"His name was Jarrod… Jarrod Davis, but I called him JD… It was four years ago, and I was barely 21. We met on a beach in Monte Carlo…" Brenda began quietly, her voice shaking slightly as she began the bittersweet journey through her past. Jax tightened his grip on her hand and smiled gently at her as she struggled with her memories.

"I was living on my own, taking pictures for tourists to support myself, and one day he approached me to take pictures of the countryside for him. He said he was on vacation and loved the area, but he'd neglected to pack his camera, which is why he wanted to hire me." She smiled slightly at the memory, closing her eyes as she was once again transported back to that magical day.

"He was so handsome… I remember standing there, completely mesmerized by him as he walked out of the sea and onto the beach toward me. He was the most magnificent man I'd ever seen in my life. He looked like a Greek god come to life, with the sun making the water droplets on him glisten like jewels. And the minute he looked at me, it was like the world stopped. He caught the attention of every person on that beach, especially the women, and he knew it and he loved it - but he only had eyes for me.

"He was an American - from New York - and he hired me for the day to take pictures to 'commemorate his trip to Monaco,' he said. But as the day ended, it became very clear that he wanted me more than he wanted the pictures I'd taken for him - and I wanted him just as badly… We were inseparable from that moment on. We lived together, and for six, glorious weeks he was my life. I had never known such happiness before him, and then - as suddenly as he had appeared in my life - he was gone…" She looked up at Jax, and she thought she saw a brief tinge of pain flash through his eyes, but then it was gone and immediately replaced by tenderness. "Are you sure you want to hear about this?" she asked quietly, knowing that hearing the most intimate details of the depth of her love for JD could hurt Jax.

Jax fought against the surge of jealousy that was coursing through him at the tenderness in Brenda's voice as she spoke of this man. "Go on," he urged softly, stroking her hand gently. "I want to hear everything," he added, smiling despite the pain he felt at her continued affection for this Jarrod Davis. She still loved this man, even after all these years - the look in her eyes and the inflection in her voice told him that. It hurt him to hear the love in her voice and see the love in her eyes for this man, but Jax knew that if he were ever going to win her heart completely, he had to know everything that had happened between her and this man.

She nodded slightly, but then hesitated again as she looked around the crowded room. "Maybe this wasn't the best place to delve into all of this…" she said, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in the crowded restaurant. She wanted to tell Jax everything, but this no longer seemed to be the appropriate place for professing the intimate details of her past.

"Would you like to go someplace else - perhaps someplace less public?" Jax asked, hoping that a change of location would prompt her to continue. He felt that she was finally opening herself to him, and he wanted to do whatever he could to make her comfortable enough to open herself completely.

She looked at him shyly, "Yes… I hate to do this to Antony - I mean, it won't look good for his business - but I really need to get out of here and into the fresh air."

Jax smiled at her warmly. "I think that if we leave together, Antony won't care at all that we're leaving so soon or before we've finished our meals."

"You haven't even begun yours," Brenda pointed out, as Jax's Caesar salad sat untouched before him.

"You know, I really wasn't all that hungry in the first place. Besides, that's why they invented takeout bags," he grinned, as he signaled for Taylor to come to the table so that he could settle the bill.

"Jax… why don't you eat while your salad's still fresh… We can talk another time…" Brenda began, but Jax cut her short.

"Brenda, I could go the rest of my life without eating if it meant that you would finally open yourself up to me. I have to admit that I am hungry, but it's not food that I need. I need to know more about you - I need to know why you're so afraid to allow yourself to love me, when I know that you already do love me."

"Jax, please - I told you…" she began, but he stuck his fingers to her lips to silence her.

"I know what you said with your words the other night, but your eyes and your heart tell me that you love me - and one day you'll be able to admit here -" He touched her head. " - what you already know in here…" He put his hand over her heart. "And until then, I'll be waiting… and hoping… but I won't be going away… And right now I want to hear why you're so afraid to love, so that I can know what I have to do to help you heal, and then you can give in to what your heart is telling you is right."

Brenda looked at him, surprised by his compassion and his tenacity despite the subject matter. If the situations were reversed, she wasn't sure she'd be strong enough to hear about his past loves. She lifted her hand to run it lovingly along his strong jaw line, marveling at this man who seemed too wonderful to be true, just as JD had once seemed to her.

In so many ways Jax reminded her of JD. Even beyond their identical smiles and their similar physiques there was a resemblance. Both exuded self-confidence and both were unbelievably tenacious when it came to getting what they wanted, and both stirred something within her that no other men had ever touched. She wanted so badly to be able to just let herself follow her heart and love Jax as he deserved to be loved, but she wondered if JD's memory would ever allow her to truly give herself to another man as fully as she had once given herself to JD?

He smiled at her again and kissed her hand. He knew she couldn't verbally express her love for him yet, but it was still there - he could see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch. At that moment he knew that nothing and no one could ever make him doubt that she loved him and that they were meant to be. He just had to help her put this man who haunted her where he belonged - in the past. He had to help her deal with her past so that they both could enjoy the present together - and plan for their future.

Just then, both Taylor and Antony appeared at their table. "Is there a problem, Mr. Jacks? Were the meals not satisfactory? I can have the chef prepare something else for you both…" Antony said anxiously, trying to gauge the climate of the table from the expressions on both Jax and Brenda's faces.

"I'm sure that the meals were wonderful, Antony," Jax replied, smiling as he stood to shake Antony's hand as he handed him several, crisp, one-hundred dollar bills and $50 to Taylor for his service. "But some pressing matters came up, and Ms. Barrett and I need to be leaving now."

Antony saw the glimmer in Jax's eyes, and he understood immediately that things between Jax and Brenda had definitely improved since Mr. Ashton had left and that they just needed a little more "privacy" at this point. "I understand completely," Antony smiled, relaxing as he watched the intimate looks that passed between Jax and Brenda. "But you've hardly touched your salads. Would you care to take them with you?"

"I don't need to take mine… I'm really not very hungry right now," Brenda apologized. "I promise I'll be back soon, Antony, and I'll have a full-course meal then - complete with tiramisu for dessert," she added, feeling guilty that their abrupt departure had caused Antony to panic and hoping that her promise to return soon would smooth things over with him.

"I don't need to take mine either, Antony - And we'll both be back for that full-course meal, complete with dessert, very soon," Jax agreed eagerly, which brought a smile to Antony's face.

"Then I'll hold you both to that!" Antony laughed, as Jax and Brenda left the table, hand-in-hand. He watched as Jax's arm went around Brenda's waist and she instinctively leaned slightly into his embrace. Antony knew that despite the premature end to this meal that things were far from finished for Jax and Brenda. In fact, Antony could feel the love between the two of them as they left his restaurant, and the romantic in him had no doubt that things were actually just beginning for both of them…

Andrew Buxton hung up the phone and leaned back in the soft leather of his desk chair, looking out his office window at the Manhattan skyline as he contemplated the chain of events he'd just set in motion. His LA contact had followed his instructions and the assignment had been carried out without any complications. In fact, the procedure had been flawless, technically speaking. His plan to distance JD's brother, Jax, from Brenda had just been set in motion, and he hoped that separating them for even a short time would cool their ardor for one another so that JD didn't find out about them.

Not that Jax and Brenda had been together as of late. From what he had been able to gather, Brenda had cut things off with Jax several days before, although the look in her eyes when Andrew had spoken to her earlier in the day betrayed the fact that she still had very intense feelings for the man. But he also knew Brenda to be very determined once she decided something, and she had evidently decided - for one reason or another - that she no longer wanted any kind of a relationship with Jax.

But Andrew was also aware of Jax's reputation for persistence - his tenacity in business situations was legendary, which is why he was rarely bested in any deal that he entered into - especially when it was something that he wanted. And from the looks of the pictures that Jackson had supplied of the two of them together and from the flowers that filled Brenda's apartment today, Andrew had no doubt that Jax wanted Brenda - and he wanted her badly. As long as he was in the city, he was sure that Jax would pursue Brenda relentlessly. The man was persistent - it was a trait shared by both of the Jacks brothers.

Andrew's discreet inquiries into Jax's business here in New York had told him that the deal Jax had originally come to the city to close had been handled easily several days before. Normally, Andrew's contacts told him, any time Jax was forced to journey to the city to finalize a business deal, he was packed and out of New York before the ink on the deal could dry. It seemed Jax hated the grit and the grime and the tenseness that is the hallmark of New York, preferring instead the laid-back atmosphere of California, which is why he normally only stayed in the city as long as was absolutely necessary to handle business and then he was gone, like a shot. He rarely even took the time to visit his brother while in the city, preferring instead to keep his family ties with his brother open with the occasional phone call or fax, and those were few and far between. The fact that young Jacks was still hanging around the city after his "official" business had been handled indicated to Andrew that Brenda was most likely his reason for staying.

He sighed as he thought of the irony of this entire situation. Just what were the odds that a woman would be attracted so intensely to two brothers, while never realizing that they were even related? Of all the men in the world, Brenda Barrett had in recent years only allowed herself to become involved with two men, who, unknown to her, happened to be brothers.

He also wondered what it was about Brenda that had made both brothers fall so intensely for her? Obviously she was beautiful and talented and charming, but the world that the Jacks brothers inhabited was full of attractive, talented, charming women, and yet neither of them had ever come close to succumbing to any of those women. They could have each have had affairs with her, but, for some reason, a casual affair with her didn't seem enough for either brother. They each seemed to have this need to possess her from the moment that they met her. It was almost as if she'd cast some sort of a spell over them, rendering them incapable of functioning without her in their lives from the very moment that they each had laid eyes on her.

He knew that JD changed dramatically once he met Brenda. Before that fateful day four years before, JD had lived and breathed the Agency, happily accepting it and only it as his present and his future. But since that day, Brenda had become the center of his universe. Granted, JD had managed to keep his mind on work admirably since the Agency had flexed their muscles against Brenda, and he had become even more ruthless and focused in many ways, but Andrew knew that JD's heart was no longer in his work. How could it be when he had lost it so carelessly to Brenda all those years ago?

And now it appeared that his younger brother had followed suit, throwing caution - and business concerns - to the wind in his relentless pursuit of Brenda. Andrew's inquiries into Jax's business had indicated that Jax had postponed several important meetings here in New York over the past few days and had also put off several potential deals around the world, giving no explanation for his sudden apparent nonchalance toward business. But Andrew was certain that the events that he'd set in motion would send young Jacks quickly racing back to LA, if only for a short time. So a continent would now separate Jax and Brenda, for a few days at least, and Andrew could easily handle Brenda with Jax safely out of the picture.

Once he had Jax and Brenda safely apart, he had to make sure that JD did not try to contact her in any way. JD had been readily controlled for the past four years by the memory of what had been done to Brenda before and the threats of what more could still be done to her, but Andrew wasn't so sure that those things were sufficient enough any longer to control him. As far as he knew, JD hadn't as yet risked contacting her, but Andrew had the uneasy feeling that that could unexpectedly change at any time.

When he'd seen JD in his office the day before, there had been an unquenchable hunger in JD's eyes when JD had asked about Brenda and the scarcity of pictures and information on her recently. At first Andrew had tried to pass it off as jet lag and fatigue on JD's part - after all, he'd just returned from a grueling, three-week assignment on the other side of the world. Andrew knew from experience that it often took days - even weeks - to sufficiently recover from such treks, so perhaps it truly was just normal wear and tear on JD that Andrew was sensing.

But there was a nagging voice deep within Andrew that continued to gnaw at him that his instincts were right and JD was growing restless and was planning to renew contact with Brenda, possibly even try to run off with her. But Andrew would never allow that to happen. He'd never allow JD to throw away his life and his career and his commitment to the Agency so frivolously. He only hoped that JD wouldn't force his hand on this matter. Andrew truly liked Brenda Barrett, but the plans were already in place to remove Brenda Barrett completely - and permanently - from the picture if the need arose…

They walked in amiable silence for several minutes, when Jax finally broke the quiet. "Do you feel more comfortable now?" he asked, pulling her to the shelter of a closed storefront to allow people to pass around them on the sidewalk.

Brenda nodded shyly. "Yes… I'm really sorry about depriving you of your meal… I just… It just felt like the room was closing in around me - like I couldn't breathe…"

"Like everyone could hear what we were discussing?" Jax interjected.

"Am I that obvious?" she asked, as she avoided looking him in the eyes.

He put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face so that their eyes locked. "No," he replied softly, "I just know you better than you think I do - and I also know that I'd be uncomfortable discussing my life in a crowded restaurant within earshot of hundreds of possible eavesdroppers, who have no right to know the intimate details of my life."

She relaxed and smiled at him. "You really are something, do you know that?"

"I've been told that on more than one occasion - and generally it wasn't meant as a good thing," he laughed, his eyes twinkling.

"Well, I meant it that way… Despite how badly I've treated you - almost from the beginning - you've always been nothing but kind to me, but I really don't deserve your kindness…" she said softly, her voice trailing off, as she seemed to gaze off into the distance.

"You deserve far more than just my kindness. You deserve everything good that life has to offer, just as I do - and I think that together we can both get that," he smiled, turning her face back so that she was once again looking at him and not the horizon.

"You really are relentless!" she laughed softly, shaking her head.

"I told you from the very beginning that I'm persistent - and I always get what I want in the end…And what I really want is you…" he whispered, stroking the side of her face as he drew her closer for a kiss.

"Jax, please - be serious," she scolded, pushing out of his embrace.

"I am serious," he answered, reaching to pull her back into his arms. "I've never been more serious about anything - or anyone - in my life," he added, tipping her chin up so that their eyes were once again locked.

"I… You… you don't really know me… about my past… what I've been through … what I've done…" she stuttered, trying to pull her gaze away from his mesmerizing, blue eyes that seemed to whisper 'Surrender' to her heart.

"So tell me," Jax said quietly, refusing to allow her gaze to falter from his own. "Tell me about your past - what I'm up against - about this Jarrod Davis, who hurt you so badly that you're afraid to let yourself love again," he whispered, kissing her softly on the forehead.

"Not here…" she murmured, as she pulled away from his embrace once more. "There's a little park just about a block from here." She pointed across the street and to their left. "It's safe and it's private, so we won't be disturbed. The neighborhood kids play there during the day, but this time of night there's only the occasional jogger or someone walking their dog. I sometimes go there when I need to think or just get away."

Jax nodded and followed as she quickly led him to the secluded park that was her sanctuary in her times of stress. "This is beautiful," Jax smiled as he turned around in the deserted park, admiring the grounds.

It was a small park - not more than a couple of acres - but it was nicely landscaped and well-tended. There was a play area in the center of the park, with swings and a slide and a small jungle gym. The playground as the central focus of the park indicated that the park was built with families in mind. Surrounding the play area were benches that were comfortably nestled beneath the shelter of several, large oak and maple trees that lined the park. In the four corners of the park were small, triangular gardens, brimming with all sorts of colorful flowers and small plants. It was cozy and inviting - a small oasis amid the concrete neighborhood that surrounded it - and Jax immediately understood why Brenda felt so at peace here and would seek out this spot in order to clear her heart and her soul.

"Yes, it is," Brenda agreed, a sad smile gracing her face, as they stood in the play area. "I was at the lowest point in my life when I found this place, and it's been my sanctuary ever since... I come here whenever I need to figure out a problem… or escape the rat race… or get a glimpse of how life could have been…" she added softly and almost imperceptibly. She pushed a swing slightly and stood watching it sway back and forth, transfixed by its movement, as if she were watching an unseen child on its seat.

Jax watched the haunted look that fell over Brenda's face as she stood staring at the gentle back and forth movement of the swing. Suddenly his mind reeled back to the conversation that he and Ned had had earlier that day at the gallery, when he'd been pumping Ned for information on Brenda's background…

"When I first met her, she was working on a series about children at play," Ned had said. "She seemed obsessed with it, in fact - working on it for months - but then she never did anything with the pictures. I saw them, and they were wonderful - full of joy and life… I really thought she could make a name for herself… had she offered them to the public, but she said they were hers and hers alone - something she needed to do… I guess it was a form of therapy for her, or something…"

Ned's words echoed in his head: "Hers and hers alone… something she needed to do…a form of therapy…" He focused back on Brenda's face once again, and he could see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes as she stood swaying slightly in perfect rhythm with the moving swing, much like a mother would as she pushed her child on the swing. Her left hand lay on her lower abdomen, slowly caressing it as he'd seen many a pregnant woman caress the outline of her unborn child. His heart caught in his throat as the thought suddenly hit him that part of the connection that Brenda still felt for this man in her past could be a child. Had this man abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant - or had he even known about the baby? And what had happened to the baby -if there was one?

His mind was racing now. What had Peterman said about her being assaulted not long after she'd arrived in New York? He'd said that her hospital and police documents concerning the assault were irretrievable. Could someone be trying to hide the fact that she'd suffered a miscarriage as a result of the assault? But why would that information be buried?

He watched as she continued to be lost in her own world, swaying and unconsciously patting her abdomen, and he knew that she was remembering "him." He felt a torrent of anger tear through him at the pain that this Jarrod Davis could still inflict upon Brenda, even after all this time. Just who was this Jarrod Davis, and how had he been able to so completely alter Brenda's life in such a short time? He hoped that Brenda would answer that question for him now, but if she didn't, he'd have Jerry look into Davis for him tomorrow.

He slowly raised his hand and placed it gently on her shoulder, a move that immediately brought Brenda back into focus. "Ummm… I'm sorry about that…" she laughed self-consciously. "I guess I just sort of zoned out there for a moment… It's been an eventful night and all…" she said, wiping the tears from her eyes, embarrassed that she had allowed herself to once again wallow in 'what might have been.'

"Yes, it has been," Jax agreed. "Let's sit down so we can talk," he said, taking her hands in his to lead her to sit on one of the swings in front of them.

"No, not here!" Brenda shrieked, suddenly pulling away from Jax and startling him by the fierceness of her response. She saw the surprised look on his face and realized how crazy she must appear. "I…uh… I think I'd prefer to sit on one of the benches, if you don't mind," she covered, walking to the nearest bench and sitting down.

"No problem," Jax replied casually, not pressing the issue. But her reaction to the swing made him more certain than ever that a child was somewhere in her hidden past. He only hoped that she'd feel safe enough with him to confide everything to him. "I haven't been in a swing for a long time, so I probably would have ended up on my rear in the sand soon anyway," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood as he sat down next to her on the bench.

That brought a devilish smile to her face. "Hmmm… Maybe I should reconsider…After all, seeing the great Jasper Jacks humbled and on his behind beneath a swing could be very interesting," she laughed, as she settled back into his arms. "And helping you to dust off that cute, little behind of yours afterwards could be even more interesting!"

"You are so wicked, woman!" he laughed, chucking her beneath her chin, then pulling her to him so that his lips were just inches from hers. "But that is one of the many things I love about you," he said as kissed her deeply.

Brenda gasped at the hunger that was in his kiss and the words that he'd just said, which were almost identical to what JD used to say to her, whenever she would be suggestively naughty with him. "You are such a wicked woman - but that's why I love you!" he'd always say, and then he'd pull her into a tantalizing kiss, and they would invariably end up making love soon after that.

She began to panic as Jax's face suddenly morphed into JD's and then back again to Jax. She struggled to push away from him. "Stop it!" she screamed, more to the happenings in her mind than to what was actually happening with Jax. She fought out of his embrace and shot up off the bench, her face pale, her body shaking.

Brenda swallowed hard and took several deep breaths, trying to calm her racing heart. Why had she imagined JD just then? She had been kissing Jax, not JD. Jax was here; JD was gone - he'd left her years ago, and he was never returning. But it was so vivid…Oh, God - I really am crazy! she thought, as she tried to shake off the strange visions that had invaded her mind.

Jax was startled by her unexpected response to his kiss. He had evidently misjudged her teasing manner, and he felt embarrassed that he had been so presumptuous as to kiss her like that - so deeply and hungrily. "I'm sorry, Brenda, I never meant to force myself on you… But I thought from what you'd just said…" He wanted to reach out to hold her, but he was afraid that she would misunderstand his attempt to comfort her as sexual aggression toward her, so he just sat there, staring at her.

The sound of Jax's voice brought Brenda back to reality once again, and she realized that he had thought that she was frightened by his actions. Granted, she had been, but not for the reason that he assumed. She looked at him and saw the embarrassment and contrition on his face, and her heart sank for him. "Jax… No, it's not your fault," she said haltingly, trying to find a coherent way to explain the incoherent thing that had just occurred for her. "I was flirting with you and I wasn't offended that you kissed me, it's just that…" She shook her head in frustration, trying desperately to find the words to tell him without sounding as crazy as she felt.

"It's just what, Brenda?" he asked quietly, but he was already beginning to understand what had upset her so badly. It had to do with JD… What he had just done or said had vividly reminded her of JD.

"It's just… It's just…You'll think I'm crazy if I tell you," she said finally, burying her head in her hands as she sank back onto the bench.

Jax lightly touched her shoulder, and when she didn't shrink from his touch, he gently put his arms around her and pulled her close to him. "You can tell me anything, Brenda, don't you know that? I could never think you were crazy," he crooned, his voice soft and soothing.

Slowly she lowered her hands from her face and looked at him soulfully. "Maybe not, but I think I'm crazy," she admitted sheepishly.

"Why?" he asked quietly. When she hesitated to answer him, he answered for her, "I said something that reminded you of JD, and you thought for a moment that I was JD, didn't you?"

Brenda nodded slowly, her mouth agape, as she was shocked by his perception.

"It's understandable, really," Jax continued, his voice calm and nonjudgmental. "Tonight you've made a concentrated effort to dredge up all those long-buried memories of him and your time together. It's only natural that you might momentarily glimpse him in me."

Brenda straightened up, looking him squarely in the eyes as she answered him, "But it was more than that, Jax - Suddenly it was JD kissing me, not you - I saw him, Jax! It was so real…" Her voice trailed off as she closed her eyes, remembering the image of Jax and JD's faces interchanging.

"I imagine it seemed real, Brenda, but you know that it was really me kissing you, don't you?" Jax asked calmly.

"Of course," Brenda murmured, looking back at Jax once again.

"Then you know the difference between reality and illusion, so you're not crazy," Jax declared simply.

Brenda laughed in spite of herself at that. "Is that your expert opinion, Dr. Jacks?"

"That it is," Jax smiled, his clear blue eyes twinkling. " By the way, Dr. Jacks is far too formal for our relationship at this point, so you can call me Sigmund from now on."

"Right - Sigmund!" she laughed again. But then she sighed as she leaned back on the bench, "But I still could be crazy… You don't know everything, Jax… Earlier, by the swings, I was…" Her voice trailed off as her eyes drifted to the play area once again and remained frozen on the still swaying swing.

"Imagining your baby?" Jax asked softly.

Brenda's eyes grew wide as they shot back to Jax. "How did you know?" she asked, astonished by his revelation.

"I didn't - I guessed," he replied, and when Brenda continued to look puzzled, he explained further, his voice quiet and gentle: "I watched the way you stood after you pushed the swing. You seemed to be swaying in perfect time with the swing, like a mother might do as she's swinging her child. You also were unconsciously cupping your stomach - something I've seen expectant mothers do on occasion. And you had tears in your eyes, like you were picturing something that should have been, but never would be." He could see the tears returning to her eyes, and her lips beginning to tremble, so he tightened his grip around her, as he asked quietly, "What happened?"

"Oh, god, Jax - I killed it - I killed my baby!" she cried, her body tensing as she was suddenly wracked by uncontrollable sobbing.

He sat there quietly for several seconds, trying to digest what she had just said. Had she intentionally terminated the pregnancy or had she inadvertently done something that had resulted in the miscarriage, for which she had never forgiven herself?

"What do you mean: you killed your baby? Did you have an abortion?" Jax asked softly, trying to clarify what she was telling him.

"N…noooo…" she shook her head as she continued to sob. "I… uh… I was careless and I killed my baby…JD's baby…"

So she blames herself for the miscarriage; that's a lot of misplaced guilt to be carrying around, he thought, as he held her a little closer and began rocking her in his arms. "Shhh…" he soothed, kissing the top of her head as he continued to rock her gently in his arms, "Let it all out... It'll be okay…"

"Don't you understand, Jax? It will never be okay!" she screamed, jerking away from the comfort of his arms. "I killed my own baby! I lost JD and then I lost his baby - both through my own foolishness! If I hadn't tried to find him…if I'd stayed in Europe, I would have been safe - the baby would have been safe and alive today…"

She was shaking with grief and rage now, and despite the urge he had to try to talk her out of her self-hatred, Jax remained quiet, simply allowing her to give in to the catharsis of her tears, until she finally collapsed against him in exhaustion. There would be time for calm reflection later; for now she just needed to let go of the pain and the anger.

They sat alone in the park like that for nearly thirty minutes: Brenda hiccuping wildly, her body slowly recovering from the force of her sobs; Jax rubbing her back gently, carefully pondering the events of the last several days.

It had been less than a week since he had met Brenda, and in those few days she had somehow managed to position herself as the center of his universe - and turned his life upside down in the process. And the craziest aspect of all of this was the fact that he had willingly surrendered his well-ordered, carefully managed life in exchange for this tumultuous chaos of turbulent emotions that had surrounded him since the first moment that she had entered his life.

He had spent a lifetime in control and in pursuit of the next big deal. The need to control and to conquer had always driven him until now. Almost from the moment that he'd been able to read and understand the stock quotes in the local paper, he'd been hooked on the idea of wheeling and dealing. As a kid, Monopoly had been his favorite game, and as he had grown, that had not changed. It's just that now the playing pieces weren't mere palm-sized, plastic toys, whose position was dependent upon the serendipitous throw of a pair of dice; they were larger-than-life conglomerates, populated with real people, whose positions in life were dependent upon his whims at the time of acquisition. And he was always the one in control. But not this time…

Before this very moment, he had never realized how utterly helpless all those people whose lives he held daily in the palms of his hands must feel as he maneuvered and strategized, trying to decide what to do next: keep the company status quo; sell it as a whole; or divest it and sell off its components. But now he could easily empathize with all of those whose futures he determined with a figurative throw of the dice, because he now found himself in much the same situation. He felt utterly powerless against this formidable force that held his heart and his future so firmly in its grip - this overpowering love that he felt for Brenda - and he knew that the dice that controlled whether that love and his future happiness would flourish or perish were firmly in her hands now. He just hoped that those dice weren't unfairly loaded against him by the unmistakable tie that she still felt for Jarrod Davis, the man to whom she seemed forever bound - possibly by love, but definitely by guilt and pain.

He glanced down at her, as she lay crumpled in his arms, her tiny body struggling to return to normal after the emotionally and physically draining ordeal she had just experienced, and his heart was once again flooded with the intense love that he felt for her. But the growing fear that Brenda might never be able to free herself from the powerful grip that Jarrod Davis still held on her heart and soul was also creeping into his own heart, gaining a foothold in his soul, and self-doubt and jealousy were taking root somewhere deep within him as well - both of which were new experiences for him.

Suddenly he wanted to eradicate all traces of this Jarrod Davis from her heart and soul. Jax loved her completely, and he wanted more than anything for her to love him as deeply in return. But was that even possible? Despite his earlier bravado with Brenda, pointing out that she already did love him even if she couldn't admit it to herself, he was finding himself comparing her feelings for him to hers for Davis. What if she really only felt a deep and abiding friendship for him? What if she could never again love as she had - and possibly still - loved this JD?

But didn't the fact that she had felt close enough to him to share all of this with him mean that she felt something more than mere friendship for him? Ned and Lois Ashton were Brenda's best friends, yet he was certain that neither of them knew anything about JD, and certainly nothing about the baby. Earlier today at the gallery, Ned had said that he suspected that there had been an important man in Brenda's past, which is why she had come to New York in the first place, but she had never openly shared that information with him or his wife. But she had shared it with him - that and so much more…

No, this emotional breakthrough with Brenda was deeply significant, he decided. It implied intimacy, and the fact that she was willing to open herself emotionally to him was far more important than her willingness to share herself physically with him. His earlier assertion was right - she did love him. Now she just needed to lay Jarrod Davis - and the memory of what they had both shared and lost - to rest once and for all, so that she could allow herself to once again love completely and without reservation - and most of all, without fear.

He felt her breathing gradually return to normal, and when she finally stirred in his arms, he brushed her hair away from her face and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Hey… How are you feeling?" he asked, smiling tenderly at her.

"Embarrassed," she answered, fumbling in her purse for a tissue.

"Here, use this," Jax offered, as he pulled a neatly folded, linen handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her.

"Thanks," she said shyly, dabbing at her eyes and then blowing her nose. "I didn't think men still carried handkerchiefs."

"A habit instilled in me at an early age by my mother - always carry a freshly laundered handkerchief - and always wear clean undies," Jax answered lightly, hoping to elicit a small smile from her.

It worked.

"Your mother's a wise woman," she smiled, despite herself. She swiped at the smeared mascara around her eyes and then ran a hand self-consciously through her hair. "I must look like a real sight right about now," she said, keeping her face down, so that Jax couldn't fully see her.

He gently lifted her chin and smiled. "You look beautiful," he answered truthfully. Granted, her cheeks were tear-streaked and her eyes were red and puffy, but she was still far and away the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. And the fact that she had just allowed him to see deep within her soul made her even more beautiful in his eyes.

"Liar…" She smiled wanly, then turned away from him and sighed, "I'm sorry about tonight - Of all the ways that I imagined this evening ending up, this was definitely not one of them."

He chuckled softly, then took her hands in his and raised them to his lips, tenderly kissing one, then the other. "This is exactly the way I wanted the evening to go," was his unexpected reply.

That drew an incredulous look from Brenda. "You mean that you wanted to see me humiliate myself by having a complete meltdown in the middle of a public park?"

"No, but I wanted you to open yourself to me fully - to share those parts of yourself that you guarded so fiercely and that made you afraid to love again," he answered softly, leaning forward and kissing her gently on the lips. "And you did - and now I understand why you were afraid and I can help you heal."

"I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to heal, Jax… I'm responsible for my own baby's death - How am I ever supposed to heal that?" she asked sadly, dropping her head into her hands.

"How did it happen?" Jax asked quietly, slipping his arm around her slumped shoulders and once again pulling her to him.

She sighed softly as she slowly raised her head to look at him. "It's a long story that starts on the Cote D'Azure of Monaco and ends on the mean streets of New York City…" she said wearily.

"Tell me, please," he softly implored. "I want to know everything."

She took a deep breath and leaned back into his embrace. "JD moved in with me the day after we met, and he made me believe we'd be together a lifetime. Little did I know that our lifetime of togetherness would barely last six weeks.

"But really, as I looked back on that time, I think JD knew all along that our time together would be limited… Even that first day he told me that he wanted to spend whatever time we had together just loving me… I guess I was just too naïve or too in love to understand the true meaning of his words," she said ruefully, as she looked off into the distance, once again seeing everything between her and JD unfolding in her mind's eye.

"Not that I didn't feel loved - because I did. In fact, I felt treasured… I think he would have given me anything that I asked for, had I ever wanted anything more than him… I used to have this fascination with castles, and he would always tease me about it… He called me his 'beautiful princess,' and he promised one day to build a castle for us to live in forever and that he would slay all of the dragons that came our way… He never got around to doing either…" Her voice crackled slightly, as she tried to force back the tears, but then she brightened as she went on, "But he did get me this wonderful book on the great castles of Europe… It's one of the few things from him that I've kept," she added quietly.

"Top shelf, thirteenth book from the left…" Jax muttered, unaware that he'd said it aloud.

Brenda looked at him strangely. "I'm sorry… Did you say something?"

"No," he covered quickly. "Please go on." He didn't want to break the flow of her story, now that she was finally willing to fill in all the details.

She nodded and then continued, "We had so much fun together - We traveled all over Europe, taking pictures, making love… He taught me so much about life and love… He was so sensual. He gave me a new appreciation for life itself… the sound of the surf as it kisses the beach… the smell of a meadow right after a late spring rain… the taste and feel of a lover who was meant for you and you alone…" She looked quickly at Jax, "I'm sorry… I… I didn't mean…"

"It's okay - really," he assured her. "In fact, I should thank the man for being such an able teacher and you for being such an apt pupil when it comes to the pleasures of the flesh," he said, smiling suggestively and then kissing her quickly on the lips. Even in the dim haze of the streetlights, Jax could see the slight blush that kissed Brenda's cheeks at his statement, and he marveled at how her already incomparable beauty was further enhanced by the rose tinge beneath her skin.

"Well, it's doubtful that you'll ever meet JD in order to convey your appreciation of his lovemaking techniques," she snickered scornfully. "He seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth long ago…"

She took a deep breath and then continued, "The day after JD disappeared, I went to the local police to report him missing. I was frantic by then. He'd been gone for over twenty-four hours without a word, when we hadn't been apart for more than a couple of hours since we'd met. So I knew that something terrible had to have happened to him. He loved me - he told me that over and over, and I truly believed him. He would never leave me willingly… The very last thing we did together was make love, and the very last thing he said to me was that he loved me more than life itself and nothing would ever change that, and then he added that he would die loving me…" Her voice trailed off as she closed her eyes and swallowed hard at that memory. "The funny thing is, I believed him. Even after all the evidence to the contrary began to pile up, a part of me still believed in him and in our love… still believed in the possibility of us…"

"What did you find out from the local police?" Jax prompted quietly.

"They treated me like an hysterical female - especially after they checked the computer records of those entering and leaving Monaco over the time period that JD was there with me and they found no record of a Jarrod Davis, despite the fact that he and I had done a lot of traveling together throughout Europe. In fact, according to the Principality of Monaco and the various other countries in Europe that we visited together - not to mention our own State Department - Jarrod Davis, nor anyone fitting his description, did not exist, nor had he ever existed."

"What did you say?" Jax asked, not sure that he'd heard her correctly, but if he had, it fit in perfectly with a theory he had about the whole situation.

"They all told me I was crazy - and for awhile I thought I was crazy," she continued, seemingly unaware that Jax had said anything. "I insisted that someone from the station return with me to the flat so that I could prove that JD was real and not just a figment of my imagination, but by the time we got back to my place, there was no trace of him left there. All of his things that had been there when I left the flat hours before were suddenly missing. Even my pictures I had taken of JD or of the two of us together were gone. They couldn't even find his fingerprints…

"I tried to get them to talk to my landlord, Georges Beauchamps, but he and his wife had been mysteriously called away on an emergency, and a nephew, who I'd never seen before and could never recall either of them ever even mentioning in all the time I'd known them, was suddenly in charge. And, of course, he didn't even know me, let alone JD," she explained, the frustration she had felt at that time still evident in her voice as she related all of this to Jax.

"My pictures of JD and my other things from him finally turned up a week or so after the incident with the police. The so-called 'nephew' said he had found them with the garbage - Pretty suspicious, huh? I suppose that I should have trotted back down to the station, armed with those things, to prove that I wasn't crazy, but by then I was so tired and feeling incredibly ill. Besides, a part of me wondered if JD hadn't used his considerable wealth to somehow pay off people to say that he'd never existed and hired this so-called nephew of the landlord to hide any evidence that he had existed - that we'd existed - until he could safely escape me to get back to his old life.

"All sorts of things were going through my head by then. I had always wondered about his family, but JD never wanted to talk about his past. He said he was only interested in what he and I had today and the possibilities that tomorrow held for us. After he left, I wondered if he'd avoided talking about his past because he was a very married man with a houseful of kids - and I had been nothing more than a summer fling for him…

"Anyway… by then there seemed to be nothing left for me in Monaco - or anywhere in Europe, for that matter - so I decided to come back to the States. One thing that JD had let slip about himself was that he lived in New York City, and we had always talked of having a place here in the Village, where we could live and I could have my own studio…and I guess I naïvely thought that I could somehow find him here if I just looked hard enough." She looked up at Jax and smiled sheepishly as she added, "Hope springs eternal, as they say…

"Of course, I didn't find him... But I did find my dream loft in the Village just two weeks after coming here - and then a week after that I found out I was pregnant… So here I was, alone in a city of millions, eight weeks pregnant, with only my camera for support, and only one friend…"

"Avery Buehler, right?" Jax interjected.

"Right," Brenda nodded, surprised that Jax remembered. "Mr. Buehler proved to be my guardian angel in so many ways that summer," she said, her voice full of reverence for the man whom she had grown to love and respect. "Through some incredible stroke of luck, we met and he changed my life forever. He rented me his home, he helped me to set up my studio and to find my first paying clients, he helped me to find a doctor when I discovered I was pregnant - and then he saved my life the night of the miscarriage…"

Jax looked at her sharply. "How?" For some reason that he couldn't quite pinpoint, Jax didn't buy this Avery-Buehler-as-saint-scenario. It seemed all too convenient to be coincidence, but he wasn't about to let Brenda know about his doubts about Buehler and his so-called benevolence - at least not yet.

Brenda pulled out of Jax's arms and rose, folding her arms protectively across her chest, as she began to slowly pace back and forth in front of the bench. "It was just a couple of months after I came here - early September of '95 - and I was already beginning to get steady work freelancing, thanks to Mr. Buehler and his networking for me… It was a Thursday afternoon and I had an appointment to do a location shoot, freelancing for a local magazine. It was nothing major, but I was still so excited because it was my first opportunity to have my work actually published and seen by more than just a handful of people.

"The location shoot was in Harlem. The point of the spread was to contrast the old and the new Harlem - the crumbling tenements against some of the renewal that was beginning there. I had made arrangements to meet with someone from the magazine at two that afternoon. We'd agreed to start in the less savory neighborhoods and then move on to snap the pictures of the neighborhoods that were in the midst of rebuilding.

"This was my first big shoot, and I was eager to impress these people, so I decided to go to the area earlier than the scheduled time to scout the area on my own. I wanted to look polished and experienced when the man from the magazine arrived," she laughed ruefully, remembering how foolish her actions had turned out to be.

"Turns out that I didn't need to show up early because the man from the magazine never arrived at all. I found out later that his cab had been involved in an accident on the way to the shoot. I guess he tried to call me from the scene, but my cell phone was dead. It seems I'd forgotten to check the battery that day… But he did leave a message on my answering machine at home, which turned out to be a lifesaver for me…"

She took another deep breath and began pacing a little faster. "When the man from the magazine hadn't shown up at the location by 2:30, I tried to call, but that's when I discovered my dead phone. I suppose that, in retrospect, I should have either looked for a pay phone or just left right then and there, but, as I said, I was eager to impress these people, so I decided to press on alone. I shot several rolls of film there, and decided to walk the few blocks to the address I had for the urban renewal shots. By then it was late afternoon and the streets were bustling with activity, so I wasn't worried in the least about my safety. But I realize now that my safety - and the safety of my baby - should have been my top priority..."

She shuddered involuntarily, and, realizing that the night air was not the cause of her shivering, Jax rose to face her. "Brenda, you don't have to go on if you don't want to - if it's too painful…" he said quietly, his voice full of love and tenderness.

She gazed into his eyes for several seconds and then shook her head. "No, I need to talk about this… I've needed to talk about it for a long time, but I've never felt safe before…" She continued to gaze into his eyes and her voice softened as she added, "I feel safe now - with you."

Jax's heart leapt at her admission, and he smiled tenderly at her. She trusted him. She may not have said 'I love you' in just those words, but the intent was there, just the same. "I'm glad," was all he said, as he sat back down to allow her the freedom to continue pacing as she continued her story.

Brenda inhaled shakily and then quickened her pace once again as she continued, "I was just about a block from the address of the site of the second location, when I came across an area that was under construction. I knew that the second site was a finished site - the 'after' pictures to balance out the 'before' shots I had taken at the first location - but I thought that this 'in-between' stage might add texture to the piece, so I decided to shoot a roll of film there, too, for good measure."

She stopped her pacing and stood completely still as she took another shaky breath. "It was broad daylight and a very busy area, with people bustling everywhere, both at the construction site and all around it. I figured I would be safe there - but I was wrong. I let my guard down - I was so busy taking pictures and imagining the kind of praise and notice I was going to get for those great shots that I wasn't paying attention to things around me. I was so absorbed in my own little world as seen through the lens of my camera that I didn't even realize when I had wandered to the back of the construction area… That's when he grabbed me from behind…"

Brenda's entire body began to shake now, so Jax jumped up and pulled her into his arms. "I have you - you're safe now…" he soothed, rubbing her back with a gentle, circular motion as she buried her head in his shoulder. He was afraid to ask what had happened next. He knew that she had lost the baby, but had she also been violated in the process? He prayed not. An assault that resulted in a miscarriage was bad enough, but rape on top of that would be unthinkable.

"He dragged me behind a storage shack, and… and I knew he had every intention of raping me. I could see it in his eyes - they were cold and dark and so full of rage at me… at the world… I screamed, but no one could hear me over the sound of the heavy equipment at the site…" Brenda said haltingly, her voice muffled, as her head was still buried in his shoulder. "I knew that if I was going to escape this alive and protect my baby, I'd have to struggle with all I had in me… So that's what I did… I fought him, Jax - I fought him so hard - I kicked him and clawed him, and I even bit him, but he was stronger than me, and he kept hitting me harder and harder with each blow that I'd land on him…"

She took another deep breath and turned her face away from his shoulder, but she remained safely nestled in the shelter of his arms as she continued, her voice shaky, her eyes filling with tears, "And then he hit me just below my stomach - right on the baby - and the pain was so intense, I just wanted to die… Almost immediately I could feel the warm rush of blood down my legs, and everything began to blur for me then… I remember seeing him jump off me almost as soon as I felt the blood… I don't know, maybe the sight of all that blood scared him away… That's all that I remember until I woke up in a surgical recovery room several hours later with IV's in both arms…

"They told me that I'd lost a lot of blood when I'd lost the baby, but they'd been able to control the bleeding with a simple D&C. They said that I'd been spared a hysterectomy, and I'd still be able to have children... They kept telling me how lucky I was to still be alive… to be able to have another child one day… but I didn't feel very lucky… I'd lost the two most important things in my life: JD and his child, and I didn't want to go on without them…" She sighed as she closed her eyes, once again picturing that time as clearly as if it were just yesterday.

"I'm so sorry, Brenda," Jax whispered, brushing his lips gently against the top of her head. There was silence between them for several seconds and then he asked softly, "What made you change your mind - to want to go on?"

"Avery Buehler," Brenda answered. "It seems that I owed my life to him, and he wasn't about to let me willingly throw it away after that… He'd gone to my apartment looking for me when I hadn't shown up for an early supper date with him. He'd heard the message on the machine from the magazine and he knew the addresses of the location shoots, so he came looking for me. He was the one who found me behind the construction site. He told me that some force had guided him where to find me so that he could save me, and he wasn't going to let me give up after all that.

"He was so kind to me, almost like a father - more of a father than my own ever was when he was still alive… He gave me a good, swift kick in the pants and he made me realize that I could go on. It wouldn't be easy, but it was possible - and it was. It didn't happen overnight, but over time, I was able to actually put JD in the far recesses of my mind. It wasn't until I met you that all of his memories came flooding back…"

"Why now?" Jax asked, lifting her chin to look into her eyes. "Is it because I'm the first man since JD that you've allowed to get close to you?" Jax saw the surprise in her eyes, so he answered her unspoken question. "Ned told me that you hadn't allowed any man to into your life like that since he'd known you… Of course, when he was telling me this, he had no idea how close you and I already were," he added, his eyes twinkling.

"So I have good, old Ned to thank for spreading gossip about me," she reflected quietly, her eyes searching his. Then she added thoughtfully, a trace of a smile touching her lips and lighting her eyes, "But I guess I have Ned to thank for a whole lot more than that, don't I?" and Jax immediately knew she was referring to Ned's role in getting them back together tonight.

She raised her right hand to his face and softly traced her index finger along his jawline, as he reveled in the silkiness of her touch. "You're so like him - that's what initially triggered the memories when you and I first met… Your build… the way you carry yourself… your smile - They are all so much like JD... And your profile… Why hadn't I noticed how similar your profiles are before this?" she reflected, as she continued to trace the outline of his jaw with her finger. Just then, the image of JD's face appeared once again in place of Jax's. She blinked once, twice, and then, wide-eyed, she quickly backed away from Jax, momentarily frightened by the returning visions.

"What's the matter?" Jax asked, startled by the abrupt way she had withdrawn from his arms.

"I…uh…for a moment there…" she stuttered.

"JD again?" Jax guessed. She nodded. "Understandable," he smiled gently. "After all, you were just discussing our similarities… But I can assure you that we are not truly alike. I will never leave you like he left you. I'm here for the long run, if you'll let me… And I can assure you that I don't have an evil twin running around out there somewhere - although I do have a devilish, older brother with whom I share a trait or two - but my traits are far superior to his," he added facetiously.

Brenda was oblivious to his teasing tone. "JD wasn't evil, Jax… Despite all the pain I've felt since he left me - despite the way it looks - I don't think he ever meant to hurt me on purpose… I only knew him six weeks, but I did know him, Jax - I knew his heart… He loved me - for a long time I doubted that - even a few days ago I doubted that - but tonight, talking about it with you gave me a different perspective on it… I can't explain it, but it's like I've finally come to understand that he did love me as deeply as he always said he did… I don't think he wanted to leave me, Jax, but, I think he had to - whatever his reasons were… Does that make sense, or am I really crazy?" She looked up at him; her dark eyes luminous with unshed tears.

Jax's heart was back in his throat. She still loves him, he thought; despite all the pain and all this time, a part of her still loves JD as intensely as she did in the beginning… He felt that now familiar twinge of jealousy shoot through him once again, as he warred with himself as to how to answer her. A part of him wanted to shout at her that it was crazy to continue to love a man who had deserted her so callously years before, leaving her to deal with a tidal wave of pain and guilt in his wake.

But another part of him knew that JD had truly loved her - How could he not? What flesh-and-blood man could resist falling in love with this woman after as little as a smile from her, let alone experiencing her love? And no man could willingly walk away from her either - at least not a sane man. And from Brenda's description Jarrod Davis was not a crazy man - unless one counted being crazy in love with her, and Jax had no doubt that JD was that.

And, after hearing the story from Brenda about no records of any Jarrod Davis anywhere, along with what Tom Peterman wasn't able to uncover when looking into Brenda's background, Jax was more certain than ever that Jarrod Davis - or whatever the hell his name really was - did not leave Brenda of his own free will. He also had the sneaking suspicion that Avery Buehler, who, according to Peterman's report, also didn't officially exist, was definitely linked to Davis' disappearance, if not to Davis himself. This Buehler had played far too significant a role in Brenda's life, almost from the moment she'd come to New York, for it to be mere coincidence. What Brenda viewed as serendipity, Jax suspected were carefully planned strategies. But that's all they were for the moment - suspicions. Suspicions that he hoped to have either confirmed or denied very soon, once Jerry and his far-reaching network of worldwide contacts had looked into all of this for him.

His mind was once again brought back to his original dilemma: how to answer Brenda's question? If he agreed with her - and he was inclined to agree with her - would she reject his love in order to stay true to the love that she and JD shared? But, by the same token, disagreeing with her assertions wouldn't necessarily mean she'd let go of JD either, and she might even resent him for trying to deny that any man had loved her before him. Finally, he decided that the only answer was to tell the truth, which he did…

"It makes perfect sense, Brenda… After all, no man could willingly walk away from you, knowing he would never again be able to lose himself in the depth of your beautiful eyes… never again taste the nectar of your sweet lips…never again see heaven in the shelter of your loving arms…"

Brenda was momentarily taken aback by Jax's words, as she stared into the translucent blue of his eyes, marveling at this man who stood holding her so tenderly, supporting her so steadfastly, loving her so freely. Just a few moments ago, he had led her safely through the valley of the shadow of her own emotional death, and he had helped her come out on the other side of that abyss a far stronger person. He had known what she needed in order to be able to live again - what she had needed for so long - to face the past head on, without guilt and pain, but with courage, and most of all, with love. He also knew that she still loved JD and that a part of her would probably always love him, but he loved her enough to accept that, and she was in awe of his emotional strength.

Suddenly, despite the slight chill of the night air that surrounded them, she felt a comfortable warmth curl around her, wrapping her in the folds of its security and bliss. It was far more than the sexual tension between them, and they both knew that now, although the very air around them sparked with the electricity that flowed between them. It had gone far beyond the physical for them long ago; Jax had known that almost from the beginning; she, however, had been far slower to recognize that truth. It had taken her until this very moment to see what he had known all along: she loved him - she really and truly loved him… And that thought of that no longer scared her.

Slowly, tenderly, she ran her hands up his chest to frame his face and pull it gently toward her so that their faces were lightly touching, forehead to forehead, nose to nose. "I love you, Jax…" she whispered softly, as she brushed her lips against his in the most innocent of sweet kisses, that spoke delicately of the promise of what was yet to come.

"I know…" he whispered back, a blissful smile lighting his face, his heart threatening to burst with joy at her simple declaration. He tightened his embrace around her and looked deeply into her dark and shining eyes - eyes that reflected back the undeniable love that he had always known was there and that she had finally come to admit. Suddenly he felt no jealousy for this Jarrod Davis, who had come before him in loving and being loved by Brenda; but, rather, he felt only sorrow for him now; because Jarrod Davis would never again know the sheer joy of feeling love with this woman. From this moment forward, that pleasure was his and his alone.