Thursday, September 7, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- 2:45pm

Brenda opened her eyes. She did not know how long they had been standing there in the center of the terrace but she knew if felt good. It felt right. It felt like she had come home again. She finally remembered to breathe and she loosened the hold her arms had around Jax's neck. Brenda took a step back and lifted her head to meet his eyes.

"Hello."

"Hey." Jax kissed her on the forehead. "How are you?"

Brenda took Jax's hand in hers. "Some moments are better than others. I am hanging on."

Jax cupped her cheek with his palm. "You look like you are doing better than that."

She covered Jax's hand with hers as it rested on her cheek. "What about you?"

"The days were tolerable between the office and Jillian but the nights..."

Brenda completed his thought. "..were agony. Believe me, I know."

Jax nodded. "I missed you so much. I miss us, Brenda"

"So do I." Brenda took a deep breath and lowered her head. "How is Jillian? Is she really okay?"

Jax lifted her chin up. "She is perfect. She loves you so much Brenda."

Tears brimmed Brenda's eyes. "You are sure that she does not think that I abandoned her?"

Jax took Brenda's face in his hands. "Brenda, you did not abandon her. I don't want you to think that for one second. Jillian wants you to be happy and she understands why you are not with her now."

Brenda sighed. "See what I said about some moments being better than others."

Jax hugged her and stroked her hair. "I love you and we are going to get through this."

"I love you too. You have to know that has never changed nor was it ever questioned for one moment. You and Jillian were the only constants in all this."

Jax wiped away her tears with his thumb. "I know that, sweetie, and so does Jillian."

"She had to grow up faster than she should have. All I ever wanted to do was give her a life filled with love and joy."

Jax slowly exhaled. "That is exactly what she has. Brenda, she is a very happy little girl. She laughs more than any child I have ever known. She is surrounded by love. You have given her everything she could ever want."

Brenda took another deep breath. "Are you sure she understands? I have these fears about her thinking that I don't love her. I could not bear that if she thought that for even one minute."

Jax shook his head. "Brenda, she does not feel that way. She knows how much you love her." Jax grabbed Brenda's hand and began walking toward the terrace door. "Come with me for a minute."

They walked into the house and Jax lead Brenda over to his carry-on bag which was sitting at the entrance to the living room.

Jax removed the stuffed kangaroo from the inside of his bag and handed Roo-Roo to Brenda. "Jillian sent this with me to give to you."

Brenda's eyes widened. "Roo-Roo? She wanted me to have this?"

Jax smiled. "She wanted you to have him so you could have someone to talk to. She said you would take very good care of him for her."

A trickle of tears slid down her cheek. "I can't believe she let him out of her sight. She loves him so much."

Jax nodded and met Brenda's eyes. "We can let the things we love go if we know they are coming back to us. I know that and so does Jillian. She loves you, Brenda, and she knows you will be back with her soon."

Her tears began falling again. "Oh, Jax."

Jax pulled her into his arms and rubbed her back as she cried. "Let it out, sweetheart, just let it go."

Brenda spoke between her sobs. "Thank you for coming. Thank you for not giving up on me or on us."

Jax rocked her gently in his arms. "Thank you for asking me to come. Do you think that I would ever give up on you or on us in a million years? It would be impossible. We have too much to ever let go. We owe it to ourselves and to Jillian."

Brenda took a deep breath. "And we owe it to Jamie."

Jax nodded. "Yes, we do and he is going to help us, Brenda. He will always be a part of us."

Brenda rested her head against his chest. "I hope so." After a few moments, Brenda's tears finally subsided. "This feels so good."

Jax rested his chin on her head. "For me too, sweetie."

Brenda pulled away from Jax slightly. "I know we have a great deal to talk about but right now, we need us. Do you think we can just spend this afternoon together?"

Jax smiled and caressed her cheek. "I think we can manage that."

Brenda smiled. "Can I interest you in a walk on the beach?"

Jax extended his hand to her. "Lead the way, my love."

Brenda put Roo-Roo on the chair and then took Jax's hand as they walked out the door and walked down the steps to the beach. They interlocked their fingers as they headed down the shore line. There was a slight breeze off the ocean and the sun was brightly shining. They spent the next several hours together enjoying the afternoon and each other. There were times when there were no words between them but the communication between them was apparent. The pain was still there but the love reigned supreme. It was going to lead them back to one another and it was going to ease their tears. It would carry them back to where they belonged -- together. It would bring them home.

Malibu Beach House -- 9:00pm

Jax and Brenda sat in the den on the large couch. They had spent the afternoon and early evening on the beach and then had shared a quiet dinner on the terrace. Now it was time to start facing the pain that had created the chasm between them over the past several months.

Brenda took a deep breath and brought her knees to her chest as she sat next to Jax. Her heart was racing and her stomach felt like one big knot. She did not even know how to start talking about this.

Jax reached over and took her trembling hand. He gently rubbed her fingers with both of his hands in an effort to calm her. "I love you, Brenda. I am right here and I am not leaving. You are not on a time clock here. When you are ready, just say what you feel."

Her voice was almost a whisper. "Empty and afraid. He was ours, Jax, only ours."

Jax brought her hand to his lips. "Yes, he was. Tell me what you are afraid of."

Brenda looked away from Jax. "So much, it is hard to know where to start. That you would never forgive me and that I could never forgive myself for everything I have put us through."

Jax turned Brenda's head so that she was facing him. "Forgive you? Why do you think I need to forgive you?"

Brenda bit her bottom lip. "For shutting you out and for not being there when you needed me."

"Brenda, we weren't there for each other. We were living in our own private hells, drowning in grief and sorrow. Now, whatever we have to face, we will face it together."

"Some days, it still seems unreal. Most people don't understand, they can't, and I pray to God they will never be able to. But it is real and I know we have to learn how to live with it." Brenda's voice wavered with emotion. "But some days, I don't know how that will ever be possible."

Jax put his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. "I know, sweetie, but we are going to learn how to live with this together."

"What if we can't do it? What if we can't get away from the past? What if we can't face tomorrow? What if we just aren't able to live with it?"

Jax tightened his embrace. "We will, we have to. Brenda, this is us and look what we have been through already. We are going to do this."

Her voice shook. "How?"

"We are going to concentrate on today and not look back to yesterday or look ahead to tomorrow. It is all we can do. There is a saying that Mum likes to use and I think we have to adhere to it now more than ever."

Brenda took a deep breath. "What does Jane say?"

"Yesterday is the past and tomorrow is the future but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present." Jax wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Brenda, we have today and that is all we know. It is a gift and we have to treat it as such."

A sob caught in Brenda's throat. "It hurts so much. Jamie should be here with us now. He is supposed to be crawling around chasing Jillian. He should be in my arms."

Tears rolled down Jax's face. "I know, darling, we were supposed to have him forever."

"How are we supposed to accept that all our memories of him are confined to those few minutes? All those months of waiting and loving him and talking to him and then all we have is good-bye. What if he is all alone and afraid? He is supposed to be with his Mommy and Daddy. We are supposed to be taking care of him."

His heart was breaking again as Brenda sobbed in his arms. It was still almost too much to bear even more than eight months later. "Jamie is not alone, Brenda. He knows how much we love him. That is the one thing I am convinced of. We are in his heart and soul just like he is in ours."

Brenda's voice trembled. "Do you really believe that he knew how much we loved him and wanted him?"

Jax rocked her in his arms. "Of course. You spent months singing to him and speaking to him and just loving him. Jamie knew that he was surrounded by love from the first moment he was conceived."

Brenda's voice was ragged. "Do you think we will ever laugh again?"

Jax slowly exhaled. "Yes, but I can't make any promises on when it will be."

"Jax, Jamie was so beautiful and so perfect. All I wanted to do was to take care of him and protect him. Instead all we could do was say good-bye. It was not supposed to be like this."

"No, it wasn't. If I could have taken away one ounce of the pain from you, I would have. All I wanted to do was stop you from suffering but that was impossible. I know that now. I know I can't save you from this."

Brenda shook her head. "No, you can't. No one can just like I can't put an end to your suffering. The memories that haunt and torment us are ours alone to face. I feared them for so long but now I shudder at the thought of not having them."

Jax brushed Brenda's hair out of her eyes. "Why baby?"

Brenda gasped for air as her sobs returned. "Because I am afraid I am going to lose those moments with Jamie. What if as each day passes, the memory gets a little less clear? What if I forget the only time I ever held him in my arms? It is the only thing I have left."

Jax cradled her in his arms again and held her tightly trying to share her anguish. "Jamie will never be away from us. We will carry him in our hearts forever. He was created from the love we shared and we will never lose him because of that. Every time I look in your eyes, I see him."

Brenda pulled away from his embrace. "I still feel him in my arms. I still remember how warm he felt and that he looked just as if he were sleeping. I just can't believe sometimes that is all we have."

Jax rocked her again until her tears subsided. He then pulled the afghan off the back of the couch and wrapped it around Brenda. He then gave her Roo-Roo which sat on the coffee table in front of the couch. "I will be right back. Jillian did not want you to be alone so you can take care of Roo-Roo for her."

Jax walked into the master bathroom and ran a washcloth under the warm water. He then removed the baby blanket from his carry-on bag and returned to the den. He gently wiped away Brenda's tears with the damp cloth and then he placed the blanket in her lap.

Jax sat down next to her again and put a throw pillow in his lap. He eased her head onto the pillow as she trembled again. He stroked her hair as her hand cautiously reached for the soft fabric which had swaddled their son. Her tears began falling again as her fingers caressed the fluffy cloth.

Jax ran his hand tenderly across her cheek as he whispered to her. "We are never going to forget him Brenda, I promise that."

Brenda brought the blanket to her face and closed her eyes as she rubbed against her cheek just as she has rubbed Jamie's cheek against her own that evening as she held him. With her other hand, she cradled Roo-Roo. Her voice was barely above a whisper as she spoke to the heavens. "Jamie, Mommy and Daddy and Jillian love you and we always will."

Jax wrapped his arms around her shoulders as Brenda clutched the remembrances of Jillian and Jamie in her arms. It was the closest she could be to having Jillian in her arms tonight and the closest she would be to holding Jamie ever again. Her children were with her in her heart though and they would be there forever. Jax was there too and would be always. Today, life was beginning again. Today truly was a gift.

Saturday, September 9, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- 8:00am

Jax quietly covered Brenda's shoulder with the afghan as she slept. For the second night in a row, they had never moved beyond the couch in the den. After another late night discussion about Jamie, Brenda had finally fallen asleep a few hours earlier. A nightmare had plagued her but she had never completely awoken from it. Instead, she had just cried out in her sleep and then called out for Jax. When he had tightened his arms around her, the nightmare seemed to stop. Jax had watched her and held her in his arms all night. He knew all about the nightmares and the torture they caused. He was troubled himself with his own version of that agony.

Brenda shifted and slowly opened her eyes. Jax stroked her back as her eyes fluttered. "Hey you."

Brenda moved deeper into his embrace. "Morning."

Jax ran his fingers through her hair. "Are you okay?"

Brenda lifted her head from his chest. "I think so. You did not sleep at all, did you?"

"I am fine. Don't worry about me."

"I do worry about you. We are looking out for each other now, remember?"

"That is what I am doing. I wanted to be there for you when...."

Brenda sighed. "...when the nightmares came?"

Jax nodded. "Yes. Brenda, you actually called out for me."

"I remember and I know that you were right there for me."

"Even in your sleep, you reached for me and let me hold you. Do you know how long I have waited for you to need me?"

Brenda traced his jawline. "I needed you every minute but I could not allow myself to open up to you. It hurt too much."

"Why?"

"I could not bear to see that look in your eyes again. There was so much pain and sadness."

Jax's voice was barely above a whisper. "And guilt."

Brenda shook her head. "Why would you have ever felt guilty?"

"Because I was supposed to take care of you and our son and I couldn't. I couldn't help you or Jamie then and I promised that I would."

Her hand moved to caress his cheek. "You were supposed to love us and you did. You loved us better than anyone ever could. The rest of it was out of our hands, Jax. You have to know that."

"I just wanted to stop the agony for you. I wanted to carry you away to where there was no pain but no such place existed on this earth. I was so angry with myself for not being able to help you, for not being able to help us. I felt as if I had broken a promise to you."

"Jax, you have never broken a promise to me. You did help me. You were there for me and Jillian even when I shut you out. I always knew in my heart that you were fighting for us even when I could not. I also know how scary that must have been for you."

Jax sighed. "Yes. It scared the hell out of me."

Brenda slowly exhaled. "Please tell me about it. Explain to me what you were feeling."

"It was so unfair and I was so angry. We were supposed to be welcoming our little boy into this world, not saying good-bye to him. We were supposed to be loving him, not mourning him. Jillian was supposed to have a little brother, not two grieving parents. No one should have ever had to go through what you did that day. The pain in your eyes burned a hole right through my heart. Life was supposed to make more sense than this..." The emotion of the moment prevented Jax from continuing.

Brenda took Jax's hand in hers. "Honey, I'm here now. Let it all out. We have to start getting through all of this."

"Loving someone was not supposed to hurt like this. Jamie was created in our love and he was supposed to flourish in it. We were all supposed to be a family and that was snatched away from us. There were no answers, only questions. I did not know what to think or feel. For the first time, I did not know what was in my heart. I questioned everything."

"I was of no help to you then. It was sheer hell and we were experiencing it alone. Even with that though, I always knew what was in your heart. I never had any doubt about you but I realize I never gave you any reason to believe that."

"Brenda, I did not know if anything would ever be right again. You were slipping away from me. Every day, more and more and I could not help you. You were suffering and it was killing me. I was so afraid of pushing you away even more that I was fearful of doing anything. Then I worried that you would think I did not care."

Brenda shook her head. "I could never think that. I knew how devastated you were and it was destroying me. I will never forget the look on your face the day of Anthony's christening when I saw you looking at him in his cradle. That image still haunts me."

"You were so upset then and I could not get through to you to explain it. That day I came to terms with a great deal. I refused to allow myself to feel happiness for Ned and Lois about the birth of their son. It was too hard. But I felt guilty about that since I knew that my envy was the cause of it all. When I saw Anthony that day, it was impossible not to feel happiness for all of them. That was the beginning of my efforts to deal with all of this."

Brenda sighed. "And that was the beginning of the end for me. I only wish I could have realized it then."

Jax kissed Brenda's forehead. "All that matters is that we are dealing with this now. I told you that I am never letting you go and I mean it. Without you, without us, there is nothing."

Brenda hugged him tightly. "I love you, please know that. It is one of the few things I am certain of these days."

"Sweetie, I love you too and I am here for you always."

"Would you come to see Melanie with me so we can do this together?"

"Of course."

"Jax, I'm here for you now. That is a promise. We need each other to get through this. I have to believe that together the two of us can do just about anything."

"You keep that thought and you just see what we can accomplish. You will be amazed, Mrs. Jacks."

Malibu Beach House -- 5:00pm

After their intense morning discussion, Jax and Brenda had spent a few hours on the beach. Brenda had taken a shower and was brushing her hair as she sat on the bed and dialed the number to the house. Jax was sitting on the balcony of the bedroom with the cordless phone when Brenda asked him to join in on the call.

Jane called out for Jillian and then spoke to Jax and Brenda. "Jillian has been eagerly awaiting your phone call. She has something she has been very anxious to tell you. Here she is."

"Mommy? Daddy?"

"Yes, angel, we are here."

Jillian started giggling. "Uncle Jerry and Aunt Julia are here and Uncle Jerry helped me catch bugs."

Brenda raised her eyebrow. "What sweetie?"

"We caught glow bugs in jars. They look so pretty."

Jax smiled. "I see. Glow bugs. Where are they now?"

"In the garage. Uncle Jerry opened up the jars and let them go in the garage and we turned out the lights and watched them glow. They looked like little fairies just like in Peter Pan."

Brenda shook her head. "How nice of Uncle Jerry. Where was Aunt Julia when you were looking at the glow bugs?"

"With Grandmom. Aunt Julia does not like the bugs, especially after Uncle Jerry put one in her shirt."

Brenda cleared her throat. "What happened after Uncle Jerry put the glow bug in Aunt Julia's shirt?"

"He laughed but Aunt Julia was mad. She called him a jackass. What does that word mean?"

Jax spoke up. "Aunt Julia is allowed to use it for Uncle Jerry but it is not a nice word for you to say, Jillian."

Jillian nodded. "Oh, one of those bad words again."

"Yes, but you know plenty of nice words to say, don't you?"

"Yes, Daddy. Grandmom has been reading me more stories so now I even know more words."

Brenda joined in. "Grandmom has been taking such good care of you for Mommy and Daddy. I hope you are being extra good for her."

"I am being very good. Do you feel better Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart. Daddy and Roo-Roo are helping me and so are you, Jillian. We will be home soon."

"Uncle Jerry said we could keep the glow bugs to show you. We caught them again in the jars in the garage and Uncle Jerry put holes in the lids so they could breathe. I can't wait for you to see them, Mommy and Daddy."

"We can't wait either, Jillian. We love you princess and we are so proud of you for being such a good girl."

"Can you blow Mommy and Daddy a kiss before you take your bath?"

"Yes, Mommy. I love you."

"Mommy and Daddy love you. Be good. We will talk to you later. Can you get Uncle Jerry to come to the phone now?"

"Bye-bye Mommy and Daddy. Uncle Jerry is right here."

Jerry took the receiver from Jillian and he tickled her as she walked by him. "Hello."

Jax rolled his eyes. "Well if it isn't the resident entomologist."

Jerry laughed. "What can I say?"

"Not much, please."

Brenda took a deep breath. "Jerry, how is she really?"

"She is fine and I mean that. Don't worry, Roo is a real trooper as well as a great hunter for fireflies."

"That must be a Jacks trait because it certainly is not a Barrett trademark."

Jerry chuckled. "I think your sister would agree. She would not even let me let the bugs loose in Jillian's bedroom."

Brenda sighed. "Thank heavens for small favors. Jerry, I want to thank you and Julia for everything."

Jax spoke up as well. "Yes, thank you for giving Mum a hand in taking care of Jillian for us."

"Not a problem. We will be around for as long as we are needed. Just concentrate on things there. We are under control here."

Brenda smiled. "I love you and give Julia a kiss for me presuming she is speaking to you at this moment. We will see you soon."

"Bye Jerry and thanks again."

"Take care you two. Good-bye."

Brenda dried her hair and got dressed as Jax sat on the balcony watching the tide come in. It had been such an emotional few days but at least they were moving forward. His feelings did not confuse him or scare him as much now. He realized he had to learn to trust his emotions again, just like Brenda had discovered about her own feelings.

Jax was brought out of his deep thoughts by the sound of laughter. He looked at the beach below and saw the Miller family walking down the beach toward their house which was several hundred yards past the Jacks house. Jax had not seen Doug and Carol in almost two years but had kept in touch by phone. The last time Jax had seen them, Meg was only about two and Carol had just found out she was pregnant with Michael who was now about a year old.

Doug was carrying Michael and chasing after Carol and Meg as they ran down the beach. Jax was mesmerized by the scene and could not help thinking that this was what he, Brenda, Jillian and Jamie would have looked like a few months from now. They should have looked like this but that was not going to happen. He should have been teaching Jillian and Jamie to ride the waves and dig for clams and build sand castles but he was never going to have that opportunity with Jamie. He recognized the sound deep within him as the clamor of his heart shattering again.

It was still so overwhelming at times and sometimes his emotions caught him completely off guard. Some days the pain was still so raw and excruciating that he could not breathe. Jax closed his eyes and put his head in his hands as his emotions engulfed him.

Brenda finished getting dressed and walked to the open balcony door. She saw him sitting there and her heart ached. She looked down at the beach and saw the Miller family. She heard the laughter and saw the joy and then she looked at Jax again and his anguish flooded her. Brenda walked over to the double chaise lounge he was sitting in and she sat down beside him.

She pulled Jax into her arms and cradled his head against her breast. She massaged his back and rested her head against his. "I'm here, honey. I am not going to ever let you go."

The tears finally escaped Jax's eyes as Brenda clutched him to her chest. Brenda kissed his forehead and stroked his neck and back as he held onto her. She whispered words of love to him over and over again. It was finally her turn to provide him some comfort and it felt so good. It was just another first step on the long road back to one another.

Monday, September 11, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- 11:00am

It had been eleven days since Brenda had left Port Charles to pull herself together in order to face Jax about the loss of Jamie and the problems in their marriage. Jax had been in Malibu with her for almost five days now and she felt closer to him than she had in months. Brenda had spoken to Melanie earlier today and Melanie was pleased at the progress Brenda was making. Once Brenda and Jax returned to Port Charles, they were going to start attending joint sessions with Melanie. Brenda would also continue her private sessions as well.

Jax was inside the house on the phone with Scott dealing with some J & J Jacks business as Brenda sat on the terrace. The ocean was rough and there was a strong wind blowing off the water. There were grey clouds in the distance and it looked like a late summer storm was coming. The sun was out but it was cooler than usual and Brenda rubbed her hands together. It felt more like early Fall and her body was not used to the cooler temperatures yet.

She knew if Jax had been on the terrace with her, he would have wrapped his strong arms around her and instantly sent warmth throughout her body. Brenda shook her head and took a deep breath. It had been quite some time since she had let herself think about how her body responded to Jax's touch. That had changed since Jax had arrived in Malibu. Over the past few days, Brenda had been in his arms more than she had in the past few months and it was stirring up all kinds of feelings inside her. Feelings that they had both been deprived of for months.

Brenda had slept in his arms every night since he had arrived in Malibu. Last night they had even slept in bed rather than on the couch. Jax had kissed her tenderly on the lips before she went to sleep and she could still feel his lips on hers. It had been the only time he had kissed her on the lips since he had arrived at the house. As usual, he was being patient and understanding and loving. He knew Brenda would let him know when she was ready to resume their physical relationship.

Just like the rest of their life, nothing had been the same in their sex life since they lost Jamie. Their lack of lovemaking was just another way of depriving themselves of the joy and emotion of each other. They had not made love since before Brenda had started seeing Melanie so it had been several months now. In her sessions, Brenda had realized how in the past she had used sex to try to either avoid or solve her problems and she was determined not to let that happen with Jax. When she made love to him again, she wanted it to only be because she loved him and wanted him, not because it may help her forget her problems or solve anything. It had to simply be an expression of love.

Brenda looked down at the beach and waved as Doug Miller jogged by on the beach. It was nice to see people around as summer was ending. She felt as if she were slowly re-entering the world again. Brenda looked at the water and her attention was caught by a lone dolphin about two hundred feet from the shore. She stood up and looked at the water again and then walked down the steps to get a better view of the ocean. As she reached the shore, Brenda could easily see that what she feared was true. The animal was in trouble.

She ran back up the steps and reached the terrace just as Jax walked out the door. "Sweetie, what is it?"

"There is a dolphin out there that is trying to beach itself. We have to do something to help it. I looked and I don't see any other around so it must have fallen behind the school."

They raced down the steps and Jax kicked off his shoes as he reached the shore. Jax dove into the water and approached the dolphin hoping he could coax it back out toward sea. When he got closer to the animal, he saw the slashes and cuts and knew the dolphin was seriously injured. Then Jax discovered they were in the middle of a large riptide and he had to struggle to keep himself and the dolphin from being swept out away from the shore. The dolphin was thrashing around so much that it was making things very difficult.

Brenda yelled from the shore. "Jax, is there anything I can do?"

"No, he is hurt and he will never make it out there. He is going to have to come ashore. He needs help, he has multiple injuries that I can see. We have to get him out of here."

Brenda looked up the beach and saw Doug Miller in the distance. "Doug is coming toward us. I am going to go get Charles."

"Get the phone because we are going to have to get some instructions from the surf and rescue patrol. We will need buckets to keep him in water."

Brenda ran up the steps into the house and called the surf and rescue patrol. She then grabbed buckets and a couple bottles of suntan lotion and left the house with Charles. She and Charles reached the beach just as Doug was getting into the water to help Jax get the dolphin out of the pounding surf. Another area resident named Dave Brown also had jogged by from the opposite direction and was assisting them. The riptide was getting worse but they were finally able to get the dolphin in front of the riptide.

Brenda shouted to them. "Surf and rescue is on the way and they are calling the Coast Guard to get better instructions for treatment procedures."

Jax, Doug, Charles and Dave all formed a blockade to force the dolphin onto shore. The lacerations were numerous and there was a huge gash over his right eye.

Brenda winced. "It does not even look full grown. It must be suffering so much."

Jax shook his head. "It is not an adult dolphin, you can tell from the size of the fin and his length. Be careful and stay away from it. That tail could break your leg and since he is hurt, we do not know what he will do."

"We have to keep him under water before he dehydrates. The surf and rescue dispatcher also said that if he allows us to touch him then we should coat him with suntan lotion to keep him from losing more moisture."

Buckets were passed around and there was a constant stream of water poured over the animal. He was trying to move around and flapping his tail and fin constantly. Jax tried to touch him to calm him down but the dolphin was so agitated that Jax was afraid the animal would hurt himself more.

Brenda looked at Jax. "What do you think hurt him?"

Jax sighed. "It looks like a boat propeller got to him."

Doug nodded. "Yes, it does. He probably got injured and fell behind the school. Now he is trying to beach himself to die."

Brenda shook her head. "We can't let him die. Where is the surf and rescue team?"

Jax looked at Brenda and a wave of panic hit him. This was all she needed now, a young dolphin dying at her feet. "Sweetie, they will be here soon. All we can do is try to keep him hydrated."

Brenda leaned over and picked up the bottles of suntan lotion she had thrown onto the sand. She then slowly knelt down beside the dolphin and leaned over its right eye. "Hey, will you let me try to make you feel better? You need to let us help you. We are not going to hurt you."

Jax took a deep breath. "Be careful, he is young but he still outweighs you and he is a terrified animal."

Brenda continued to speak to the dolphin. "Please let us help you. I am just going to pet your head very gently. I am not going to hurt you."

Brenda gingerly put her lotion covered hand on top of the dolphin's head and the animal moved slightly but then stopped. She gently rubbed her hand across the head and then did the same with the other hand. The dolphin remained calm so Brenda continued to gently coat it with the lotion, staying clear of any areas where the wounds were visible. The men continued to pour buckets of water over the animal and a few other people had now joined in to assist in the effort.

The two surf and rescue vehicles pulled up onto the sand and four guards ran to the dolphin. Some of the crowd was cleared and the bucket barrage continued as the chief guard spoke to the Coast Guard. The dolphin was still alive but its breathing was now much more labored. Arrangements had been made to transport the dolphin to a marine aquatic facility in Long Beach and the Coast Guard had patched in the chief marine biologist to give instructions for medical procedures on the scene. A transport tank was available at the nearby Coast Guard Station ready to move the injured dolphin to Long Beach. A temporary tank was sitting in the back of one of the surf and rescue vehicles to get the dolphin off the beach and to the Coast Guard station.

The dolphin was agitated again. There were too many people around and it started to panic. Its tail struck one of the rescuers and knocked him to the ground. The animal would not let anyone near it to help it. Brenda grimaced as she saw it suffering. She asked the rescue team to step further back to see if she could calm down the dolphin again. The rescuers let her try and Jax stood right behind her with his hand on her arm so he could quickly pull her back if the animal became frenzied again.

"Hey, it's me again. I am not going to hurt you but you have to let us near you to help you. I am just going to pet you again, just like before." Brenda put her hand on the dolphin's head again and stroked it. As she did the rescuers prepared the carrier to lift the dolphin into the vehicle. The bucket barrage stopped as the carrier was ready. Then the four rescuers as well as Jax, Doug and Dave eased the dolphin onto the makeshift stretcher. The dolphin became agitated again but the carrier was quickly secured and the dolphin was lifted into the vehicle and lowered into the temporary pool.

The chief guard spoke to the crowd. "Thank you for all the help. We will get him to the Coast Guard transport to get him to Long Beach to get the necessary medical treatment." He then turned to face Brenda. "Thank you especially for your assistance. He can't be more than about a year old and I think he needed the maternal comfort. We really appreciate your help."

Brenda looked at the dolphin in the pool. "Can we call somewhere to check on him?"

The chief guard handed Brenda his business card from the vehicle and then they were off to the Coast Guard station. The crowd quickly dispersed and Jax and Brenda said their good-byes to Doug and Dave. The excitement for the day was over and everyone had done the best they could for the injured animal. Charles returned to the house as Brenda and Jax stood on the beach.

Brenda was silent as she looked out over the ocean. Jax stood behind her and then put his arms around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. Brenda pulled his arms tighter around her waist and leaned her head back against his chest.

Jax rested his chin on top of her head. "You were great."

"So were you. Do you think he will be okay?"

Jax turned Brenda so that she was facing him. "They will do the best that they can do."

Brenda sighed. "I guess that is all any of us can do."

Jax grinned at her and winked. "Yes, it is. Fortunately, our best is generally pretty damn good."

Brenda gave him half a smile. "You are a piece of work."

Jax smirked and nodded. "Yes, but you love me all the more for that."

Brenda shook her head. "God help me but yes, I do."

Jax smiled at her again and took her face into his hands. He kissed her forehead and her eyelids and then her nose and cheeks. He then kissed the corners of her mouth. "I love you too."

Brenda wrapped her arms around him and he held her close. They stood there for a few moments just listening to the ocean and their rapidly beating hearts. It was good, it was real and it was love.

Malibu Beach House -- 9:00pm

Jax put down the phone as Brenda walked out of the bedroom. She looked up at him in expectation. "Did you find out anything?"

Jax nodded. "Yes, that was the marine aquatic center. The doctors have stabilized him. They are confident that he will pull through after some long recuperation time."

Brenda smiled so broadly that it tugged at Jax's heart. She ran into his arms and Jax twirled her around the living room.

Brenda wrapped her hands around his neck. "That is so wonderful. You did it."

Jax smiled. "No, we did it."

"Jax, I love you."

"I love you back, Brenda."

Brenda pulled out of his arms. "Jillian is going to love to hear you tell the story when we get back. She will be even more enamored of you than she is already."

Jax winked at Brenda. "I will have to tell Jerry that fireflies can't compete with dolphins."

Brenda shook her head. "He will just love that."

Jax gave her a lopsided grin. "Good."

Jax watched Brenda as she actually seemed genuinely happy this evening. It had been months since he had seen her seem so comfortable and at peace. "It is a crisp, cool night, especially now that the storms have come through. Do you want to take a stroll in the moonlight, Mrs. Jacks?"

Brenda raised her eyebrow at him. "Mr. Jacks, I think I can arrange my schedule for that."

Jax went into the bedroom and took one of his sweaters out of the dresser drawer. He wrapped it around his neck and then met Brenda on the terrace. There were clouds in the sky but the moon was still visible. The night air was invigorating and the sound of the ocean was so soothing.

They walked hand in hand just above the shore line. It was a dark and quiet night but the moon did cast a reflection off the ocean. The moonbeams looked like fairy dust and the sky was a vibrant midnight blue. Only the moon and a few lights of the houses on the water were visible. It was beautiful.

They had walked for about two miles down the beach when the breeze picked up again and the clouds begin to cover the moon. Jax untied the sweater from his neck and put it over Brenda's head. They turned around to head back to the house as the rapidly moving clouds filled the sky above. Jax put his arm around Brenda and pulled her closer to him as they walked.

The wind kicked up again and some of the sand was swept across the beach in front of them. Brenda stopped walking and shook her head. "A nice moonlight stroll. I don't recall you telling me it would be in a wind tunnel. I think I should get a refund."

Jax shrugged. "Did you ask? Next time, you will learn."

Brenda put her hands on her hips. "Some date you are. You are telling me that I have to ask if there is going to be a natural disaster or a weather emergency before I agree to go anywhere with you?"

Jax bit the inside of his mouth. "And the problem with this is what?"

"You are incorrigible."

Jax gave her the most innocent little boy grin he could muster. "But so damn handsome and such a catch."

"A catch? We will see about that when they are fishing for you in that ocean tomorrow morning." Brenda lunged for Jax but he moved too quickly for her to catch him.

"Maybe you just can't catch me? I guess I will have to look for other candidates then."

Brenda rolled her eyes at him. "Not only will I catch you but I will beat you to the steps leading to the house."

Jax shook his head at her. "I had dinner with you and I swear I did not see you drinking alcohol but you must have had an entire bottle to think you can catch me."

Brenda waved her hand at him. "Go ahead and live in your little fantasy world before you have to admit defeat."

"You are the one who will be humbled by defeat. I am ready whenever you are."

Brenda nodded. "Fine, I am ready. We can go on 3."

Jax grinned at her. "Let's just get one thing straight before our little race. Brenda, 3 comes after 2 and it does not mean 2-1/4 or 2-1/2 or 2-3/4. It means 3."

Brenda shrugged. "Whatever you say. Are we ready?"

"Yes, we are ready. On 3 and not a split second before."

Brenda shook her head at him. "Okay, I get it. 1, 2, 3."

In unison the count was made. "1, 2, 3"

On the count of 3, Jax took off only to be stopped in his tracks on the third stride when he heard Brenda cry out in pain. He quickly turned around to find her hobbling on one foot. "What is the matter?"

"I twisted my ankle in the sand."

"Let me see it." Jax bent down to look at her ankle and Brenda immediately pushed him off his feet and took off toward the steps. She reached the steps and turned around to wait for Jax.

Brenda shook her head at Jax in pure amazement as he approached her. "When are you ever going to learn?"

Jax rolled his eyes at her. "I guess when you stop cheating. You know if I did that to you, it would be of no help to me because you would probably never even turn around to see if I was hurt."

Brenda folded her arms together. "Honey, that is not true. I would check on you after I crossed the finish line."

Jax put his hand over his heart. "What a comfort that is."

Brenda grinned at him. "I knew you would understand."

Jax raised his eyebrow at her. "Of course I understand. Just like I know you are going to understand when I put you in that water."

Brenda attempted to climb the stairs but Jax grabbed her. He threw her over his shoulder and carried her toward the ocean.

Brenda was swatting his back. "Jax, no. Don't you dare put me in that water."

"You are going to have to be more convincing than that."

"Please do not throw me in that water. It is freezing. I apologize."

Jax stopped as he reached the water's edge. "Okay, you are right."

Brenda let out a deep breath. "Thank you."

"No problem. The ocean is too cold so I will just put you in the pool since that is warmer."

Brenda began swatting him again. "Not the pool either. Please Jax. I am begging."

Jax climbed up the steps with her over his shoulder. "Begging? Now that is more interesting."

"Stop it, Jax. Please do not throw me in the water. I am sorry."

As they reached the top of the steps, Jax walked toward the pool. Brenda was squirming and pleading with him to put her down. "I will most certainly put you down Brenda."

Brenda squirmed again. "I mean on dry land."

Jax teased her by dipping her over the pool but at the last second he pulled her back. She was swatting his shoulder and his back when the clouds opened up on them and the downpour started.

Jax swatted her on the butt. "I don't think dry land is a requirement any longer since we are wet now."

Brenda began laughing as she continued to try to squirm out of arms. "And getting wetter by the second. Can we go inside before we melt?"

"Good point since I am so sweet, I will melt."

Brenda began swatting him again as he walked across the terrace and finally entered the house. They were drenched and they left a trail of water droplets in their path. Jax swatted Brenda across the butt again as she continued to laugh and pummel him. Her hair was soaked and it was dripping down her face since she was turned upside down over him back and he refused to put her down.

Brenda caught a glimpse of them in the hallway mirror and they were a sight. She was bordering on hysterics now. "Jax, I can walk. Please put me down."

Jax chuckled. "And risk further injury to your ankle? I would not hear of that."

Brenda lifted her head up as they walked into the bedroom. She was laughing so hard she could barely get the words out. "Fine, you win."

Jax lowered Brenda in front of him so that her feet were barely off the floor. "Excuse me, what did you say?"

Brenda glared at him through her hysterics. "YOU WIN."

Jax was laughing so hard that there were tears coming from his eyes. "I wish I had a tape recorder."

"Stop it. I am dripping wet and now I am going to get the hiccups from..." Brenda stopped in mid-sentence. The sound was deafening and it had taken her several moments to even recognize the sound again. It had been months since she had heard her own laughter and there were so many days that she wondered if she would ever hear it again. She had heard it though and she had heard Jax's laughter as well. It sounded like a symphony.

Jax smiled as he watched the expressions on her face. He had heard it too and he knew she had recognized the sound from the distant past. The sound made his heart skip a beat. It was as joyous as the blare of trumpets and as welcome as a cool breeze in the hot desert sun. Her laughter was back and Brenda was making her way home again.

Brenda touched his face as a tear rolled from each corner of her eye. "We're laughing again."

Jax lowered her feet onto the floor and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "Yes, my love, we are."

They were dripping wet and their clothes were drenched but they looked at one another as if they were the only two people who had ever existed. It was as though they had each been sent from heaven for the other. Jax lowered his head and their lips met. The kiss was slow and sensual and sent chills up and down Brenda's spine. She moaned and Jax's tongue danced along the inside of her mouth. She tasted so good and her lips were so soft and warm. He eased her onto the bed as the kiss deepened.

After a few moments, Jax broke away from the kiss. He pulled slightly away from her and gazed into her eyes. "I love you with everything I am. I want you. I want you more than I have wanted anything but I need you to be sure of this."

Brenda shook her head in amazement at the understanding and sensitivity of the man lying beside her. He was the man who she loved more than she ever thought humanly possible and the man she wanted to spend every waking hour of her life with.

"My God, I love you and I want you. Please make love to me. All I want is to feel your love running through me and to show you how much I love you."

Their lips met again as clothes were removed. When the last of their clothing was gone, Jax slid Brenda under the blanket and then covered her body with his. Brenda trembled at the feel of his skin against hers. Their song played in their hearts as they gazed at one another.

"I've seen stars in the night,
too many to count,
and days when the sun never went down.
I've seen thunder and lightning and pale silver moons,
but I've never seen nothing like you."

They caressed and explored each other as they shared their love. Their lovemaking was passionate and loving and gentle. It was like nothing they had ever experienced before. It was if they had found each other after a very long journey.

"When you came along, you touched my soul,
Taught me all the things that I didn't know.
Maybe you were sent to me from the angels above
so I would know what it means to love."

They whispered sweet words of devotion as their bodies joined in an extraordinary expression of the love found in their hearts. It was a complete union of heart, body and soul. It was like heaven.

"I've been thousands of miles from the place I call home,
Stood at the crossroads, directions unknown,
I've sailed on an ocean, so deep and so blue,
but I've never seen nothing like you.
No, I've never seen nothing like you."

Tonight there would be no nightmares, only dreams of love. Tonight their hearts would be overflowing with love and joy instead of sorrow and sadness. Tonight their moans would be those of ecstasy rather than anguish. It would be pure and simple love and they were where they belonged -- in each other's arms. They were home again.

Tuesday, September 12, 2000
Malibu Beach House -- 8:00am

Brenda propped herself up on her elbow to watch Jax sleep. They had been through so much together in the past four and a half years but they were still here. She knew in her heart that they truly belonged together and she was finally beginning to trust her heart again. Last night she had overcome another hurdle on the way back.

They had made love into the wee hours of the morning and Brenda could still feel his love inside her. She had allowed herself to feel again last night. She had given love and received it and her heart was full. Even more importantly, her heart was still intact. It had not been shattered when it had experienced pure joy and happiness.

Brenda looked down at Jax's face and smiled. She loved him so much that it hurt but this was a good kind of hurt. She could not imagine living without this type of hurt. A strand of hair had fallen onto Jax's forehead and he had a smile on his lips. Brenda could not help from remembering how his warm lips had felt last night as they moved up and down her body. A slight tremble raced through her as she thought about the trail of kisses his lips had made on her skin.

He was so handsome and so beautiful, more so on the inside than the outside. Brenda knew what was inside his heart and soul and there had never been anything so gentle and caring and loving. Jax was the best thing that had ever happened to her and he was the most precious gift she would ever be able to give to Jillian. He had told her once that people only get what they have sense enough to hang onto for dear life and that was what she was going to do with him. She was going to hang on as if her life depended on it.

Brenda took a deep breath and continued to gaze at him. Her lips ached to touch his skin. The sight of his strong muscular chest was driving her crazy and the nape of his neck seemed to be calling to her. She could not resist him any longer. Brenda dipped her head and her lips began an upward path from the center of his chest to his neck. She kissed him behind his left ear and then gently nibbled on his ear lobe.

Jax's arms came around her back. He gently rubbed her shoulders, loving the feel of her silky skin under his fingers. "Good morning, Mrs. Jacks."

Brenda lifted her head from the nape of his neck and kissed him on the lips. "Good morning."

Jax pushed the hair from her face. "Are you okay?"

Brenda smiled and touched his face. "I am perfect. Last night was so incredible."

Jax took her hand from his cheek and kissed each finger. "It was extraordinary. I love you so much."

"Please don't ever stop."

Jax kissed her hand again. "That would be impossible. You have me forever."

"Jax, you have me too. I love you."

Their lips met again in a stunning display of passion and desire. They were swept away immediately by the intensity of love they felt for each other. Their souls and hearts again united as their bodies became one.

An hour later, Brenda rested in the strength of his arms. She sighed as she drew lazy circles on his chest. "I missed this the most."

Jax grinned. "What? Drawing geometric shapes on my chest?"

Brenda giggled. "No, silly. Listening to your heartbeat. It is the best feeling in the world."

"I will tell my cardiologist that you approve."

Brenda raised her head and ran her finger over his lips. "Your heartbeat is so strong and steady. It is so comforting and it is the most wonderful sound I have ever heard."

Jax cupped the side of her face with his palm. "I don't know how steady it is when you are lying on my chest listening to it. It seems to me that it skips quite a few beats whenever you are that close to me."

"That would be fair because you certainly send mine into an irregular rhythm every time you touch me."

Brenda smiled and gazed into his eyes. His sapphire pools of blue were dancing as Jax met her gaze. Brenda had never known anyone whose eyes smiled until she met Jax. They were bright and they beamed just like his grin. Brenda whispered to him. "Tell me that this is not a dream."

Jax lifted her chin so that she was looking straight at him again. "It is not a dream. I love you Brenda and I want you and I need you."

"I love you and want you and need you as well and I know we are going to get through all of this."

Jax smiled again at her. "I know we will."

Jax kissed her on the forehead and hugged her. "How about some breakfast?"

"Great idea. I am starving."

Jax winked at her. "I can't imagine why."

Brenda swatted his arm as she got out of bed and threw on a robe. Jax laughed at her as he stepped into his pajama bottoms. Brenda put her hair into a ponytail and turned to Jax. "Okay, let's eat."

Jax clapped his hands together and grinned at her. "Okay. Charles went to the store yesterday and I know he stocked up on yogurt and bananas so we are set."

Brenda glared at Jax. "Forget it. You can eat that health food garbage but not me. I said I was starving, I did not say I was interested in joining a nature trail group."

Jax laughed. "Nature trail group?"

"Nature trail group, health food nuts, cave men, whatever you want to call it, I am not interested. If it is good for me, I do not want it. The greasier and more cholesterol and sugar the food has, the better."

Jax rolled his eyes at her. "You are hopeless."

Brenda walked toward the door. "Thank you. Now let's go get some real food for me and some roots and berries for you, Tarzan."

Jax shook his head and smiled. "Fine but you are impossible."

Jax walked to the door and as he reached the door, he lifted Brenda into the air and threw her over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?"

"Me Tarzan is taking you Jane to feast."

Brenda laughed and tried to lift her head as they walked toward the kitchen. "You are crazy."

Jax stopped at the entrance to the kitchen and lowered her feet to the floor. "Yes, I am. I am crazy about you."

Brenda hugged him and closed her eyes as she silently spoke to the heavens thanking God for Jax. He was truly a gift to her.

Malibu -- 7:00pm

Jax and Brenda had spent the entire day together. After breakfast, they had left the house and gone for a walk at the nearby lagoon. They had walked over the bridges and fed the ducks and spoken more about Jamie as they walked along the paths. They were the same paths they had walked while on their first trip to Malibu together. Just like on the first trip, the talks and the sights were soothing to Brenda. They were just another small part of the healing process and this time Jax was healing too.

After their walk, they had stopped for lunch at an outside cafe and shared more memories and emotions. It was still a new concept to them since they had been dealing with their pain alone for so long for fear that sharing it would only escalate the anguish. Now they were both realizing that sharing it helped to diffuse the intensity of the pain rather than to add to it. The sadness became just another element of their life that they would face and conquer together.

Once they had finished lunch, they went for a rowboat ride on the mirrored lake. The lagoon was placid and the water was as smooth as glass. The sun was shining and the tranquility of the backdrop was perfect. In some ways it felt like a second honeymoon. They were getting to know one another again and Malibu was the perfect setting. They had become best friends on their first trip there and now they were overcoming tragedy to become closer than ever.

The convertible pulled up to the end of Mulholland Drive and Jax opened the door and helped Brenda out of the car. The sun was beginning its descent from the sky and pink, orange and blue hues painted the sky. Jax gazed at Brenda as she watched the sunset. She was smiling again, beaming actually. His heart still did flip-flops when he saw her smile. It lit up her whole face and he fell in love with her again each time she smiled.

Brenda reached out for his hand as they stood overlooking the city below. The colors of the sunset were reflecting off of Jax's face and his eyes were gleaming brightly. He looked at her and his eyes twinkled. She felt Cupid's arrow plunge deeper into her heart. Her knees still melted whenever he looked at her like that. Brenda put her hands around his forearm and Jax moved behind her and put his arms around her.

They stood like that for an hour as the sun disappeared from the sky and the stars and moon appeared. Tonight was a full moon and it was absolutely beautiful. The lights of Los Angeles sparkled below and the stars twinkled above. The night was still and peaceful and Jax and Brenda were entwined in each other's arms in the midst of it all. It was breathtaking.

Brenda softly moaned at the pleasure and beauty of it all. Jax gently squeezed her shoulders and walked toward the car. Brenda followed him and Jax lifted her onto the hood of the convertible.

Brenda looked up at Jax. "It has been a perfect day."

Jax smiled. "For me too."

"I remember when you brought me to this spot the first time. I said the same thing then that I am going to say now. I think we need to go home."

"Are you sure?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes. I miss Jillian terribly and she needs us. And we have to start living the rest of our life."

Jax leaned against the car. "Are you scared?"

Brenda slowly exhaled. "Yes. Are you?"

"Terrified."

Brenda closed her eyes momentarily. "It is not going to be easy and I know there will be some stumbling blocks and setbacks but we have to start."

Jax ran his hand down her arm. "I know we do and I know we have to do it at home."

Brenda smiled. "It's frightening but I think we are ready."

"I know we are. We have to much to lose not to be."

Brenda lifted her hand to caress his cheek. "You are still like make believe to me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you."

Jax turned his cheek into her palm and kissed it. "I ask myself the same question all the time about how I ever found you."

Brenda gazed at him. "I think we were meant to be together. That is why we can't give up."

Jax shook his head. "I told you this once and I will say it again. As God is my witness, nothing will ever come between us. Please remember that."

"I will. I promise."

Jax sat down on the hood of the car next to her and pulled Brenda into his lap. "I love you, sweetie. We are going to get through all of this."

Brenda leaned her head against Jax's shoulder. "I love you back."

Brenda took his hands in hers as Jax held her tightly in his arms. They sat there reveling in their last moments together before they began the next phase of their journey together. Tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of their lives.

Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Port Charles -- 6:00pm

At the Port Charles Airport, Virgil put the suitcases in the limousine as Jax and Brenda stepped into the back of the vehicle. Jax put his arm around Brenda and she laid her head on his shoulder. They were heading home.

Brenda had been very quiet during the entire flight back to Port Charles. Jax had watched her during the trip and he knew she was waging an internal battle with the next set of demons they would face. Malibu had been safer than home and Port Charles. There were less memories and fewer people to see in Malibu. At home, there would be memories everywhere and all the friends who Brenda had avoided over the past few months. Reality was back and Brenda had started to face it as soon as she had arisen this morning.

She had shed a few tears before they had left for the airport. She had packed an extra bag to carry with her on the plane. In it, she had placed the picture frame holding Jax and Jillian's photo, Jax's note and vows, the yacht, Roo-Roo, the sea shells she had promised to bring back to Jillian and Jamie's blanket. She had never let the bag out of her grasp since she had packed it. It may as well have carried the Crown Jewels for the protection she provided for it. It contained her most treasured possessions and the story of her life with Jax.

Jax looked down at Brenda as the limousine travelled toward the house. She was still in deep thought and he saw that her right hand was clutching Jamie's blanket in the carry-on bag sitting next to her. He took Brenda's left hand in his and massaged her trembling fingers. He squeezed her hand gently just to give Brenda assurance that he was there when she needed him.

Brenda looked up at Jax and bit her bottom lip. "I'm scared."

Jax spoke to her softly. "You're allowed to be."

"I feel like we are going to have to say good-bye to Jamie everywhere we ever dreamed he would be. I had never thought about that until I was packing this morning. I felt like we had to say good-bye to him in Malibu. Malibu was where we decided it was time to bring him into this world."

Jax brushed away the tear that crept from the corner of Brenda's eye. "Yes, it was so maybe it was appropriate that it was the first place we said good-bye."

Brenda's voice wavered with emotion. "It was so hard and it is going to get so much worse -- The Isabella where he was conceived and the house where we had all those plans. I don't know if I will be able to do this."

"We are going to do this together. Melanie is going to help us and so will Jillian and so will Jamie. When the time is right, we will be able to do it. There is no deadline here."

Brenda took a deep breath. "I just hope one day that it stops hurting so much."

Jax dropped baby kisses on her forehead. "I do too, my love."

They were getting closer to the house and Brenda wiped her eyes and composed herself. She ran her hand through her hair. "Do I look all right? Will Jillian know that I have been crying?"

"You look beautiful and Jillian will be so happy to look at someone's face other than Jerry's that you could be wearing a Godzilla mask and she would still kiss your feet."

Brenda smiled and then kissed Jax. "Thank you."

"For what?"

Brenda traced his jawline with her finger. "For loving me and for being there for me."

Jax grinned at her and kissed her as the limousine pulled through the gates. Jax looked at Brenda and her knees were bobbing up and down which was the norm when she was excited. He shook his head at her but he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the exhilaration in her eyes. He knew that Jillian was just what she needed right now.

As they approached the house, Brenda opened the window. She grabbed Jax's arm and almost pulled it out of its socket. "I see her. Jane has her on the porch waiting for us."

The limousine pulled into the circular driveway and Jax grabbed both of Brenda's arms to prevent her from opening the car door before the vehicle had stopped. Jane was struggling to keep a squirming Jillian in her arms as Jillian was squealing for her Mommy. Jax shook his head again as he realized this was just another similarity between mother and daughter -- impatience and excitement went hand in hand.

The limousine finally stopped and Brenda jumped out of the car just as Jane put Jillian onto the sidewalk. Jillian ran toward Brenda giggling and squealing. "Mommy's home."

Brenda reached Jillian and scooped her up into her arms. She kissed her cheeks and forehead and then kissed her hands before Jillian hugged Brenda tightly around the neck. "Oh Jillian, Mommy missed you so much. I love you, angel."

Brenda clung to her and tears began flowing down Brenda's cheeks as she continued to kiss the top of Jillian's head. Jax watched them and the love he felt for them in his heart spilled out over the rest of his body. They were the two most important things in his life and all he wanted for them was peace and happiness. Jane watched the three of them and she smiled. She knew in her heart that they were a family again.

Brenda finally released her death grip hold on Jillian and Jillian looked at Brenda's face and touched her cheek. "Mommy, you are crying. Are you sad?"

Brenda shook her head and smiled. "No, angel. Mommy is crying because she is so happy to see you and to be home. Daddy is waiting for you so let's go see him."

Brenda turned around and Jax met them on the sidewalk. Brenda passed Jillian to Jax and Jillian kissed him. "Hi Daddy!"

Jax hugged her. "Hello princess. You look so pretty."

Jillian giggled again. "Aunt Julia put the bows in my hair."

"They are very nice."

Brenda rubbed Jillian's leg. "Where is Aunt Julia?"

"She and Uncle Jerry are inside. They came to see you Mommy."

"Well, let's go inside and see them." Brenda secured her treasure filled carry-on bag over her shoulder and Jax carried Jillian inside. Jax and Brenda both kissed Jane as they entered the house.

Jax put Jillian down as they entered the foyer and she skipped down the hallway to the den. Jax and Brenda followed behind Jillian. They hugged and kissed Jerry and Julia when they reached the den.

Jillian sat on Brenda's lap as Brenda, Julia and Jane sat together on the couch. Jerry and Jax were pouring drinks and Jose had sent in hors d'oeuvres. Jillian had shown Jax and Brenda her glow bugs and Brenda had convinced her that the garage was the favorite room in the house for the glow bugs so it would be best to keep the jars there instead of in Jillian's room.

Brenda kissed Jillian's cheek. "Mommy has something for you, angel. Do you remember what you asked Mommy to bring you from the beach?"

Jillian clapped her hands together. "Sea shells."

Brenda opened up her bag and took out the container of sea shells and gave them to Jillian.

Jillian laughed. "Look at them, Grandmom. They sparkle."

Jane smiled at her. "They are beautiful, Jillian."

Jillian took out the biggest shell and watched it shine in the light. "Look at this one."

Brenda stroked Jillian's curls. "Daddy found that one especially for you. I think that it is the prettiest one."

Jillian jumped off of Brenda's lap and ran to Jax and put her arms out to him. He picked her up and she kissed him. "Thank you Daddy."

"You are welcome, princess."

Jax put Jillian back down and she climbed back into Brenda's lap. Jax smiled as he watched them. Brenda was beaming again and he was thrilled.

Brenda helped Jillian sort through the shells. "Tell Mommy and Daddy what you did last night when you stayed at Aunt Julia and Uncle Jerry's house while Grandmom was visiting the horses."

"We watched the Winnie the Pooh movie and we ate pizza and had ice cream sundaes for dessert."

Brenda looked at Jillian. "Oh my, you had a very good time then I bet."

"Yes, especially with the whipped cream."

Jerry cleared his throat. "Well, Julia and I had better get moving. We are meeting Scott and Francesca for dinner."

Jax looked at Jerry and recognized the look in his eyes. "Jillian, what happened with the whipped cream?"

Jillian started giggling again and put her hand over her mouth. "Uncle Jerry was funny."

Brenda took a deep breath and prepared herself to hear almost anything. "What was Uncle Jerry so funny about?"

"He shook up the whipped cream and squirted it in his mouth and then in my mouth and he squirted me and then he had a little accident."

Julia glared at Jerry. "What? Where was I?"

Jillian continued her description of the fun. "You were on the phone and Uncle Jerry was chasing me in the living room. He did not mean to spill it."

Jax bit his lip to keep from laughing as he saw Jerry shaking his head at Jillian. "So Uncle Jerry was chasing you with whipped cream, princess?"

Jillian clapped her hands together and giggled again. "Yes, and he tried to squirt me but he hit the couch instead. It was funny."

Julia was seething. "You squirt whipped cream on that brand new couch? How did you clean it up?"

Jillian gave him no chance to answer. "He put the pillow over it because you came into the room. He said it was a magic pillow and it would clean it all up."

Brenda buried her head into Jillian's so that she could hide her laughter. Jax did not even attempt to hide his. Julia announced that it was indeed time to go and she said good-bye to everyone.

Jerry lagged behind and Jax patted him soundly on the back. "May the Lord have mercy on your soul, brother."

Jerry shook his finger at Jillian who only laughed at him. Julia called for him to get moving and her tone was anything but cheerful. Jerry walked out of the den and out of the house with Julia and Jane, Jax and Brenda started laughing.

Jillian looked up at Brenda with the innocence of an angel. "Aunt Julia looked mad. I think she is going to call Uncle Jerry that bad word again."

Brenda hugged Jillian. It felt so good to feel her in her arms. They were all still a family and it felt right for them all to be together. This was home.

The Jacks Residence -- 8:00pm

Brenda had given Jillian a bath and now Jillian was in bed listening to Jax read her a bedtime story. Tonight was Peter Rabbit which was Jillian's favorite. Jax had begun reading it to Jillian while Brenda was carrying her and Jillian had been attached to it ever since. Jax sat on the chair beside the bed and Brenda sat in bed with Jillian and held her as Jax read. Jillian held Roo-Roo in her arms as she listened to the story.

Jax finished reading the story and closed the book. Jillian clapped her hands and said, "The End," which was the custom for the end of any story which Jax read to her.

Brenda stood up with Jillian in her arms and Jax pulled back the covers. Brenda then put her down on the floor and Jillian knelt down and said her prayers. "God, please take care of Mommy, Daddy, Grandmom, Grandpa, Aunt Julia, Uncle Jerry, Aunt Lois, Uncle Ned, Brooke, Anthony, Aunt Robin and Roo-Roo."

Jillian then looked up at Brenda and Jax. "Mommy and Daddy, can I ask God to take care of Jamie?"

Jax put his arm around Brenda for support as he saw she was taken aback by Jillian's question. "Yes, princess. That would be very nice."

Brenda found her voice. "Yes, angel, Jamie would like that."

Jillian smiled. "Good. God, please take care of Jamie too."

Jillian got up and hugged and kissed Brenda good night. As Jillian went to kiss Jax, she stopped. "I forgot something." She then knelt back down. "God, please take care of the glow bugs."

Jillian stood back up and hugged Jax. He picked her up and kissed her good night and then put her into bed. Brenda tucked her into bed and turned on Veronica's music box the sounds from which Jillian had fallen asleep to since she was a baby.

Jax and Brenda blew her kisses and whispered good night to her. Jillian held Roo-Roo in one arm and waved with the other. She then said good night as Jax turned off the light.

Jax put his arm around Brenda as they walked down the stairs. Brenda stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked at Jax. "You do think that God is taking care of him, don't you?"

"Yes, I do, sweetie."

Brenda nodded. "Good. I ask Stone to take care of him too. I figure we can use all the help we can get."

Jax took her hand in his. "I am sure Stone is looking out for him too."

Brenda hugged Jax. "Okay. I'm okay."

"You must be tired, why don't I go and draw a bath for you and then maybe you can get some sleep."

Brenda smiled at him. "Thank you but I am fine right now. I know you have some faxes and reports to look over and I want you to do that. I will go sit with Jane and I will see you when you are finished."

Jax kissed her and walked back toward the office. Brenda took a deep breath and walked into the den where Jane was sitting. Jane looked up from her book when Brenda entered the room.

"Hello love. Where is Jax?"

Brenda sat down on the couch next to Jane. "He is in the office reviewing some reports."

Jane closed her book. "How are you?"

Brenda slowly exhaled. "I am holding on. Jax has been wonderful. We have begun to deal with some of this."

"I'm glad. It's a step on a long path."

Brenda nodded. "Yes, I am just beginning to realize how long that path is. We are going to go see Melanie together."

Jane took her hand. "Brenda, you are going to get through this. And in the end, the two of you will be stronger than ever. Love is a very powerful thing. It can work wonders and you two have it in spades."

"I am sure of how much we love each other and how much we love Jillian."

"And she loves you just as much. She is quite extraordinary."

Brenda smiled. "She is that. She just asked us if she could include Jamie in her prayers so that God would take care of him too."

"She is such a loving child."

Brenda agreed. "Yes, she is just like her father."

Jane shook her head. "No, she is just like both of you. Brenda, I have watched you with her for three years, even longer than that if you take into account the months you carried her. A child could not have been more loved and cherished than she was."

Brenda patted Jane's hand. "Thank you. Thank you for everything. I don't know what Jax would have done without you, John and Jerry over the past several months. And I don't know what I would have done without you over the past few weeks. I will never be able to thank you enough for your trip to Malibu. Jax and I would not be where we are now if you and I had not spoken."

"You have so much, Brenda, and that is what you have to remember. Look at today and don't look back at yesterday or ahead to tomorrow right now. Today is truly a gift."

"Jax said the same thing to me. He says that is a popular quote of yours."

"Yes, and I do honestly believe in its message. You are my daughter and I love you. I just want you to be happy and I truly believe you will be."

Brenda hugged Jane. "I love you too. And thank you for taking care of my daughter for me."

Jane smiled. "You are quite welcome."

Brenda sighed and realized how tired she really was. "Are you going to be up for awhile?"

"Yes, I am in the middle of a terrific murder mystery."

"I am going to go up and take a bath and get ready for bed. Would you tell Jax when he comes in?"

"Of course. Sweet dreams love."

Brenda hugged Jane again. "Thank you. You too. Have a good night."

"Good night, dear."

Brenda walked up the stairs and passed Jillian's room and then continued down the hall toward the master suite. She stopped in front of the closed door and stood there. It was if there was an invisible concrete wall between her and the door. It had been like that since the day she had come home from the hospital without Jamie to occupy the room. For months, she refused to even walk by the nursery door. She would use the front staircase to get to Jillian's room and use the back staircase to get to the master suite. Anything to avoid the black abyss of that room. Even though the room was completely vacant, she still had not been in the room since they had lost Jamie. It was another hurdle to conquer but she was still not ready. She still had quite a few to overcome but this was one of the biggest. Brenda sighed and continued down the hallway toward the master suite. She would continue to ask God for strength and one day she would open that door but it would not be today.

An hour later, Jax walked into the den in search of Brenda. "Hey Mum. I expected to find Brenda with you."

"She was here. She asked that I tell you that she was going up to take a bath and get ready for bed."

Jax sighed. "How was she Mum?"

Jane motioned for Jax to come sit with her. "Jax, she seems as if she is more in control. I think that is a very good sign."

"I hope so. She has her ups and her downs just like I do."

Jane looked at Jax. "That is to be expected for both of you."

"I know but I worry about her. I love her so much Mum."

Jane ran her hand through Jax's hair. "She loves you with all her heart, son. You do know realize that I hope."

Jax nodded. "Yes, I know how much she loves me and I know she understands how much I love her."

"Jax, that means a lot."

"I know it does. All I want is for her to be happy."

"I realize that, son. How was she over the past few days?"

Jax took a deep breath and smiled. "She laughed out loud, Mum. It was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. She smiled and there was a light behind her eyes at times. She was my Brenda again and I thought my heart would overflow with joy."

Jax's face then went blank. "Then there were times when she was barely there. There was only anguish in her eyes. I did not think that my heart could shatter anymore but I was wrong. Seeing her like that was pure torture. I just wanted to make the pain go away but I couldn't."

Jane put her arm around Jax. "But like you said, you saw a flicker which is better than what you were seeing a few months ago. You know that this will not be a miracle recovery process for either of you. It is going to take time and understanding and lots of love. You have all three so it will happen."

"You're right, Mum, as usual."

Jane laughed. "I wish your father would tell me that sometime."

Jax kissed her cheek and got up from the couch. "I am going to go upstairs to check on Brenda. Good night Mum and thanks for everything. I love you."

"You are welcome, Jax. I love you. Good night."

Jax walked up the stairs and he walked by Jillian's room and stopped. He could feel her presence there so he turned around and stood at the door. He saw Brenda sitting in the chair beside Jillian's bed. The moonlight was shining through the skylight and it provided a perfect spotlight on the two of them. Jillian looked like an angel sleeping with her arms cradled around Roo-Roo. Brenda looked like a fairytale princess with the light reflecting from her dark hair.

Brenda was gazing down at Jillian. She pulled the blanket up so that it covered Jillian. Then she softly brushed the curls from Jillian's face. Brenda continued to watch her sleep.

A moment later, she felt his hands on her shoulders. She took her hand and covered his and Jax sat next to her on the arm of the chair. Jax whispered to her. "Are you okay?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes, I just needed to see her. I missed her so much."

Jax rubbed her shoulders. "I know you did and so did I."

"She is so beautiful. She looks just like an angel when she sleeps."

"You look exactly the same way. That is why I love to watch you sleep."

Brenda smiled at him. "I love her so much. You and Jillian mean everything to me."

Jax gazed at her. "The two of you mean everything to me also."

"Your mother was right and so were you. All we can do is enjoy what we have today. We can't change the past or know what the future will bring so we just have to live for today."

"Sweetie, today is all we have right now."

Brenda nodded. "I understand that now. And look what I have today -- you and Jillian and wonderful family and friends and jobs I enjoy. How many people can say that they have that much?"

Jax shook his head. "Not enough."

Brenda smiled again. "Exactly. So we will concentrate on today. And today is truly a gift."

Jax put his arms around Brenda and they watched Jillian sleep. The moonlight glistened over the three of them. They were all true gifts to each other and they would be treasured always.