinner last night. Her appetite was slowly returning. Of course she was not eating yogurt and bananas so in Jax's eyes, she had not eaten a healthy breakfast. And Jillian was just like him with her fondness for bananas. Brenda would have to almost hold her nose in order to peel them or feed them to Jillian every morning.

Brenda smiled to herself thinking about the grin Jax would give her at the breakfast table as they watched Jillian try to stuff both hands in her mouth so she could eat two pieces of banana at a time. Brenda would just roll her eyes at him and Jax would flash her an even bigger grin. She took a deep breath and shook her head. A vision of Jax handling the banana feeding duties popped into Brenda's head as she remembered how her morning sickness had prevented her from being even close to bananas when she was pregnant with Jamie.

The memories were all coming back now and she had stopped trying to resist them. They had to be faced and trying to bury them for the past several months had taken every ounce of energy she had. She could not fight them any longer and part of her was actually at peace with that now. She had been seeing Melanie at least three times a week for two months now and Melanie had helped Brenda realize that she was ready to face everything. After that, they could work on how Brenda was going to deal with it all.

She had spent the past three days with the images and yesterday she had faced a great deal. It had been rainy all day so Brenda had spent the day in the den. The room was small and cozy and Brenda had spent many hours there when she was recovering from the accident years ago on her first trip to the house. She had curled up into a chair with a blanket and a box of kleenex and listened to music. The memories came back slowly at first but then came to her like a flood. Brenda had been overwhelmed at one point and she picked up the phone and paged Melanie. It was Labor Day weekend and Melanie did not have office hours but she had made sure that Brenda had all her phone numbers before she left for Malibu. Melanie and Brenda had spoken for over an hour and Brenda was able to work through some things during the phone session.

Brenda took a sip of her coffee as the sun shined brightly on the terrace. Her mood was better today and she had only had one nightmare that she remembered from the night before. In their conversation yesterday, Melanie had told Brenda that she was feeling just what she was supposed to feel and that Brenda needed to trust herself and her feelings. That was one of the hardest hurdles left for Brenda now. She was still not convinced she could trust her own heart anymore -- she did not think she could live through anymore heartbreak which is why she had pushed Jax away. On the one hand, she could not bear the thought of shutting him out but she also could not allow herself to really love him for fear that she would eventually lose him.

Melanie had discussed this with her in depth yesterday on the phone. Brenda vividly remembered the conversation now.

"Brenda, do you love him?"

Brenda's voice was choked with emotion. "More than anything in this world."

Melanie continued her questions. "Do you believe he loves you?"

"Yes, I know that with every bit of my heart."

"Do you believe Jax would ever intentionally do anything to hurt you or cause you any pain and sorrow?"

Brenda's tears had returned. "No, not for one moment."

"Would you ever intentionally hurt him?"

"No."

"Brenda, are you hurting Jax now?"

Brenda wiped away the tears from her cheek. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I can't bear to see him in pain like that again. I can't take a chance of hurting him. I love him too much."

"Brenda, do you trust Jax?"

"Yes, more than anyone I have ever known. I trust him with my life and with our daughter."

"Does he trust you with his heart?"

Brenda nodded into the phone. "Yes."

"Does he trust you with Jillian?"

"Yes."

"So Jax loves you and trusts you with his heart and with his daughter. And you love him and trust him with your daughter?"

Brenda sighed. "Yes."

"He trusts you but you don't trust yourself with him. Do you question his judgments about trusting other people?

"No."

"Did you question his trust of you before you both lost Jamie?"

Brenda was sobbing again. "No."

Melanie spoke in a very quiet tone. "Brenda, do you think Jax blames you for Jamie's death?"

"No."

"Do you blame yourself?"

Brenda's voice was barely above a whisper. "No, not any more but...."

Melanie prodded her. "But what?"

Brenda's voice was shaking. "But I wasn't there for Jax. I pushed him away when he needed me. I can't believe he has forgiven me."

"Can you forgive yourself for that?"

Brenda's voice was a ragged whisper. "I don't know."

"Do you think it is fair to Jax that you are deciding unilaterally what is best for him?"

"No."

"Were you happy together, Brenda?"

Brenda closed her eyes. "More than you could ever imagine."

"Brenda, do you honestly believe that you deserve to be happy?"

Brenda took a deep breath. "Yes."

"Then I think you need to decide how much you want your happiness. I think you know what you want but you are allowing your fear and lack of self-trust to rule your life right now. Is that going to make you happy? If not, then you need to find a way to overcome that fear and trust yourself again. Only then can you open yourself up again to Jax so the two of you can work together to deal with your joint grief. Brenda, you have to make this journey on your own. No one can do it for you. You need to figure out how much you value your own happiness."

This morning, Brenda was just beginning to address Melanie's questions and comments. Surprisingly, they did not terrify her the way the issues had frightened her when she first began therapy two months ago. She felt more grounded and in control and now some of the guilt and anger were gone. However, Brenda still felt so alone at times. She was not sure if anyone, even Jax, could ever completely understand what she felt. Even still, Brenda knew what she wanted, she wanted Jax and she wanted their life back. She knew it would never be quite the same but she was not prepared to lose him. They had lost enough already. Now the hurdle was facing Jax and finally dealing with their loss together. It was the final step before they could start living the rest of their lives.

Malibu Beach House -- 10:30am

Brenda walked up the wooden stairs from her walk on the beach. She had needed to clear her head and get away from the intensity of her memories for a few moments. She sat down in a chair on the terrace and then heard the sliding door open. Brenda turned around expecting to see Charles but she was instead surprised at the sight of the person standing before her.

Jane exhaled slowly. "Hello love."

Brenda gave her a puzzled look. "Jane?"

Jane pulled out the chair beside Brenda and sat down. "Brenda, I know I should not be here but I could not stay away."

Brenda's paranoia kicked in and her face suddenly showed a look of fear. "Is something wrong?"

Jane patted Brenda's hand. "No, I am sorry if I scared you. I spoke to Jax and Jerry last night and everyone is fine. I am heading to Port Charles later today. I am here about you, my dear."

Brenda sighed. "Jane, I appreciate that but I have to do this for myself. I don't think you can help me."

"I have been waiting to talk to you for months and I am taking a terrible gamble being here. If John or Jax knew I was here, they would be livid. After this, you may not want to ever speak to me again since I am putting my nose in your business. I decided I had to take the chance though. You and Jax mean too much to me to do otherwise."

Brenda took a deep breath. "Jane, I know you want to help but I have to get through this alone now. I love you for caring so much about me but you don't understand."

Jane brushed a strand of hair from Brenda's cheek. "But I do, Brenda. I understand more than you know."

Brenda looked up at Jane and was suddenly hit with the look in her eyes. It was the same haunted look that Brenda saw when she looked in the mirror these days. "Oh my God."

Jane took Brenda's hand in hers. "Brenda, I know what it is like to live in your own worst nightmare and never be able to wake up from it. I understand what it is like to feel your arms ache and look down to see that they are holding nothing. Hell has to be better than this."

Brenda bit her bottom lip as the tears stung in her eyes. "I did not know. I am so sorry."

"Except for John, no one knows, not even the boys. Back then, no one talked about it and there was no one to help you through it. John and I just had to somehow deal with it and that was next to impossible."

Brenda felt her heart ache again. "What happened?"

Jane's voice shook slightly. "Jerry was about nineteen months old but he does not have any memories of me being pregnant with his sister. John was working in the mines in Western Australia and we were struggling but we were so excited about the baby. We were living outside of town, far from a hospital so a midwife was going to deliver the baby. Jerry had been delivered the same way and we had no warning that there was anything wrong."

Jane caught her breath and continued. "My time came and I went into labor and John went for the midwife. She arrived and since men were not involved in childbirth during those times, John left the room. I never had any idea there was a problem until she was delivered and there was no sound, none. I was terrified and alone and it was the loudest silence I had ever heard."

Brenda wiped away her tears and whispered, "I know. It is deafening."

Jane pulled out a handful of tissue from her pocket and handed some to Brenda. "In one sense, I was lucky since I had Jeannette at home. If she had been born in a hospital, I would have never seen her. She would have been taken away from me immediately. In those days, no one talked about the loss of children at birth. It was an unspoken issue which just made the pain even worse."

Brenda tightened her grip around Jane's hand. "But you did get to see her?"

Jane swallowed hard. "Yes. She was beautiful with a little curl of hair right in the middle of her forehead. I still remember exactly what she looked like even thirty five years later. She is still a part of us, just like Jamie will always be a part of you."

Brenda's tears flowed freely. "I will never forget seeing Jamie wrapped up in a blanket in my arms. He looked so perfect, just like a sleeping angel. I guess I will always find some comfort in that moment. At least Jax and I had the chance to hold him and I saw the child I had spoken to and sung to for months. He is gone but nothing can ever take that from me now."

Jane put her arm around Brenda. "Brenda, I did not come here to upset you. I know how alone you feel. I just wanted you to know that you can get through this. I know how difficult it looks now but you and Jax love each other so much, you can overcome this."

Brenda took a deep breath. "I shut him out for so long."

"Grief makes people do all types of things. You are working now to get back to each other, that is all that counts. Believe me, I made choices then that I regret now but eventually I pulled myself together."

Brenda blew her nose. "I can't imagine you ever needing to be pulled together. You are the strongest woman I know."

Jane smiled through her tears. "Trust me, I was a disaster. While you shut out Jax, I shut out Jerry instead. I tried to detach myself from him because I was afraid of losing him too. I was trying to protect myself from the pain. It does not work, Brenda."

Brenda shook her head. "No, it doesn't."

"You figured that out and are dealing with it now. It took me much longer. I cut myself off from Jerry for a whole year. I feel like I missed almost his entire second year of life. It took me a long time to get over the guilt of that."

Brenda looked directly at Jane and whispered to her. "But you did get over the guilt and forgive yourself?"

"Yes, and I don't think Jerry suffered any lasting effects. We became close again and he was my only baby after that for quite a number of years."

Brenda sighed. "I don't know how you had the courage to have another baby. I don't think I could ever do it again."

Jane rubbed Brenda's shoulder. "You have plenty of time to think about that. This is not the time to be making major life altering choices. I was not ready for a long time but I was rewarded in the end with Jax."

Brenda nodded. "So was I. If you and John had not been so brave, there would be no Jax in my life."

"He loves you so much, Brenda. You two are so connected, Jax is sharing every moment of your pain. He would do anything to spare you this."

Brenda shook her head. "I know, but this time he can't be my white knight. I know how difficult that is for him."

Jane exhaled slowly. "Yes, John was the same way. He wanted to fight my demons but only I could. You are beating your demons, Brenda, trust me."

"Is it ever going to get any easier?"

Jane stroked Brenda's cheek. "It will, my dear, I promise. You never forget, but you learn how to live with it. Jamie will always be in your heart."

A sob was caught in Brenda's throat. "Do you think that Jeannette and Jamie are taking care of each other now?"

Jane smiled. "I am sure of it and probably wreaking havoc in heaven just like the rest of the Jacks family does here."

Jane wrapped her arms around Brenda and held her tightly. Brenda sobbed like a little girl and Jane rocked her back and forth in her arms. Jane loved Brenda like she were her own child and her heart bled for the anguish Jax and Brenda were suffering. Jane knew how much they loved each other and that they had come much too far to give up on one another now.

The Jacks Residence -- 9:00pm

Jax walked into the house and dropped his briefcase at the foot of the stairs. He walked down the hall toward the den to find Jerry and Julia.

"Hey. How is Jillian?"

Jerry folded his arms together and grunted and Julia swatted his arm. "She is fine and is now fast asleep. It is her uncle who is sulking."

Jax shook his head. "What is it this time, little Jeremiah?"

Jerry glared at him. "Stop that, Jasper. That daughter of yours is impossible."

Jax sat down on the chair. "What happened?"

"She had the audacity to tell me that I was not making the correct kangaroo sounds when I was telling her a story. She says you and only you make the real kangaroo sounds. Do you believe it? She won't be three years old for a few more weeks and she is already a critic."

Julia rolled her eyes. "They did not sound like the sounds of any kangaroo I have ever heard either."

Jerry shook his head at Julia. "How many kangaroos have you ever even heard? Until you met me, you did not know a kangaroo from a horse, Ms. Cosmopolitan."

Julia shrugged. "You did not sound like Kanga from Jillian's Winnie-the-Pooh movie. Or Roo for that matter."

Jerry put his hand on his head in disbelief. "I don't believe you. What is with these Barrett women? You have already corrupted my niece with that porcelain doll obsession of yours. Then you were laughing right along with her at my perfectly correct kangaroo sounds and then the evening is topped off when her mother joins in on the fray."

Jax quickly looked up. "What about Brenda?"

Julia smiled. "Brenda is okay, Jax. She called to talk to Jillian when Jerry was sulking about the kangaroo sounds. Jillian told Brenda that Uncle Jerry was throwing a temper tantrum. When Jerry heard that, he teased Jillian by telling her that he was not going to get her a birthday present for her party at the end of the month."

Jerry stood up and finished the story. "And then Jillian repeated that to Brenda who in turn corrupts your daughter even more by telling Jillian to tell me that my threats are worthless since Aunt Julia handles all the money so she will be buying the birthday gifts. Jillian is giggling the whole time she is trying to repeat the message from Brenda and then Julia starts asking Jillian for a list of expensive gifts she wants for her birthday. I am telling you that you better do something about Jillian before her mother and aunt completely corrupt her."

Jax looked at Julia. "Do you think she really is okay?"

Julia nodded. "Yes. I spoke to her, Jax."

Jax's eyes widened. "You spoke to her?"

Julia put her palm over Jax's hand. "Yes, very briefly. She asked about you and she sounded better. I mean it, Jax, she really did."

Julia and Jerry exchanged glances as Jax took a deep breath and was obviously deep in thought. Jerry spoke up. "So how did the meetings go?"

Jax took a moment to focus on Jerry's question. "Productive but long. I don't think I had a spare minute since noon. I have not even had a chance to check if those figures have come in from Hong Kong on my e-mail. I have got plenty of work to do before tomorrow afternoon's presentation."

Julia stood up. "We had better get going then. Jerry probably has more sulking to do any way."

"Very funny, Julia." Jerry then stood up and looked at Jax. "Mum called from the air and she is due in shortly. She sounded tired and said it had been a very long day. Virgil just left to meet her at the airport."

"Good and hopefully she will get right to bed and get some rest." Jax then walked them out into the foyer. "Thank you again for being here with Jillian."

Julia kissed Jax good night. "It was our pleasure. Brenda is going to get through this. You both will."

Jerry patted Jax on the back. "Good night little brother. We will see you in the morning before the presentation."

"Good night both of you."

Jax closed the door behind them and picked up his briefcase to head upstairs to check on Jillian and then start to work. As he ascended the stairs, he spoke out loud. "Brenda, please be okay."

Brenda had gotten out of the bathtub and was listening to music from the clock radio beside the bed. It had become her evening ritual now. She had a headache from the deluge of tears she had shed today but she was still on her feet. The sky had not fallen in on her when she had talked to Jane this afternoon about those few moments with Jamie. She was still breathing.

Jane had spent several hours with her before heading to Port Charles. Brenda had opened up to Jane about Jamie in ways she had not opened up to anyone before. Brenda had started talking about that day in the hospital and then all her feelings had just spilled over. Jane had cried with her and held her and listened to her. For the first time, Brenda felt as if she had a mother again and she needed one now desperately. Jane's own tragedy made Brenda realize that she and Jax were not alone in their suffering and it also confirmed to Brenda firsthand that people could survive such a loss.

Brenda looked at the laptop sitting on the desk and sighed. She hoped she had done the right thing. She felt better and Melanie had said to trust her feelings so that is exactly what she had done this evening. Brenda laid back against the pillows and smiled at the picture frame and the yacht sitting on the night stand. She looked at the clock and saw the hour in Port Charles and wondered if Jax was already in bed himself.

In Port Charles, Jax threw the last of Andrew's financial projections into his briefcase. He then turned on the laptop to check if the Hong Kong projections had come in via e-mail yet. He read the first new message and was advised that the projections would be sent over at the close of business today, Hong Kong time. Jax clicked to the next message and that is when he saw it. He took a deep breath as his eyes perused the words.

Jax saved the e-mail as new and closed the laptop and put it on the shelf of the night stand beside him. Brenda was holding on and she loved him. He closed his eyes and a shiver went through him. He remembered how he had felt that first time he had ever heard her say those words.

"I love you Jax, I love you so much I feel dizzy."

"I really am yours, truly. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you."

It was if it were yesterday even though it had been almost four years now since he first heard her confession of love in the Quartermaine house. It still ranked as one of the best moments of his life. Jax sighed and turned off the light. Maybe tonight, he could sleep. He wished the same for Brenda. "Sweet dreams, my angel."

As the moonlight shimmered in the sky over Malibu, Brenda sat in bed. She moved her left hand back and forth slowly and watched as the light caught the glimmer of her wedding rings. They were so beautiful and they brought back such incredible memories. She was allowing herself to experience them again in her mind. She fingered the gold band and sighed. It was a circle with no beginning and no end. It was continuous and it was the perfect symbol of their love. Brenda missed Jax, she missed him more each day. She missed her partner and her lover. She missed her best friend.

Brenda reached under the pillow for the piece of folded ivory stationery. It had been folded and unfolded so many times that it looked like an unironed linen shirt. The words on the paper meant more to her than almost anything even though she had never heard them out loud except in her mind. Brenda unfolded the paper. The words gave her joy and they gave her strength. They gave her hope and faith in their assurance of a promise for their lives.

"Brenda, you know me."

"They've built us a home and fire and wind and flood can't touch it. They give me a place where I can love you from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

Brenda took a deep breath as she re-folded the paper. She placed the stationery under her pillow again before turning off the light. As she lowered her head to the pillow, she whispered into the night. "Jax, I am not letting go of us, I promise."

Thursday, September 7, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- 4:30am

Brenda stood on the balcony of the bedroom and looked into the darkness of the night. The sun would rise up over the horizon soon and a new day would begin. She had been awake for the past two hours and her mind was still racing. She had awakened from the nightmare that had become her nightly companion but it was different this time.

The nightmare had started the same as always, the sound of distant cries in the night and the tunnel. The faster and further she ran, the further away the cries became. Jamie needed her and she could not get to him. He was there but he wasn't. He had been lost to her before she could ever reach him. It was dark and she was alone.

Brenda had cried out in her sleep but she could not wake up. She had to wake up, this was torture. She cried out again but her eyes would not open. She had to wake up, this was always when she awoke. The walls were closing in on her and she could not escape them. It was getting darker and now she was covering her eyes in the tunnel. She was sobbing. It was darker than she had ever experienced and the blackness was too intense to bear. She was lost and then she heard his voice echoing.

"Brenda."

She turned toward the sound of the voice and she heard her name again.

"Brenda, I'm here."

She would not take her hands from her eyes but she was drawn to the voice. It was soothing and steady.

"Come to us. We are here. We need you."

She could hardly breathe now. Her heart was beating out of her chest and her sobs were making her gasp for air. But as she continued to walk, she was pulled to the voice.

"Don't give up, Brenda. Open your eyes."

She shook her head no. It was impossible. The darkness and loneliness would be excruciating. Her arms were so heavy as they felt the loss of the child she had once held.

"Please, we need you. We love you."

Her arms felt so empty and her heart was aching. She felt as if she were dead. She needed to be loved. She needed to love.

"You are almost there."

She continued to walk. Her hands still covered her eyes but she now was squinting. The light was blinding.

"Open your eyes. You're alive."

She shook her head again but the light intensified and she still heard the voice. It was right in front of her.

"Brenda, you're alive. You're full of fire and passion. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is."

She stumbled forward. "Jax."

Then she heard another voice. "Mommy, we have been waiting for you."

Her eyes flew open and he was there holding Jillian. Jillian had her arms stretched out toward Brenda.

"Hold me Mommy and then Daddy can hold both of us together."

She grabbed Jillian in her arms and then collapsed into Jax's embrace. Her arms were no longer empty and she felt love. The darkness was gone.

The night air surrounded her as Brenda put her hand over her heart in an attempt to slow its rapid beating. She took some more deep breaths. She had relived the dream a dozen times since she had awakened. She had shot up in bed looking for Jax but found herself alone. But Brenda knew he was waiting for her to come to him and she now knew that it was time.

Brenda walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed. She took one last glance at the photo as she picked up the receiver.

He picked up the phone on its third ring. "Hello."

The sound of his voice brought tears to her eyes immediately. "Jax."

Jax looked at the clock and sat down on the bed. "Brenda, what's wrong?"

Tears ran down her cheeks. "I'm alive, Jax."

Jax closed his eyes as he blinked the tears from his eyes. "Yes, you are, my darling. We both are."

"I need you, I need you so much."

"I need you too."

Brenda swallowed her tears. "We can't do this alone. Please come to Malibu."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure."

Jax closed his eyes and smiled. "I will be there."

"This just has to be us now. Do you think Jane can stay with Jillian?"

"I know she can."

"This is going to be hell but we can do this, Jax."

Jax nodded and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Yes, we can, my love."

Brenda took a deep breath. "I'm not letting go of us. I love you."

"I love you back."

"Jax, I need you to do something for us before you come."

"Anything, sweetie."

Her voice was almost a whisper. "Will you get Jamie's blanket from the chest in the attic? I think we are going to need it."

Jax slowly exhaled. "Yes, I will bring it for us. I will be there this afternoon. Just remember to hold on."

Brenda slightly smiled through her tears. "I will and I'll be waiting."

She hung up the phone and curled into bed with the photo. She wrapped her arms around herself as she inhaled Jax's scent from the collar of his shirt that she was wearing. The tears continued to fall but a sense of peace came over her. Jax was coming and life, just like the new day, was beginning anew.

The Jacks Residence -- 10:00am

Jax forced himself to exhale as he approached the cedar chest in the corner of the attic. He knew that opening its lid was also going to open up the flood gates for the memories from that day. The whole attic did now since all remnants of their anticipated bundle of joy had been stored there for months. The cradle, rocking chair and the rest of the furniture from the nursery were boxed and were stored next to the cedar chest. Except for the contents of the chest and the furniture, everything else which had been in the nursery awaiting Jamie's homecoming had been donated to charity.

Jax bent down and slowly opened up the chest. A small chocolate brown teddy bear with a blue bow tied around its neck sat at the top of the chest. It had been the first gift that Brenda had purchased for Jamie. It had sat in the cradle for months awaiting his arrival. Jane and Julia had packed everything up when Brenda said she wanted everything out of the house. They had kept a few things and put them away in the chest in hopes that one day, Brenda would be comforted that she still had them. Jax sorted through a few articles of clothing and some toys before he found it. It was just the typical hospital baby blanket but it was the best remembrance they had of Jamie.

Jax sat down on the floor as he gripped the blanket between his fingers. The whole nightmare of that afternoon replayed in his mind. One look at Dr. Meadows' face within ten minutes of Brenda's arrival in the emergency room was all Jax had needed to know that the unfathomable had occurred. If someone had taken a sledgehammer to his head at that point, he would not have felt it. At that point, Brenda was slipping in and out of consciousness and was terrified. He would never forget the moment he told her, it was the hardest thing he ever had to do but he knew she had to hear it from him.

Brenda was hooked up to IVs and undergoing blood transfusions and then was faced with the loss of a child she had loved and carried for months. She was completely devastated and when Jamie was finally delivered, it had been a grueling ordeal. It was agonizing to watch and she clung to Jax as he if were her only connection to life at that time. The tears were flowing but she was in complete control as soon as the delivery was over. Brenda was adamant about what she wanted.

She had to see him. She had to hold him. They had to say good-bye to him.

Jax put his head in his hands as the image of Brenda holding Jamie in her arms filled his mind. Dr. Meadows had wrapped up the baby in the blanket and handed him to Brenda. Brenda had kissed Jamie's forehead and cheeks and then unwrapped the blanket and kissed his hands and his feet. She spoke to him through her tears and told him how much his Daddy, Mommy and big sister loved him.

Dr. Meadows had left them alone to say their good-byes. Those moments were by far the worst of Jax's life. Seeing Brenda saying good-bye to their son had caused him a heartache beyond comprehension. It was if the bottom had dropped out of his world. He thought he had suffered heartache when he believed that Miranda had died but this was beyond excruciating. His heart had shattered into a million pieces that night and he questioned how it could ever be mended.

Jax remembered Brenda's face as she handed Jamie to him. She clung to his arm with both of her hands as Jax held the baby. Once they had finally let a nurse take Jamie, Brenda had become hysterical. Jax was unable to give her any comfort then. He had never felt so helpless. Dr. Meadows had finally given her something to rest and after that night, everything had changed. Brenda had never broken down again until her collapse at the pool almost six months later. She had buried the pain and sorrow deep within her soul and it had crippled her. She had slipped further away from Jax each and every day. Her grief had owned her and only now, was she regaining control.

Jax's heart continued to ache and the tears freely fell from his eyes now. It all still seemed unreal to him even now more than eight months later. But it was real and it had caused them more pain and anguish than they ever thought possible. Now it was time to find a place for the pain and anguish so that they could move forward. They owed that to Jamie and to Jillian and to themselves. It was not going to be easy and Jax sobbed as his heart reeled in torment as he thought of the son he would never see grow up.

Jax heard her come behind him and then felt her arms around him as Jane pulled him close to her. She would have done anything to protect him from this but there were some things that even a mother's love could not accomplish. Jane had been there for Jax and Brenda ever step of the way. It was to Jane that Dr. Meadows had given Jamie's blanket on the day Brenda was released from the hospital. It was also to Jane that Jax had confessed his fears about the effects of their grief on Brenda and their marriage. And earlier this morning, it was to Jane that Jax had discussed his anxieties about he and Brenda finally facing their loss together.

Jane gently rubbed Jax's back. "You and Brenda have dealt with this alone for so long. In a few hours, you and Brenda will be dealing with it together."

Jax sighed. "I just hope we are ready."

Jane pulled away from him slightly. "You are. And as a team, nothing can conquer you."

Jax gave her half a smile. "We are pretty terrific together."

Jane nodded. "The best."

Jax hugged Jane. "Thank you Mum. We could not have done this without you and Dad."

"Jax, we love you and Brenda and we are here for you always."

"We love you too, Mum. Now, I need to get to her."

"Jillian is waiting downstairs with Maggie to say good-bye. You and Brenda take all the time you need. Jillian and I will take good care of each other."

Jax kissed Jane's cheek and helped her up from the floor. He closed the cedar chest and gently folded the baby blanket before he carried it to the bedroom to add to his suitcase.

A few minutes later, he walked down the stairs and left his bag at the front door before going into the den to say good-bye to Jillian. She was holding Roo-Roo which had been her favorite stuffed kangaroo since Jerry had first given it to her two years ago.

Jax held out his arms to her as he walked into the room. "Is Daddy's big girl ready to give him a hug before he leaves?"

Jillian eased herself off the chair and ran over to him. Jax picked her up in his arms and swung her around as she giggled.

She kissed him on his cheek. "Are you going to get Mommy?"

"Daddy is going to visit Mommy to make sure she is feeling better."

"You can make her feel better."

"I hope so, princess."

Jillian smiled. "Mommy said she would bring me some sea shells."

"She won't forget. Are you going to be a good girl for Grandmom?"

Jillian nodded. "Yes. We are going to swing in the park."

"Aren't you lucky? Now give me a big hug because Daddy has to get to the airplane."

Jillian hugged him tightly. "Kiss Mommy for me."

"I will. Daddy loves you and so does Mommy."

Jax put Jillian down on the floor. "Will you walk with Daddy to the front door?"

Jillian grabbed his hand and they walked into the foyer where Jane was waiting. She hugged and kissed Jax as Virgil took his bag to the car.

"Mommy and Daddy will call you tonight, Jillian. You be a good girl."

Jillian held out her hand offering Roo-Roo to him. "Here Daddy."

Jax bent down next to Jillian. "What angel? I see Roo-Roo."

"Please give him to Mommy for me."

Jax smiled down at her. "But he is yours."

"I want Mommy to have him while she is away. She can talk to him so she won't be sad."

Jax took a deep breath. "Won't you miss him?"

Jillian's eyes widened and she smiled. "Mommy will take good care of him."

Jax hugged Jillian tightly to him. "Yes, she will. Thank you, angel. Mommy will be very happy now."

Jillian put her hand on Jax's cheek and gently rubbed it. "Daddy, will you be happy too?"

Jax nodded. "Yes, Daddy will be happy. We are all going to be happy princess."

Jax kissed Jillian good-bye and then lifted her up to put her into Jane's arms. "Good-bye princess. I love you."

Jillian waved at him. "Good-bye Daddy."

Jax blew Jillian a kiss as he walked out the door. She and Brenda were the two most important things in his life and he would do anything to make them happy. He lived and breathed for their joy and his heart was overflowing with love for them. Now, he and Brenda had to take the first step toward their future. It would ensure love and happiness for all of them.

Malibu Beach House -- 2:00pm

Brenda leaned back and rested on her hands as she sat beside the reflecting pool and looked out at the water. The sun was shining and it glistened like diamond dust off the Pacific Ocean. A school of six dolphins intermittently dove in and out of the water as the group swam by the house. The ocean appeared smooth and calm on the surface as Brenda thought about the complexity of the world going on underneath the surface.

She had discussed that particular characteristic of the ocean with Jax when he had first brought her to Malibu years before. Brenda had never felt more connected to the ocean than she did today. On the outside, she appeared calm but on the inside, she was dealing with turmoil and change now and learning to live with the pain of it all. Jax was too and today they would begin to pick up the pieces of their shattered dreams.

Brenda would never forget a moment of that day. She would never forget the feel of Jamie in her arms and she would never forget that look of devastation in Jax's eyes. It had burned a hole in her soul and driven a dagger straight through her heart. If she could have traded places with Jamie at that moment, she would have without a second thought. She would have done anything to give Jax the son he had wanted and loved since the first moment they knew of the baby's conception.

All those days of planning and all those nights of dreaming of the life they were going to give to Jamie had come to an end on that tragic day. It was too much to endure. The sorrow was crippling and the pain was agonizing and at that moment, it was incomprehensible that life could ever go on again. It was just as excruciating for her when four months later at Anthony's christening party, Brenda saw the look in Jax's eyes as he gazed at Anthony in his cradle. She could not breathe and the world was spinning in her head. She had run out the front door of Ned and Lois' house and had not returned to the house until months later. The look on Jax's face that day tormented her every night for months.

But life had to go on and now she and Jax had to learn to live it again. It would take the two of them together to overcome their loss. It would take baby steps at first but it had to start now.

It would start today for them and they would do it together.

Brenda exhaled slowly and whispered into the sunshine. "The two of us."

Over the past months, she had forgotten the promises they had made in a conversation years before when they agreed to face all their problems together. As she sat overlooking the water, Brenda recalled that day in the penthouse when she had been worried about Robin's health and Jax had comforted her. He had listened to her concerns and calmed her fears. He had supported her and given her strength. She closed her eyes as the scene replayed in her head.

Jax had looked down at her. "Come to me anywhere, anytime. We'll face it together. I might not be able to make the fear go away but it may be easier if there's the two of us."

"Because of you."

Brenda took a deep breath and whispered out loud. "Because of you." He had given her everything she had ever dreamed of and everything she could ever want. Jax had been there for her even when she had turned away from him. He had loved her when she could not even love herself. Now, it was time to be there for him, to be there for them. They were going to learn to live again.

Brenda closed her eyes again and let the sun warm her skin and seep into her heart. She was more at peace than she had been in months. Her months of therapy and the week in Malibu had given her the strength to pull herself up from the depths of her grief and despair. Now, it was time to trust herself and her commitment to Jax. She was unsure as how to begin but she knew it had to be done.

She did not hear the door open but she knew he was there. Brenda turned her head away from the ocean waves and faced the terrace door. He was standing just outside the door and her breath caught in her throat at the sight of him. He was wearing his faded blue jeans with a denim shirt and the sunlight sparkled from the blonde highlights of his hair. The sapphires of his eyes gleaned in the sunshine. Brenda wanted to move but her legs failed her.

Jax stood there looking out at Brenda. She had some color from the sun and her eyes actually looked as if there was some light behind them. She looked better than she had in months. His legs would not move as he stood there before her. Jax felt as if he had to force himself to breathe. Their eyes locked in an intense gaze as the sound of the ocean surrounded them.

Finally, the feeling in her legs returned and Brenda smiled. Jax took a deep breath and flashed her a huge grin. She sprang to her feet and quickly walked around the side of the reflecting pool. In four strides, Jax reached her in the middle of the terrace. Brenda jumped into his arms and buried her head into his shoulder. Jax held onto her as if his life depended on it. His lips dropped soft kisses in her hair as tears crept from her eyes. Brenda wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly.

There were no words spoken between them but their hearts sang. The sound was deafening to their ears. It was if their hearts had just learned to beat again after months of sorrow. At this moment, their hearts were overflowing with love rather than pain. Their hearts, just like Jax and Brenda, were learning to live again.