He gathered her into his arms, lifting her tiny body to his chest, relishing the nearness of her, despite the circumstances. He had wanted to hold her in his arms, but he had never expected to do it like this. Not that he was complaining; after four years of only watching her from afar, he'd take physical contact with her any way that he could.

He stood holding her like that for the longest time. He had forgotten how light she felt in his arms. He used to carry her every chance that he got that summer they were together. He loved the feel of her as she wriggled in his arms, happily wrapping her legs and arms around him; both of them enjoying the sensuous closeness they felt at that contact. But she wasn't happily wrapping any of her limbs around him this time, and she certainly wasn't enjoying their closeness. In fact, she'd fainted when he'd touched her!

Not that he could blame her. He'd crawled out of their bed four years ago after an afternoon of passionate lovemaking, and he'd disappeared completely from her life, not even calling her or sending her a postcard in all that time to let her know he was okay and that he still loved her. The fact that he'd left her against his will and had been prevented from contacting her again was beside the point. As far as Brenda knew, he'd abandoned her - abandoned their love - stolen away like a thief in the night, never to be seen or heard again - until now.

And now his sudden reappearance had frightened her. He had seen the fear and disbelief in her eyes as she stood staring at him, just seconds before her mind was overloaded by it all and she had collapsed into his arms. But he had also seen something else in her eyes, if only for a split second: he'd seen love in her eyes - love for him. That look of love - no matter how small - was enough to buoy his confidence that it wasn't too late for him.

He smiled down at her as she lay there in his arms, and suddenly he was inundated with all the feelings that had always flowed through him when they were together: happiness, fear, lust, love - most of all love. He couldn't believe how much he loved her, even after all these years, after all this time. And now, being here with her, holding her in his arms, he felt like his heart was ready to burst.

It had been four years since they had been together - four, agonizingly long years - but at this moment, his heart felt as if it had only been four minutes. He loved her now as deeply and surely as he had back then, and everything within him told him that she still loved him as well - her eyes had told him that, if only briefly. But he wasn't naïve enough to believe that she would want to immediately take up where they had left off - either physically or emotionally. He knew that he'd have to work very hard to make her trust him again, but he would earn her trust again. And he would make her understand that through it all, his heart had remained firmly in her possession, and it always would, no matter what.

He realized that he should probably lay her down now, although a part of him never wanted to let her out of his arms again. He moved around to the front of the oversized couch, carelessly sweeping some books off the cushions and onto the floor without noticing what they were, then he settled her gently onto the cushions as he knelt in front of her, just staring at her.

She was so beautiful! He had almost forgotten how beautiful she was. Even without makeup she was still easily the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen - and he'd seen quite a few in his time. Her thick, dark, lustrous hair, which fanned across the cushion beneath her head, smelled faintly of vanilla, and it brought back memories of him washing her hair as she lay back against him in the huge, cast iron tub in their tiny flat in Monaco. Her still flawless skin was a beautiful golden tan. He knew that it was just as creamy soft as he remembered, like the feel of the finest silk, and he had to restrain his urge to run the back of his hand slowly down her body as she lay there. Her long, dark lashes formed a lacy fringe across her upper cheeks, and he remembered how many nights he had lain awake watching those same lashes fluttering softly, as she was in the midst of a dream. And her lips… Her lips were still so full, so luscious, so inviting, and he licked his own lips at the thought of once again feeling hers pressed against his, teasing him, tasting him, wanting him…

He caught himself just before he brushed his lips against hers. They're no longer yours to kiss without invitation, he reminded himself sadly, as he moved away from her to avoid the temptation he still had to play Prince Charming to her Sleeping Beauty.

He stood and backed away slightly from the couch, but he still continued to gaze at her, his eyes sweeping from her face down across her body. She was still perfect in every way. Her tanned arms, with their delicate hands, lay draped across her flat stomach, and he smiled, remembering the countless stomach crunches they had done together in pursuit of that well-toned abdomen. The short, pink satin nightshirt she wore had ridden up slightly when he laid her down, exposing her shapely legs nearly up to her firm, upper thighs, reminding him of the feel of those legs as they would tighten around him when they made love. Suddenly he had to move completely away from the couch in order to control his urge to pick her back up into his arms and carry her back to her bed, where he would take up exactly where they had left off all those years ago.

He shook his head. Get a grip, he admonished himself, knowing that satisfying the physical craving he had for her - the craving he had carried with him for four years - was not an option right now. But what was an option was satisfying his curiosity about her heart. Did she still love him the way he loved her, or had this 'Rose Man' been able to take her heart?

The Rose Man… Where was the sea of roses that had filled the apartment earlier? He looked around the large, main area of the apartment and saw that there wasn't a single rose within sight now - or within scent - which meant she'd disposed of them in some way. "Good… Hopefully, she disposed of him, too," he whispered aloud, smiling at that thought.

It was at that moment that his eyes caught sight of the wall of floor-to-ceiling windows to his left, and he suddenly realized that, although there were sheers covering the windows, the drapes were not drawn and the lights in the loft were all blazing, leaving them vulnerable to being seen. And someone outside with a high-powered telephoto lens could easily be watching the apartment at this very moment, and they could have already seen him there. He knew that Andrew had promised never to invade Brenda's privacy like that, but after the things he'd heard Andrew say today, he wasn't sure that he could trust any of his promises anymore - if he ever should have trusted them in the first place. How had he been so careless as not to think about the windows before this, he wondered?

He immediately hit the wall switch that shut off the lights in the main room, then he crouched and made his way over to the windows, where he closed the drapes. He saw that she had left the lights on in the bedroom, too, so he crept his way along the walls to her bedroom, where he shut off the lights there also. He dropped to the floor once again, then he made his way over to close the drapes there, as he had done in the main room of the loft.

Satisfied that no one could see into the apartment now - with or without lights on - he stood and waited a few seconds until his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Finally able to make out objects well enough to navigate the unfamiliar room, he moved to the bedside table, turning on the small lamp there. The light from the lamp cast a warm, romantic glow throughout the room, and he smiled, remembering how Brenda always loved soft lighting in their bedroom, preferring 25 watt bulbs to anything more powerful in the tiny lamp that sat at their bedside. "I never want you to turn on the light in the middle of the night and have the harsh light of a 100 watt bulb highlighting all the shadows and sleep creases on my face!" she had informed him. But she never needed to worry about that because even in bright sunlight her beauty was flawless.

As he moved to leave, his hand brushed against her dress that had been draped carelessly across the bedside table, knocking it to the floor. He picked it up, caressing it against his cheek, savoring both the feel of the silk against his skin and the headiness of her scent, which permeated the fabric. He inhaled deeply, drinking in her essence as if he could somehow trap it within his lungs to keep with him always. He closed his eyes and imagined Brenda in the dress, coming toward him; her arms out to him; the hem of her skirt swaying as she walked, ebbing and flowing against her thighs with each step she took. And when she finally reached him in his fantasy, she took him into her arms, looking deep into his eyes, and whispered, "I never stopped loving you," as their lips melded together in a kiss that consumed them both with the fire of their mutual passion.

He opened his eyes, smiling as he felt a small shudder of pleasure course through him at the images in his head. He gave the dress one last caress, then reluctantly dropped it back where he had found it, but as he did so, another, smaller piece of fabric caught his attention. Peaking out from inside her open purse was a white, linen handkerchief - very definitely a man's handkerchief - streaked with what appeared to be mascara and lipstick, and still damp with tears.

He remembered that her eyes seemed swollen when he'd arrived, as if she'd been crying recently. A man's handkerchief… How many men still carried crisp, white linen handkerchiefs these days? He did, he thought, patting his left rear pocket. It was a habit his mother had instilled in both him and Jax when they were very young. He narrowed his eyes, wondering whose handkerchief this was, whose shoulder she'd been crying on, and why she'd been crying in the first place?

Perhaps it belonged to her friend, Ned Ashton. After all, they were to meet for dinner - but the phone message he'd overheard earlier in the day had said the dinner was tomorrow night. Of course, plans could change… But what if it belonged to him - the 'Rose Man?' Did she cry because she broke off their relationship, or simply because she wanted him to leave her alone but he refused? She must want him gone from her life, he surmised - she quickly got rid of all of the flowers he'd sent her. Why else would she get rid of all of them, unless she wanted no reminders of the man around?

But then, perhaps he was getting ahead of himself… After all, he had no real proof that there had ever been any kind of an intimate relationship at all between Brenda and the Rose Man… No actual proof - none whatsoever… just this gnawing in his gut that Brenda had finally allowed another man - this man of the roses and possibly the handkerchief- into her heart.

And had this man of the roses and the handkerchief broken her heart, which is why she had cried, he wondered? The thought of that happening to her again tore at his heart. The pain that he himself had caused her was more than enough for any one lifetime; she didn't need more. But he was here to rectify his mistake - if it wasn't already too late…

The sound of a clank and then a dull thud, signaling that the service elevator had stopped in the hall just outside the loft, brought him out of his reflection. He instinctively reached for his gun, which he had tucked just inside the top of his right boot. His mind raced back to the open drapes and the possibility that he had been seen here. Had the Agency come to finish what they had threatened all along if he tried to contact her again? His heart caught in his throat at the thought that he could bring harm to Brenda like that once again. How could he be so careless? But then his rational side kicked in - the Agency wouldn't send someone who was inept enough to herald their arrival by using a noisy service elevator. Then who could it be, he wondered?

In less than thirty seconds he had his answer, when he heard a loud knocking on Brenda's front door, accompanied by a frail, female voice calling for Brenda. "Brenda… Miss Wilding? Are you in there? It's me - Sylvia Shapiro - I have those cookies I promised you…"

Rick Jackson grinned as he packed up his equipment in preparation to return home for the night. This had been an extremely enlightening - and potentially profitable - night for him, despite the fact that it was ending earlier than he had expected. But he wasn't complaining; in fact, he could hardly wait to get home to his darkroom to develop the latest roll of film he'd just shot.

He tossed the film canister in the air and caught it, whistling happily. In his hot, little hands, he finally had proof of what he'd suspected for the last several days: Jerry Jacks was the agent that Buxton was trying so desperately to keep in the dark about Brenda Barrett and her new love interest - none other than Jerry's little brother, Jax. And he knew exactly what he was going to do with his newfound knowledge. Tonight his years of watching Brenda Barrett were finally going to begin to pay off in so many ways…

Brenda could hear what sounded like pounding coming from somewhere in the distance, followed by what she thought was someone faintly calling her name. This is the strangest dream, she thought as the pounding and the calling grew louder and louder, finally pulling her back to full consciousness, and she sat up with a start. She was disoriented… Where am I? she wondered, as her eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness of her surroundings. She finally realized that she was in her own living room, on her own couch, but she had no idea how she had gotten there or why it was so dark in there. The last thing she remembered…

But the pounding grew louder and Brenda was drawn out of her musings about where she was, how she had gotten there, and the last memory she had of things, when she very clearly heard Mrs. Shapiro's tiny, but firm voice calling her name, "Brenda… Miss Wilding? Are you in there? It's me - Sylvia Shapiro - I have those cookies I promised you… Brenda, is everything okay?"

"Mrs. Shapiro?" Brenda said aloud, questioning why she was here at this hour, then she suddenly remembered that Mrs. Shapiro - Sylvia - had promised to bring her a plate of freshly baked lemon tea cookies as a thank-you for the roses she had given her earlier in the evening. But hadn't she already been there with the cookies? For some reason, as Brenda stood shakily to turn on the lights and answer the door, she had this weird sense of déjà vu about all of this.

"Come in, Sylvia," Brenda offered as she opened the unlocked door for her neighbor. "Come on in! The door's open," echoed in her head. Where did that come from? She shook her head, trying to clear her mind, as the little, red-haired woman shot through the door the minute it was opened.

"I hope you like these," Sylvia offered as she set the plate of cookies onto Brenda's table and turned around, admiring the apartment. "This is a beautiful place you have here - and so roomy! I should have known it would be - after all, my apartment's good-sized, even though there are three other apartments the same size as mine on my floor…. But yours takes up the whole floor… and you live here all alone… What do you do with all this space?" she asked, her eyes taking in all the details of the spacious area.

Brenda, who was still slightly dazed and disoriented, was overwhelmed by Mrs. Shapiro's nonstop chatter. "Ummm… I do live here alone, but I also have part of the space for my studio - I'm a photographer," Brenda answered, pointing to several of her photographs that were displayed on the walls around them.

"Oh, those are lovely - just lovely!" the older woman exclaimed. "My Artie was quite the shutterbug in his time. He took good pictures - nothing like this, of course - but whenever the family got together, they'd always ask my Artie to preserve the moment for posterity with his camera," she said proudly.

Brenda smiled at that, but then as she stood looking at Mrs. Shapiro, who was now leaning against the arm of the over-sized couch, her eyes scanning the countless photographs scattered about the living room area, Brenda's mind kept picturing JD there instead. She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. What's happening to me - am I having a breakdown? she panicked. No, she told herself, you've just had too much wine and not enough food, and you've done four years' worth of gut-wrenching good-byes in one evening, and on top of that, you're tired.

Sylvia Shapiro finally stopped chattering and looked up at Brenda, who appeared pale and dazed. "Oh, my! Are you all right?" she asked, rushing immediately to Brenda's side and putting a comforting hand on her arm. "You look like you could pass out at any minute!"

Pass out… That was it! She remembered everything now... There had been a knock at the door, and she had thought it was Mrs. Shapiro. The door was unlocked, so she told her to come in. But when she looked up, instead of Mrs. Shapiro standing in her apartment, it had been JD standing there. She had thought she was imagining things again, but then he touched her and that's when she passed out! … He was here! That's how she got on the couch… That was why most of the lights in the place had been off when she woke up, although they'd all been blazing before… He had been here - she hadn't imagined him!… But where was he now…?

Her heart in her throat, Brenda looked wildly around the large loft apartment, trying to see where JD might be hiding. Then she saw the soft light coming from her bedroom, and she knew exactly where he was, and she instinctively knew that he wouldn't come out until after Mrs. Shapiro left. "Umm… I'm just really tired," Brenda finally answered Sylvia's remark about her appearance. "In fact, I was 'resting' on the couch when you came… It's been a long day and it's been hot, and you know how hot weather tends to drain your energy… And I haven't eaten much today, and then I had a little too much wine earlier tonight…" she explained to her neighbor, hoping that she would take the hint and excuse herself.

And she did. "Say no more, dear," Sylvia smiled. "I won't keep you another minute! Why don't you fix yourself a nice cup of tea and eat a couple of these cookies while they're still fresh and then head on into bed? I guarantee that you'll sleep like a baby then!" Sylvia said, patting Brenda on the arm and then toddling over to let herself out the door. "Perhaps we can get together and visit another time."

Brenda smiled warmly at her, feeling a genuine affection for this former stranger who now felt like a friend. "Definitely! I want to hear more about Artie, and maybe you can show me some of his pictures that he took some time."

Sylvia's face lit up at that. "I would love to show you all the pictures and mementos of my life with Artie," she said, as she opened the door to leave. "You just call me anytime!" she said as she headed out the door toward the elevator.

"I promise I'll call soon," Brenda said, but as she closed the door behind Mrs. Shapiro's retreating form, her mind had already drifted from that future tete-a-tete with Sylvia Shapiro to the man who she had consumed so much of her past - JD…

She felt a familiar warmth rush through her, as she sensed that he was back in the room before he even spoke. "She seems very nice," he said conversationally, referring to Mrs. Shapiro and acting as if he dropped in casually like this all the time.

Brenda's heart beat wildly as she turned slowly around to face him. He was there; she wasn't crazy! But why was he there - and why now? After four years without so much as a word, he just suddenly shows up out of nowhere to… to… what? Discuss her neighbors?

"Those cookies certainly look good," he continued, motioning his head toward the plate of cookies that sat on the table, never taking his eyes off Brenda as he continued walking slowly toward her. "…And so do you, Brenda…" he added, his voice seductively low, his darkened eyes shining with desire for her, just as they always had.

He was just inches from her now, and she could smell him; a mixture of sandalwood and musk emanated from him, and the scent immediately transported her to another place, another time… They were just outside the door of her little flat in Monaco, both high from the heady combination of too much fun and too much wine… They had just spent their first day together - both anticipating their first night together…

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She had imagined this moment - his return - so many times over the past four years: how she would react; what she would say - but now she had so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside her that she didn't know what to do. She suddenly felt frozen with fear at her own emotions.

Just moments ago she had said her good-byes to him - put him and her love for him in the past - and at that moment she had felt sure of what she had finally done. But now, standing so near him, feeling his warm breath as it gently ruffled her hair, she knew that despite her earlier resolve, he still had a firm stronghold on her heart. And she knew that she loved and wanted him now as surely as she had that day he had left her…

She opened her eyes to find him smiling at her, his eyes twinkling, his lips slowly descending toward hers. She unconsciously licked her lips in anticipation, and his smile grew at her apparent expectations.

"I've missed you so much, my beautiful princess," he whispered, his hands lightly touching first her hair, then her cheeks, as he gently angled her face toward him, moving closer, so that there was less than a hair's breadth between their lips. "I've missed the way your eyes sparkle when you're excited…" he said, looking deeply into her eyes. "…And the way your body feels, pressed against mine…" he continued, pushing his hips firmly against hers. "…And the way your lips taste against mine…" he finished, his mouth dropping hungrily onto hers; his voracious appetite for her finally overcoming his earlier resolve to move slowly.

You were supposed to take it nice and slow, he admonished himself, but at this moment he didn't care that this was not how he had planned for their first exchange to take place. She was in his arms and they were kissing… He had dreamed of this moment - this first physical contact with her - since the day he'd been forced to leave her, but nothing in his dreams even came close to the ecstasy he was feeling now that he was actually here with her… touching her… kissing her… having her kiss him in return… He'd been right - he had seen love in her eyes… She did still love him…

Brenda was completely caught up in the moment; swept away by the torrent of emotions that had flooded her from the moment she had known that he was really there… She had lost all capability of rational thought the minute he had touched her, and now she felt as if her brain had short-circuited and her body was on fire. This felt so good… It was what she had hoped for, prayed for, dreamed of for so long… He was alive… He was home… He still loved and wanted her…

He left you without a word, a voice deep within her whispered through the haze of passion that was enveloping her. …Never calling… never writing… never caring… He used you…He wants to use you again…

She closed her eyes harder and tried to ignore that inner voice, which was screaming that this was wrong - it was too soon for such intimacies; he needed to explain where he'd gone… why he'd gone… But a part of her didn't care if this was wrong; it felt so right to her at this moment. He still loved her - he'd returned to her because he still loved her. Her heart had cried for him forever and her body had ached for him just as long, and she needed sweet release from that ache. She loved him; she wanted to make love to him… This was right…

But what about Jax? her inner voice asked, and suddenly she remembered her own voice saying, "I love you, Jax." That memory echoed through her head and rebounded into her heart, and she pushed out of his embrace as if she'd been jolted by electricity. "No - stop this!" she cried, quickly backing away from him and stepping so that the table now separated them.

Seeing her pain and anger as she intentionally increased the distance between them, Jerry knew that he had made a monumental mistake in moving so quickly with her. He was trained to be in control at all times - to keep his head in all situations - but with her he'd allowed his emotions to take over. But he'd been sublimating his love and his need for her for so long that at times over the past four years he felt he would spontaneously combust. And that was exactly what had happened now. He had allowed his unbridled passion to control a situation that required tact and timing and patience. How could he have been so insensitive?

"I'm…I'm sorry…" he apologized. "I never meant to…" he began, his mind scrambling to find the right words that might explain why he had been so physically aggressive with her. Normally glib, he was now at a momentary loss for words. Frustrated by his own thoughtlessness, as well as his sudden inarticulateness, he ran his hands through his hair and hung his head in shame. "I never should have presumed…"

Angry tears now stung Brenda's eyes, but she wasn't sure if they were there because of his intimate action toward her or because of her equally intimate reaction toward him. He was back - JD was finally back, after all this time… after all the pain… after she'd finally made an attempt to move on… after she'd finally allowed herself to fall in love again… "Why are you here now - after all this time?" she finally asked, her voice quiet and trembling, as she fought to suppress her tears.

"Because I love you, and I've missed you," he said simply, his voice subdued, the twinkle gone from his eyes, as he raised his head to look at her.

She stood across the table from him, her arms wrapped around herself; a gesture he recognized as one of self-protection. He had seen it one other time, and that had been the morning after they had first made love… the morning that she had thought that he had merely used her for sex and then disappeared. His heart ached as he realized that his presumptuousness now had hurt her as much as his rashness had then. That morning he had run because she frightened him. The feelings that she stirred in him were unfamiliar and overpowering, and he'd been afraid to face them… to face her after he realized that he may have conquered her body that night, but she had captured his heart and soul. But he'd been compelled to return to her then, just as he'd been compelled to return to her now - the love he felt for her was too overpowering to deny; his need for her too painful to ignore any longer.

She gave a snide laugh at that. "Oh, so after four years - four years of me not knowing whether you're dead or alive - you suddenly come back because you realize that you love me and you can't possibly live another minute without me, is that it?" she asked, the bitterness evident in her voice. All at once she felt angry with him for all of the pain of the past four years, and her insecurities that had haunted her since he'd gone suddenly resurfaced. "What's the matter - did life with the family get boring again, and you thought you'd just drop back into my life for a quickie to spice yours up, then once your "urge" is satisfied, it's back to the little wife and the kids and your real life all over again? Wham, bam, thank you ma'am - it's been fun, but only as a diversion, not for the long run, right? …Is that how it works, JD?"

His eyes flashed at that. "No! I love you - I've loved you from that first day we met, and that has never changed - not in all this time!" He grew angry now, though at himself and not at her. "I'm not back here for a 'quickie,' as you put it! And I am not now, nor have I ever been married, nor do I have any children…" he continued, not noticing as Brenda's face visibly paled at the mention of children. "I didn't leave you because I didn't love you, Brenda. In fact, I didn't want to leave you at all, but I had to… And when I did, I thought I could fix everything in a week or two, and then I'd come back for you, and we could be together for the rest of our lives… But things went wrong, and I couldn't get back to you and I couldn't contact you again…"

Brenda softened slightly as she thought about what he'd just said. What he was saying had a ring of truth in it, but was that only because it was what she had wanted to believe for so long? … That he had always loved her and that he hadn't wanted to leave her; that he'd been forced from her arms, never able to return to her… to their love… And then a very real possibility struck her suddenly: she had tried so hard to bury Brenda Barrett and the pain of that time that she had become Brenda Wilding soon after she'd lost the baby; perhaps she had buried herself too deeply. Had he been trying to find her all these years, but he couldn't because Brenda Barrett had ceased to exist just a few weeks after he'd gone?

"You mean you couldn't find me?" Brenda asked, needing clarification.

Jerry looked at Brenda for several seconds, wondering how much of all of this he could safely tell her? He could simply tell her that he hadn't been able to find her all these years because he had no idea that she'd changed her name. That would take him off the hook and safeguard her from asking him further, more difficult questions, but he couldn't lie to her again - at least about this. He had been forced to start their relationship with a lie - that he was Jarrod Davis, not Jeremy David Jacks - and he still couldn't tell her his real name yet - but he could at least tell her the truth about why he had stayed away all those years. "I knew where you were… I've known all along…" he answered quietly, bracing for her anger.

"You've known all along where I was, but you've never tried to contact me until now - even though you say you have loved me from the start and that it killed you to leave me and be away from me…" Brenda repeated, not sure that she had heard him correctly. When he nodded, she exploded, "This is so bogus, JD! If you had truly wanted to be with me, you would have moved heaven and earth to be with me - I know I would have done that to be with you! But evidently your "love" for me wasn't all that strong!"

This time it was Jerry's turn to explode, "Not strong? My god, do you have any idea what kind of strength it takes to walk away from the one person in the world who means everything to you? … To know that I could never again hold you in my arms or hear you whisper my name as we made love… Or to know that the family I had dreamed about with you could never happen because if I returned to you - returned to my heart - then I'd lose you all over again - but this time they'd kill you!"

"Kill me?!" Brenda was incredulous. "What are you talking about? Why would anyone want to kill me?"

"To keep me in line…" Jerry answered, reaching out for her, but she moved away from him once again. "My work… The people I work for… they don't like their… 'employees'… to have any close ties because they feel it distracts them from their 'assignments.'"

"JD, this is ridiculous! No company could dictate the personal lives of their personnel like that - the ACLU would be down on them in no time!" Brenda countered, wondering if JD actually thought she was naïve enough to buy this ridiculous explanation for his four- year disappearing act?

"I don't have a normal job, Brenda. The 'Agency' I work for is so top secret that it doesn't officially exist, so it isn't exactly bound by the law of this or any other land," he answered, realizing that he may have already told her too much, but it was too late to turn back now. He'd just have to make her understand that this information could go no further than the two of them. "Brenda, I'm confiding this to you because I love you and I want you to understand what I was up against when I left you - what I'm still up against… My work is undercover and highly secret. Jarrod Davis isn't my real name, although my initials are JD, which is why I wanted you to call me that. That was as close to the real me that I could let you get. I can't even tell you my real name yet… I have a list of aliases longer than your arm, and I travel around the world, visiting countries whose governments may be less than 'friendly' to 'us' and 'our way of thinking.' I give those already unstable regimes a little 'push' to help topple them… And, on occasion, I've had to neutralize certain factions along the way to further the cause."

"You mean you're a secret agent - and you kill people?" Brenda gasped, grabbing hold of the table for support. This man, whom she had loved with all of her heart for so long but whom she had apparently never really known, was a real life James Bond, who eliminated people the way most people take out the trash!

"When there's no other way…" he nodded slowly.

Brenda suddenly felt the need to sit down, and she settled herself onto the center of the couch. So much was making sense now… Why there was no trace of him in any computer files… Why he had never talked about his work… Why she had seen so much pain in his eyes their last time together... What else that had happened could be tied directly to his work, she wondered? Suddenly, she remembered something that he'd said earlier. "What did you mean when you said that 'this time' they'd kill me?" she asked, as she looked up at JD, afraid to hear the answer.

He knelt down in front of her and took both of her hands in his. "I tried to come back to you later that summer - after you moved here. I let them know that they couldn't keep me - I was prepared to leave no matter what - so the Agency used the only leverage it had over me - they went after you."

Brenda's eyes glazed over and her face went white. "The mugging… it wasn't random…it was planned from the start…" It wasn't a question; she suddenly knew it was planned. She clutched her hands tightly to her abdomen and whispered softly, "JJ…"

Jerry thought he heard her whisper "JJ," but he wasn't sure, so he let it slide, instead merely nodding solemnly. "I'm so sorry… If I had known I would have done so many things differently… I would have just gone into hiding with you immediately, without ever contacting the Agency. But I was arrogant. I thought I had the Agency by the balls with my demands to leave; but they quickly showed me that it was the other way around… They told me about everything after it happened. They said that time around you got away with just minor injuries; the next time you'd be dead."

Brenda looked at him sharply, tears running down her cheeks. Minor injuries? She nearly died! And he didn't mention the baby… They hadn't told him how serious her injuries had been or that she'd been pregnant… They hadn't told him that they had already killed a part of her - a part of both of them - that first time…

Jerry had tears in his eyes, too. "I couldn't let anything more happen to you, Brenda. That was more than enough warning for me then."

"And now?" she asked warily. "Is the threat against my life over now? Is that why you're here now - because it's safe?" But she already knew the answer from his eyes...

"No - but I couldn't stay away any longer, Brenda… I want a life with you - away from the Agency - away from everything but you and me and our love…"

"And what about what I want?" she asked angrily, pulling away from him and running her hands through her hair in frustration. "Don't I have a say in this?" She stood and brushed past him, pacing anxiously in front of the windows. She couldn't believe how her life seemed to be tumbling out-of-control once again. Just a couple of hours ago, she'd been admitting her love to Jax, open to the endless possibilities that lay ahead for the two of them.... Just a few minutes ago she was kissing JD and ready to profess her love to him… Then he told her that everything she'd ever known or believed about him was a lie - except the part about him loving her… He told her that he stayed away to protect her, but in the next breath he told her that his return to her could cost her life. And on top of that, he expected her to run away with him - just like that, with no questions and no hesitation!

He stood and reached out to stop her pacing. "I know this is a lot to ask, and for you it seems to have come out of nowhere. But I've been thinking about this for four years - since the day I left you… I love you, and I know that you still love me, Brenda…" he countered, undeterred by her sudden outburst. "I saw it in your eyes when I first showed up tonight and then again when we kissed, and even now, even though you're angry with me…"

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She couldn't deny that she still loved him, but she also loved Jax now. Timing really is everything, she thought. She opened her eyes, trying to think of a way to tell him about Jax without hurting him. "Where were you last year… last month… last week, even? I would have gone with you in an instant then, but now…" her voice trailed off.

"You've met someone…" he finished for her. It wasn't a question, but a statement. She nodded. "And you… you love him…" Another statement; another nod. He felt like a knife had been plunged into the center of his heart. "I should never have expected you to put your heart on hold, just because I had…"

"There's never been anyone for you since me?" she asked, finding it hard to believe that this passionate man could live long without a lover.

"I've shared my body since you, but no one could touch my heart or my soul," he said quietly, "because you took possession of them the day we met, and you've had them ever since…" He cupped her face in his hands as he looked into her eyes, wanting her to understand what he was saying. "There has been no woman - before or since you - who has excited me or interested me as you do. Sex without love is no longer fulfilling to me. You showed me that a physical relationship with the one you love is the ultimate experience… and I still want that with you - and I think you still want that with me."

Brenda couldn't deny it - a part of her wanted to run off with JD for the life that they were robbed of so many years ago. But a part of her wanted to experience life with Jax, to explore what their newfound love could bring them.

Jerry could see her struggling. She loved him, and he knew from the reports he'd had on her that up until a week ago there had been no steady man in her life, other than Ned Ashton, and he was married to her best friend. She rarely socialized and when she did, it was in a very small, select circle of friends. And on the rare occasion that she dated, there was never a second date with any of them.

But he was blind about this new man in her life; for some reason, Andrew had chosen to keep him in the dark about him entirely. But he did know that this man - the Rose Man - had come into her life, and, in less than a week, had swept her off her feet and had managed to entice her to fall in love with him. Jealousy coursed through him at the thought of another man owning a piece of her heart; another man experiencing the love that was rightfully his.

And it seemed so unfair! It wasn't as if he'd abandoned her willingly and then returned as a diversion, as Brenda had suggested. He'd been forced to stay away from her all these years - and he had done it because he loved her. But he was back now - also because he loved her. He needed to make her understand the depth of his commitment to her…

"Brenda, I don't know this man you say you love, but I know myself, and I know that no matter what he has to offer, I can offer you more…" He could see that she was ready to defend her new lover, so he continued before she could protest, "I don't mean that in a derogatory way about this man, whoever he is. I just meant that… well, I didn't just come back to explain things to you in the hope that you'd forgive me and we could resume our affair… I came back because I love you, and I know I can't live without you any longer. I want to spend the rest of my life with you as my center… Brenda, I want to marry you…"

Brenda's eyes widened, and her knees suddenly felt weak again, and she sat back down on the couch. "You want to marry me?" She had always dreamed of a married life with JD, but in the time they had been together, he had never really broached the subject directly. He had inferred they would be together forever back then, but he had never offered a proposal as a covenant for that permanence. And to have him here now, like a ghost from her past after all this time, asking the question she had dreamed of for so long… It just all seemed so surreal…

"Yes…" he answered, smiling as he sat down beside her, taking her hands in his. "I think I've wanted to marry you since that first night we spent together… I just felt I didn't have the right to ask you until I was free from my work… I planned to propose when I came back to get you in Monaco. That was supposed to be just a few weeks after I left to handle my one last assignment before leaving the Agency, but things didn't work out quite as I had planned…" he said, his eyes full of remorse and regret.

"I wish I had known…" she said wistfully, thinking how much knowing that he had always wanted that commitment with her would have buoyed her spirits, especially after she'd lost the baby… The baby… He still didn't know there had ever been a baby, let alone that it was gone… She needed to tell him - He had a right to know about the child they had conceived and then lost. But he already felt so much guilt as it was. How could he live with the guilt of knowing that his actions had cost him his own child? She couldn't do that to him - at least, not right now.

She looked back up into his face and saw the raw fear that had crept into his normally confident eyes, and she felt a wave of empathy wash over her. He had returned to her with open arms, only to be faced with knowing that she had finally begun to move on without him, and she knew the pain that he must be feeling at that. She had experienced it so many times over the past four years when her insecurity would get the better of her and she'd imagine JD in love with another woman, or, worse still - happily ensconced in a beautiful home with a loving wife and children surrounding him.

He had gone through as much hell as she had over the past four years - maybe even more because he had known the pain he had caused her; had known how to find her; had known that he still loved her; and had known that if he tried to act on that love, he'd be responsible for signing her death warrant. Now he'd come back, expecting to whisk her away with him to safety in his loving arms for the rest of their lives. But, beyond her newfound feelings for Jax, could they truly rekindle what they once had? And, more importantly, could they ever really be safe together again?

"Where would we go, JD?" she asked, her dark eyes once again shining with tears. "You said that they threatened to kill me if you contacted me, but here you are… And you said yourself that this 'agency' you work for is worldwide and abides only by its own laws, so where could we go to be safe from their reach? How can we expect to be happy if we have to spend the rest of our lives constantly looking over our shoulders?"

"I have access to a private island - one that's not even on most maps," he explained, his eyes once again lit with excitement. "It belongs to my brother, and he would never betray me by letting anyone know we were there."

"Your brother - he knows about what you do for a living and why you need the island?" she asked, suddenly realizing that this was the first that JD had ever mentioned any family to her. She was discovering more and more that she knew less and less about him.

"He has no idea what I do for a living - as far as he knows, I'm his idle rich brother who spends his time traveling the world in search of his next big adventure to help deal with life's boredom. But he loves me, so he never questions me about my life choices. And when I told him about you…"

"You told him about me?" Brenda interrupted, wondering what all JD had confided to his brother about her?

"In a roundabout way - yes. I told him I thought his little island paradise would make a wonderful place for you and me to honeymoon… He was thrilled that I'd finally fallen in love," Jerry smiled, remembering Jax's reaction to his disclosure to him about Brenda and his plans for them.

"So you had planned to ask me to marry you all along?" she asked quietly, more to herself than to him. She was still amazed that he was back after all this time - and that he'd returned to ask her to be his wife.

"Yes - but I hadn't planned to just drop it on you like I did… I'd hoped to ease into it… Of course, I'd also planned to go slowly when I saw you and not to try to seduce you immediately, but you see how well I followed that plan!" He looked over at her with twinkling eyes and was gratified to see her smile slightly at his comment. He took her hands in his once again. "Honestly, Brenda… I never meant to force myself on you in any way… You know I'd never do that, don't you?" he asked, searching her eyes for any sign that she believed him.

"Yes, JD, I know that," she answered softly. "I may not know as much about you as I thought I did, but I do know your heart, and I know that you would never deliberately hurt me in any way… It's not in your nature to deliberately hurt someone you love."

"You do know me…You may not know my real name or the particulars of what I do day-in and day-out or about my family background, but you know the most important part of me - my heart - because you are my heart - and my soul…

"From the outside, no one has a clue that I've been a shell of a man most of my life, but it's the truth. I was sleepwalking through life before I met you, Brenda, and I've been sleepwalking since we've been apart. It was only when we were together that I became whole and I really felt what it was like to truly live life to the fullest. With you, I saw things in a whole new light… experienced every color of the spectrum… felt the warmth of the sun for the first time… felt what it was like to love someone fully and be loved by them in return. But then, when you were taken from my life, it was like my world was plunged back into darkness; perpetual gray replaced the vibrant colors I once saw, and unending cold seeped in where your warmth had once been.

"I'm tired of merely existing, Brenda. I want to feel what it's like to live again, and I can only do that with you in my life… Please don't turn me away," he pleaded, his eyes glistening with tears.

Tears were running down Brenda's cheeks as she listened to his heartfelt declaration of love for her. She slowly raised her hand to tenderly caress his cheek. If she hadn't already loved him before, she surely would have fallen in love with him now. And she knew that every word that he said was sincere - she could feel it in her own heart and soul.

"I could never turn you away," she said, her eyes shining with tears and love. "You're as much a part of me as I am of you, but I can't agree to marry you - at least not now, not tonight. I have so much that I have to sort through before I can give you my answer about marriage… I love you - I really do love you - that has never changed… but what has changed is that you're no longer the only one I love." She saw him visibly blanche at her declaration, and her heart broke for him, but he needed to know…

"For the past four years, I lived and breathed you; hoping and praying that you were still alive and that some day you'd return to me. I wrapped myself in our love and wore it as protection against the outside world, so that nothing again could hurt me as your disappearance - and what followed - hurt me."

Jerry averted his eyes from hers at that, but she turned his face so that they were once again eye-to-eye.

"I'm not saying this to hurt you, JD. I just want you to understand what I did then, so you can understand what I'm doing now… I used our love as a shield against the world, and it insulated me so well that I quit living… I was like you - I went through the motions, and the people who saw me thought I had a full and rich life, but I didn't because I was empty inside…"

"Just like me, Brenda - but now we can fill each other again," Jerry interrupted, his voice hopeful as he pulled her close to him, kissing her softly on the forehead.

She didn't pull out of his embrace, but she sighed as she continued, "Yes, but unlike you, JD, I found someone who reached me inside my fortress of memories that I'd built so high and so strong… I didn't want him to do that; I fought him every step of the way, but he was persistent and he broke through those walls I'd built up around my heart… He reached into my heart and he began to fill it… And, before I knew it, I realized that I'd fallen in love with him…"

He pulled away from her to look her in the eyes. "But you love me," he protested softly, his voice sounding strangely like a frightened little boy's. "I know you do. I can see it in your eyes… I felt it in your kiss…"

"Shh…" she soothed, placing her fingers to his lips to silence him momentarily. "I do love you - I can't deny that - but I also love him, and I can't deny that either," she admitted quietly and watched as his face fell at her frank revelation.

They sat quietly for several seconds: he, pondering what she had just said; her, watching as his emotions played across his face. There was a part of her that wanted to kiss away the hurt that her honest admission had caused him; knowing that once their lips met and they allowed themselves to release the pent-up feelings that they both held for one another that they would inevitably end up in bed, loving each other completely and fully and for hours on end. As comforting and fulfilling and enticing as that prospect might be, she couldn't allow it. It would just muddy the already murky emotional waters that surrounded them.

Finally, he broke the silence between them: "I understand that you love both of us - I don't like it, but I'm a realist, so I'm accepting the situation as it is. I was a fool to think that in all this time there wouldn't be someone else who could love you and want you as much as I do… I just always hoped you'd never return his love… That's my own selfish pride talking there, thinking that you could never love anyone but me simply because I know I can never love anyone but you…" he said, stroking her face gently, wanting so much to kiss her again; knowing that if they kissed again that she would melt into him. He knew that if he pushed only slightly that they would make love before the night was over, but afterward she would hate herself - and possibly him.

He wanted her more than he wanted his next breath, but not like that. He wanted to show her that he was the better man in every way, but to do that he would have to use constraint - use his head rather than his bed to win her back again. Besides, when they made love again, he wanted to own all of her heart, not just a part of it, and he knew that wouldn't happen until she'd been able to deal with all that he'd dumped in her lap tonight. Unfortunately, they didn't have a lot of time for that to happen…

"I understand that you need time to decide… about us… but, unfortunately, time is at a premium here now…" Jerry said, having regained his composure, returning to his normally unflappable, in-control persona. "We need to get you packed." He stood and walked across the living room, heading for her bedroom.

"I told you that I can't give you an answer tonight. I thought you understood that," Brenda said, startled by his sudden transformation from complete vulnerability back to complete control once again. "Where do you think you're going?" she asked, although she knew exactly where he was heading.

"I told you - to get you packed… You're leaving with me tonight," he called over his shoulder as he disappeared past the bookshelves, on his way to her bedroom.

"I can't leave here with you tonight - I have obligations, JD!" she yelled, chasing after him across the length of the apartment, finally catching up with him as he reached her bedroom.

"You can't stay here, Brenda; it's not safe… The Agency may not know that I'm here at the moment, but they'll know soon enough that we've been together, and then they'll make good on their threat against you… I can't take that chance…" he said as he opened the closet, looking for a small suitcase. "Listen - I waltzed in here tonight, thinking that we'd pick up where we left off. You'd be thrilled to see me, and you'd run off with me to get married and spend the rest of our lives living in paradise. I wasn't counting on the presence of another man in your heart… But the truth of the matter is, whether you decide to marry me or not, I'm taking you away from here for your own safety - tonight," he declared, locating her carryon and tossing it on the bed.

"JD, please…" Brenda pleaded, grabbing his hands just as he opened her dresser to pull out her clothes. "I understand the Agency's threat and I'll take this seriously, but do I have to leave tonight? Can't I at least have a day or two to get things in order? I have clients who are counting on me… friends who'll be worried about me…"

"Lovers who'll miss you?" JD added sarcastically, immediately regretting his stinging words. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have… I'm sorry…" he apologized, hanging his head, and the vulnerable boy was back again.

Brenda's eyes grew cold. She knew that her revelation about Jax was eating at JD's heart like acid, but she also had issues that had eaten at her for years, and she couldn't stop her caustic reply, "Yes, JD - unlike you, I can't just disappear without a word to anyone - especially someone I love… I know what that's like…"

"Touché," he replied sheepishly. "I guess I deserved that…

"No - no, you didn't…" she sighed, sorry that she'd been so scathing with him. "…Just as I didn't deserve your comments…" He nodded contritely. She walked over to him and took his hands, "Listen, JD… we're both tired, and our emotions - all of them - are right there at the surface… We should probably both discount half of what we've said here tonight…"

"The part about you saying you love me?" JD asked, fear and vulnerability again showing in his sapphire eyes.

"No, not that…I would never lie to you about that," she said quietly, kissing him chastely on the cheek.

"How about the part about you saying you love someone else…" JD suggested hopefully, his eyes twinkling.

Brenda laughed lightly and shook her head. "Not that either… I'm sorry if I hurt you with that… I just wanted you to understand that he's important in my life now. Anything I do, I have to do with him and my feelings for him in mind - just as anything I might decide to do with him, I now have to do with you and my feelings for you in mind…"

"But there are some things that aren't open for debate, Brenda - like you leaving here with me for your own safety," he announced firmly.

Brenda chewed her bottom lip several seconds, debating how to approach this subject with JD. He could be stubborn once he had his mind set on something, especially something as important as this. She knew that she had to leave with him. She had no doubt that his fear for her safety was genuine - even she feared for her own safety, given what had happened to her the last time JD had tried to defy these people. But he himself said that he doubted they knew he'd been there yet. If she could just have a few hours to settle a few matters, she could go with him without reservation - well, without as much reservation. "I understand that I need to leave here for my own safety - and I accept that - but does it have to be tonight and right this minute?" she asked hopefully.

"Brenda…" He was about to tell her that they had to leave immediately, but seeing the look on her face - and knowing how strongly she felt about just disappearing into the night without a word - he stopped to mull over her suggestion. He was a betting man, and he would wager that neither Andrew nor the Agency was aware of his contact with Brenda yet, so they had at least a few hours for her to settle a few matters. Still, did he have the right to bet on Brenda's life like that? But looking into her eyes, he knew that he didn't have the right not to allow her a little say in what happened to her now, so he relented. "Okay… I'll give you until noon tomorrow to get things settled. It's nearly one now," he said, glancing down at his watch, "so that gives you eleven hours to take care of what you need to take care of. But then we're out of here - do you understand?" he asked, his tone of voice conveying the seriousness of this matter.

"Yes! Thank you, JD!" Brenda exclaimed, excitedly jumping into his arms and kissing him. It felt so natural for her to do it that she at first didn't think about how inappropriate it was, given the situation between them. "Ummm… I'm sorry - I shouldn't have done that…" she apologized, blushing as she quickly slid out of his arms, suddenly realizing the awkwardness of the situation.

"Don't ever apologize for anything you do - I've missed your spontaneity and your enthusiasm," he smiled, catching a glimpse of the exuberant Brenda who had captured his heart all those years ago. He felt on fire, especially as she slid down the front of him, innocently trying to extricate herself from his arms. She had no idea what her movements did to him. It took all of his self-control not to take her back in his arms and make full use of the bed against which they were both leaning.

He watched as she nervously chewed her lip again, and he had to look away; every movement she made - no matter how innocent - seemed to drive his need for her. "I'd better go now," he announced. "I have some things to get together before we take off - but I'll be back in a few hours. Then, whether you're ready or not, we have to leave," he pointed out and she nodded.

"You do understand that no one - and I mean no one - can know about any of this - not about me or what I do or that we've spoken or about the fact that we are going away together. It's for their safety as much as it is for yours and mine, Brenda." She nodded again and he continued, "Tell them that you're taking a few days off to clear your mind or to just get away from the city…Tell them anything, as long as it will satisfy them until we're safely gone… Then, after I'm sure that things are safe or I've established a non-traceable means of communication, you can get back in touch with those that you still care about…" If you still care about them, he thought, hoping that their time of enforced togetherness would tip the scales in his favor and she'd forget completely about the Rose Man.

"I understand, JD," she answered, grateful that he was allowing her this time alone to pack and take care of a few things. She had to get those last pictures mailed to Sam Edwards at Stay Fit magazine; she had to write a note to Ned and Lois, telling them not to worry; and, most of all, she had to call Jax, if only to hear his voice one more time…

Jerry turned to leave, but stopped just at the door of her bedroom to add, "Pack light; take a couple of changes of clothes and only those things you absolutely can't live without. We can pick up anything else we need once we get to where we're going." He paused, gazing intently at her, hoping he was doing the right thing by leaving her alone for the next few hours. He felt a chill go down his spine at the thought of something happening to her again, but he had to trust that she would follow his instructions to the letter. To make certain she truly understood everything, he added one last point to emphasize the need for her to be discreet and to stay put, "Brenda, this is very important: don't let anyone in while I'm gone and don't go anywhere. And remember: trust no one but me - no one!"

She nodded her understanding once again, and he left, despite his lingering fear that something was about to go very wrong…