Brenda Barrett climbed the steps to her bedroom, the weight of the world on her shoulders. As she passed Isabella and Joshua's room, she placed a delicate hand on the door and said a silent prayer for their happiness. How had her life come to this? Where was Jax when she needed him? She couldn't continue to do this alone, she was going to need someone, and soon. She just hoped when her time ran out, she'd find the right person to lean on.

     Brenda opened the door to her bedroom and plopped down on the bed. She kicked off her shoes and leaned back against the pillows, letting her head sink down in the expanse. Her eyes fluttered close, and before she knew it, she was dreaming of happier, simpler times.

     They were back in the penthouse, and it was just the two of them. Jax had her wrapped in his arms, and he was moving his hands intoxicatingly up and down her back while trailing kisses down the side of her neck. She purred, leaning even closer to him, closing her eyes and drinking the smell of him in. His heart was racing against hers. Brenda reached up and played with the hair at the base of his neck. She knew her fingernails tickled him ever so slightly as she traced lazy patterns on his body.

     "I missed you so," he said, dancing her around the room.

     "So did I," she said into his collar. What they were doing really couldn't be described as dancing by any textbook definition. Brenda was so light that Jax just held her in his arms, vertically, and danced her around the room, her feet just inches from the floor. Just when he was imagining that they couldn't get any closer, she pulled herself into another tight hug, and sighed to herself. "You were gone too long," she moaned, as she blew air behind his left ear, her favorite spot. It drove him crazy, and she knew it, smiling to herself. His hands stopped their dangerous assault on her body and he placed her flat on her feet, and pulled back a little bit from her. She instantly missed the feel of his arms around her and pouted a little. Jax chuckled to himself, a deep, throaty laugh that she heard, even in her dreams, and it comforted her. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips, and then took her face in his hands.

     "You do know," he said quietly, "that every second I spent away from you was sheer agony." She nodded, but looked down, conveying to him in their own unspoken language, that she was not as sure as she seemed. He lifted her chin gently and gazed into her eyes. "Agony," he said again, the tears just springing to his eyes. What was it about this woman that made her irresistible? What was it about this man that made him so addictive? All she ever wanted was to be in his bed with him, in his arms. To say they were in 'love' wouldn't do them justice. Quite simply, they were each other. All the other ever needed. Listening to his words, Brenda cocked her head to the side and wiped away a small tear that found its way down Jax's face.

     "Oh, baby," she whispered, "don't do that. I know you missed me."

     "Ached for you is more like it," Jax admitted.

     "Why didn't you call, then?" she asked, knowing full well why. It hadn't stopped her, however, from wanting to hear his voice 100 times a day.

     "I just thought it better for both of us to take a breather," he said. "And this trip was the perfect opportunity to do that."

     "I don't know if I'd use the word 'perfect'," Brenda said. "I hated being away from you. But it did give me some time to think--- about where we are now, and where we've been, and how long it took us to get there."

     Jax nodded, taking in all of what she was saying. Maybe he'd misinterpreted her reaction to seeing him just now. It was always natural for her to react that way to seeing him when he'd been gone for days. Even when they were casual friends, she'd always jump into his arms and declare her life unbearable without him in it. It always made him smile.

     "What did you find out?" Jax asked.

     "Well," Brenda said, stepping away from him but pulling him down on the couch next to her, "I've really been trying to be honest with myself and with you, and I think that while I've been okay at that, there have been times when I could have done a whole lot better. And this is one of those times."

     "I don't understand," Jax said. He had his hand on Brenda's knee, and she kept one hand at the base of his neck. They were always absently touching and caressing each other, assuring the other that they weren't leaving. She stared at his forehead instead of those eyes which she knew would pull her in if she let them.

     "I just mean," Brenda admitted, "that I could sit here and say I'm glad to see you, and that I missed you. But that wouldn't be the truth." Jax felt his heart lurch at her words. What was she saying? Had he been right when he entertained for a split second that she didn't love him as much as he loved her? His face, however, didn't betray his heart. He remained the picture of cool, calm and collected. He loosened the tie on his shirt and took a deep breath, staring into the fireplace instead of looking at her enchanting eyes.

"Love wandered inside,
stronger than you, stronger than I.
And now that it has begun,
we cannot turn back, we can only
turn into one."

     He didn't want to interrupt her, but he wished to the heavens that she'd either break his heart and get it over with, or profess her undying love. Little did he know, he would receive the latter. Brenda looked at Jax, unsure of what she should say. Why did he look so stricken? What was he afraid of? Didn't he love her? Maybe this wasn't a good time to be bringing this up, but she couldn't hide behind her feelings anymore.

     "I am not content with our relationship as it stands," she said, choosing her words carefully.

     "Really?" Jax said, the shock apparent on his voice. Here it came. He waited, his heart bracing itself.

     "And, I have a few suggestions on how we can change it."

     "I'm listening," he said. She nodded her head, somehow reassured. She took a deep breath, and went on.

     "I love you," Jax, she said desperately. "I love you so much my heart can't stand it sometimes. I always want to be with you. I hate it when we're not together, and I hate it when I have to sleep without you, when I can't be near you. I know that one thing or another has kept us apart in the past, but Jax, I don't think I can go another night not telling you that I am head over heels in love with you."

"I won't ever be too far away to feel you,
And I won't hesitate at all,
whenever you call.
And I'll always remember the part of you,
so tender.
I'll be the one to catch your fall,
whenever you call.
And I am truly inspired,
finding my soul there in your eyes.
And you have opened my heart,
and lifted me inside,
by showing me yourself undisguised."

     Brenda's hands were folded in her lap now, and she was looking at Jax as if she'd just confessed to totaling the car and she hoped he wouldn't be too angry with her. It dawned on him then, she was expecting rejection. He knew she thought she'd been pushing too hard. Jax hadn't meant to listen, but he heard her on the phone the other day with Lois, saying that she thought Jax thought she was demanding too much of his time. Jax had wanted to shake some sense into her right then and there and tell her that he wanted her by his side always, but he let her keep her privacy, and her pride. Looking at her just now, like an expectant child, he had to laugh.

     His blue eyes danced merrily as he gazed at her beautiful face. She smiled weakly, uncertain of where he was going with this. "Jax, what's so funny? I mean, are you- - you laughing at me?" Before she could say another word, he grabbed her face, and pulled her into a sizzling kiss. His tongue sought hers with an urgency neither of them were surprised to feel. She pressed herself against him and moaned as he ran his hands up the sides of her body, grazing her breast with his thumb. They both knew it was getting out of control way too fast, so Jax pulled back a little bit, giving Brenda several small kisses.

     "Brenda," he said breathlessly, "sweetheart, I thought I'd never hear you say that." A small smile played on Brenda's lips. She also waited to speak because she couldn't trust her voice to be there.

     "So, uh, does that mean you feel the same way about me? Do you love me, Jax?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. If she didn't know it before, she realized right then that it'd kill her to hear him say no.

     "I love you Brenda, more each day. I don't see that ever changing."

"And I won't ever be too far away to feel you.
And I won't hesitate at all,
whenever you call.
And I'll always remember that part of you,
so tender.
I'll be the one to catch your fall, whenever you call.
And I will pray for you each day,
Comfort you all the pain,
Gently kiss your fears away."

     Brenda hardly knew from then on where she ended and Jax began. They'd been married shortly after, his parents and brother, her sister and the rest of their friends and extended family around them, blessing their union. They were never happier, until Sonny Corinthos returned to town. Just as Brenda began feeling that same dread, she felt herself being awakened from her dream.

You can turn to me and cry,
Always understand that I,
Give you all I have inside.
And I won't ever be too faraway to feel you,
And I won't hesitate at all, whenever you call.
I won't ever be too far to feel you,
and I won't hesitate at all, whenever you call.
I'll always remember that part of you so tender,
and be the one to catch your fall,
whenever you call.
Oh yes, whenever you call.
Whenever you call."

     "Brenda," a voice said. "Wake up, luv. If I'd known you were this tired, I'd have taken them tonight. Brenda?" Jax shook her shoulders lightly. She opened her eyes to his voice, involuntarily smiling like a lovesick schoolgirl. It was a look she wore often, and it was a look he knew all too well. She sat up on the bed, and he stood to full height in front of her. He always towered over her, but this time it really made her aware of his actual strength. The man was huge in comparison to her. It had dawned on her more than once that if was the kind of man Sonny was, and if he had a mind to, he could have killed her in one blow. But Jax would never have thought of doing something like that. Though she knew she had broken his heart enough times to know that there were times when he hated the sight of her.

     "What are you doing here?" she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She didn't mean, 'What are you doing in my house?' she meant, 'What are you doing in my bedroom?' Since their divorce, Jax hadn't exactly made it easier on either of them. He moved into a house right across the street and kept his key to Brenda's. He walked in at all hours of the day and night, yet Brenda distanced herself from his personal life. She knew he dated and she really didn't feel like walking in on anything some unsuspecting morning. Brenda never really minded his presence, though. She felt empty without it. He was supposed to be in the house, she always thought. She didn't feel quite as safe without him there.

     "Well I came to see the children," he answered, "but I saw your door was closed and I was worried about you. You never close your door unless you're tired or sick or something." Brenda nodded, loving and hating his concern all at the same time.

     "Well, as you can see, I'm just fine." Brenda stood, but then had to sit back down again, wobbly on her feet.

     "Fine huh?" Jax said, getting her a cup of water from the bathroom. "You never were good at taking care of yourself," he said, handing her the cup and kneeling in front of her.

     "That's what I had you for," she said without meaning to. She looked up at him wideyed, but her remark hadn't registered with him. He lightly chuckled.

     "You love having someone wait on you hand and foot, don't you?" his question went without an answer as he stood up and began searching through her underwear drawers. They had the strangest divorced relationship, she thought to herself. "Did you take your medicine today, luv?" he asked, still poking through the contents of the drawer.

     "Yeah I did," Brenda said, not sounding sure.

     "Ahahaha!" Jax exclaimed, pulling the bottles from the drawers. "I don't think so," he said coming over to her. He quickly counted the bottles and then shook his head slightly. "You haven't had your evening round, Brenda. You've got to take care of yourself. I know these things never get any easier for you, but three times a day, you know that."

     Brenda swallowed her pill and took the remaining bottles from Jax's hands, their touch sending sparks through the both of them.

     "Yes," she answered, "I do know that. And we're not married anymore, remember? And you're not my doctor."

     "Yes, but I am a doctor, Brenda." He picked up the clock. "It's almost 8:00 and if I hadn't woken you it's quite possible that you could have slipped into a coma." Brenda waved a dismissive hand at Jax and walked down the hallway past their children's room.

     "You're being dramatic, Jax. I have to take pills for a few more weeks, just to get my strength back up. It's not like I'm really sick or anything." Jax followed but leaned his head in the door to smile on them. He closed the door again quietly, and then continued downstairs.

     "You most certainly are sick," Jax protested. "And just because it's not life threatening, doesn't mean that it's not important for you to take these pills each day. Chronic fatigue is a very serious condition, Brenda."

     "If that's what I even have," she mumbled to herself. "You and those damn doctors can't even tell me what's wrong with me. How would you know if it's life threatening or not?" She thought Jax couldn't hear her, but he could, he just chose not to get into a battle of wills with her right now. He knew her condition wasn't life threatening, and he also knew it was chronic fatigue. Brenda was just tired of going to doctor after doctor for a final diagnosis that Jax had provided.

      "You want anything?" she asked, opening the refrigerator.

     "You mean do I want something that I cooked and put into the refrigerator so that my children won't starve?" The comment might have sounded cruel to others, but Brenda was the first to admit she was a disaster in the kitchen. She laughed a little at what he said, nodding.

     "Actually, that pasta you made yesterday is still here, I ate so much of it though, I don't know if there's enough for both of us."

     "You go ahead," Jax said, "I've got to be going." Brenda looked up at him, smiling weakly.

     "Date?" she asked. He nodded. She nodded. There was silence.

     "So," Brenda said, "I guess you better be on your way, then."

     "Brenda, are you taking care of yourself? This has only been a few months that you've been doing this on your own." Brenda wasn't sure if he was talking about the pills or her life without him. Both had happened around the same time. With both of her children, Brenda had developed chronic fatigue. When Isabella was born though, the fatigue had not disappeared. She had to take three pills a day. When she had Jax to help her, it wasn't that much of a challenge on her. She accepted the lifestyle changes it caused in her, and accepted the fact that this was probably the last baby she'd have, as she wasn't sure her body could survive another pregnancy.

     It wasn't as if she and Jax would have had more anyway. By the time Isabella was home, Jax was just about out the door. He stayed long enough to make sure she was okay with her routine, but then he'd moved across the street and cut her off from himself emotionally. To an outsider, it was as though they shared everything. How many divorced people still went grocery shopping together, and dropped their kids off in the morning and did sleepovers with their kids for their kids' benefit? Not many, and it was killing both of them to be in close proximity with each other given all that had happened, but it would have been even harder if Jax had moved all the way across town. Now THAT would have killed Brenda.

     "Look," Brenda said, "I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I'm fine. Really. I feel better already, I'm just going to have a little something. You should go, though, and get ready for your date." There was more than a hint of acid on her voice. They had only been divorced about three months but they'd been emotionally separate for even longer. After Sonny, Jax had stayed for Joshua's sake, but moved into a bedroom down the hall. Despite her protests, her begging him again and again to forgive her, he filed for divorce, stayed through the birth of Isabella, and then he'd left, leaving the children to live with her, but never once neglecting them as a father. In fact, he saw more of them than she did. He picked Joshua up at school, dropped him off most mornings, and had him all weekend, every weekend. They were two peas in a pod, and with his hair so blonde it was almost white and eyes so blue they were almost clear, Brenda knew her five year old was going to be a heartbreaker. Isabella, however, was a different story altogether.

     "Brenda, if you want, I can beg off this date. It's not for a while yet, I'm just having drinks with--" Brenda put up a hand in protest.

     "I did not ask for the details, all right?" Jax looked a little hurt, but he didn't respond in the way she expected him to. She so wanted him to for once argue with her, but he'd have none of it.

     "I just wanted you to know where I'd be, so here's the numbers," he said softly, taking them from his coat pocket and placing them next to her hand, rather than in her palm, the softness of which he would not soon forget, much like the softness of some other parts of her body that had been burned into his memory forever.

     Brenda tried to ignore the pain in his voice. She'd been deliberately nasty, and it hurt him, and she knew it. Part of her had been trying to wound him. Not to hurt him but to get some kind of reaction from him. She wasn't quite sure when he started shielding his feelings from her, but she knew it was a protective skill he'd developed after her leaving him one too many times to go back to Sonny Corinthos. The first time almost killed him, and it'd taken them so long to get back together, but then they'd been married, and they'd had a son together, four years of wonderful marriage and everything was perfect. But Sonny continued to pursue her. At first she'd told him that she was married, in love with Jax, and that she wasn't interested. But Sonny only took that as incentive to pursue her even more intensely. Jax kept long hospital hours, but he made it up to her every chance he got. Jax had never imagined she had any real reason to feel neglected. But apparently she had, that was the only reason Jax could come up with for her betrayal.

     Brenda had begun an affair with Sonny that ended as quickly as it began. But one time was all it took for the betrayal to count. She'd ended it immediately, not wanting things to end between herself and Jax. Before, when she'd left him for Sonny, they weren't married. Now they were as together as two people could be, in every sense of the word, and they had a son together. Brenda went home and did what she now considered something that was the stupidest, yet smartest thing she'd ever done. She seduced Jax, and a few weeks later, she was informed by her doctor that she was pregnant.

     She was happy at first, but then she remembered that the baby might not be Jax's and her heart practically stopped right then and there. At first she was adamant about the fact that no one would ever know anything and that she'd keep up the charade and carry the secret to her grave. But something, two things actually, stopped her, and neither of them were Jax. She'd had a physically demanding pregnancy with their son, Joshua, and she knew that for medical reasons, the correct father had to be on record. It could mean the life of her child or herself one day. Also, she knew Sonny wasn't stupid. The moment he realized she was pregnant, he'd make her find out if the baby was his or not, and she couldn't risk Sonny's methods of revealing the truth, and she couldn't bare for Jax to hear it from someone else.

      That's when she dropped the bombshell that she was pregnant. Jax was overjoyed at first, and then he saw the look on her face.

     "What's the matter, Brenda? Aren't you happy about this?" he never imagined that she wouldn't be. She nodded and smiled weakly. He made her stand and wrapped his arms around her. "Well then what on earth would put such a look of dismay on that beautiful face of yours?"

     Brenda took a deep breath and sighed, pulling out of his arms.

     "This is going to be hard," she whispered, the tears evident on her voice. "Jax, I don't know how to say this to you without hurting you so I'm just going to say it all right? And I need you to not say anything until I get it out, all right?"

     "All right," he said, not sure he wanted to hear what she had to say. She began with a shaky breath and went through the entire story up until the moment when she'd told him she was pregnant just now. He was quiet, dreadfully quiet, and Brenda wished he'd say something, throw something, hit something. He didn't move from where he stood in their bedroom. His eyes were ice blue with rage but his face betrayed only a calm demeanor.

     "Tell me it's not Sonny's," he'd said.

     "I can't do that," she whispered.

     "Are you sure?" he asked.

     "No. I mean the time's I was with both of you were so close, I--" Jax moved and stood with his back to her.

     "Did you tell him?" Jax asked.

     "No," Brenda said. "My doctor told me today."

     "Alexis knows?" Jax asked. Alexis Davis was Brenda's ob/gyn, and a close personal friend of Jax's.

     "I didn't tell her any of the circumstances, Jax. I just went to see her and she told me so. I was surprised, but I don't think she thought anything of my reaction. I just made another appointment and left, that's all. No one else knows about this."

     "Are you planning on telling him?" Jax asked.

     "I don't believe that this child is Sonny's," Brenda whispered, amazed that she was even having this conversation.

     "But you can't be sure," Jax said.

     "I'm almost sure," Brenda protested. How stupid did she sound? She was mentally kicking herself.

     Jax sighed, shaking his head.

     "I don't know which of us is more masochistic, Brenda. You, for going back to that man, over and over, or me for coming back to you." She rose to place her hands on his back and thought she'd be sick when he flinched from her touch and stepped away from her. He was closing himself off, and she could already feel him beginning to go.

     They decided to wait until Isabella was born, and Sonny seemed satisfied with that, to Brenda's surprise. He must have really thought the child was his, and he recognized this as the perfect opportunity to force Brenda back into his life. He stood on the sidelines waiting for the truth to be revealed. What he didn't count on, though, was an all out war with Moreno, a competitor, that forced him to leave town under the cloak of darkness. He hadn't said goodbye to Brenda, but when she realized he was gone, she was hurt at first, but then relieved that he wouldn't be involved in her life with Jax anymore. She wasn't sure how she felt about Sonny, but she knew she wasn't in love with him anymore, and his presence would only serve to be the last nail in the coffin that stood to hold Brenda and Jax's marriage.

     During her pregnancy, Jax stayed with her and took care of her, but she could tell it was so hard for him, all he wanted to do was get as far away from her as possible. She did what she could to make it easy on him. She did a lot for herself, but there was even more that she needed him to do for her. When she'd gone into labor, Jax had been with her in the hospital, right by her side. He'd fallen in love with the dark haired Isabella from the moment she made her appearance in this world. He held her for a few minutes, and then Brenda had her turn, and when Isabella was taken to the nursery and Brenda to her room, Jax took the opportunity to explain to Brenda that he loved Isabella and he didn't want to know whether or not he was her father. Brenda was glad but sad as well. What if he weren't her father? What if he was? It didn't look like Sonny was ever coming back, but she couldn't be sure of that yet. Part of Brenda wanted to insist on finding out the truth, but a small part of her took this to mean that Jax wanted to reconcile with her. She realized quickly though, that that was not the case. He'd taken her home, doted on Isabella, falling even more in love with the child he prayed was his own. He vowed to never treat her any differently and Brenda let the issue rest, tired of arguing with Jax. No matter what happened, she knew all too well how a father affected his daughter, and she wanted the best possible father for her daughter, and that was without a doubt, Jax. Now Isabella was three months old, Jax had moved out, they'd gotten a divorce, and she did what she could to get on in life without the man of her dreams.

     Brenda was shaken from her thoughts by the sound of the microwave. Just then, Jax was coming down the stairs with Joshua in his arms. Brenda opened her mouth to protest to Jax waking up their five year old, but thought better of it. They plopped down on the couch together, and Joshua proceeded to tell Jax about his day, and Jax listened intently. Brenda watched their smiles and whispers, and envied the bond they had with one another. She wished for that for Isabella's sake, and she knew Jax had a lot of love in his heart, but she had taxed that reserve long ago, and what man could love another man's child? If anyone could, it was Jax, but she wasn't about to put him to the test unnecessarily.

     Joshua was getting sleepy again, and leaned against his father's chest as Jax stood up with him in his arms. Brenda turned away from them as Jax glanced at her, a smile of bliss on his face. She didn't know of a man who got more happiness out of his children, except for Jax's brother, Ned. His daughter Brooke and he were inseparable. Would it be that way for Jax and Belle? Brenda responded without thinking to the sound of her daughter's cries. But Jax beat her up the stairs. She hung back a bit as Jax lightly tossed Josh onto his bed and picked up Isabella.

     "All right now, luv," he cooed. "Daddy's here. Missed me, huh? I missed you too, pumpkin." Isabella quieted immediately, her blue eyes matching Jax's in intensity. She did continue to whimper though, and Jax decided to take her for a bottle. He kissed Josh goodnight and then walked past Brenda to the kitchen.

     "You don't have to do that, you know," Brenda said. "You should go, you've made plans. We don't want to keep you." Jax glanced at his watch and then smiled, making faces at Isabella.

     "That's all right Brenda," he said. "I have some time, and I'm already to go. Alexis will understand." Brenda's breath caught in her throat. At her abrupt silence, Jax rose his gaze to hers while feeding Isabella. He hadn't meant for her to find out this way. He was sorry for it coming out so quickly, but only a small portion of him hurt to know that she was hurt by his admission.

     "You're dating Alexis?" Brenda asked. She tried not to sound upset, but she didn't know how that was possible. "You're seeing my doctor?" Jax could hear the anger on her voice that she was trying without success to conceal.

     "I'm having drinks with her," Jax said. "It's not that big a deal."

     "But it's a date," Brenda said sarcastically. "See I'm just trying to understand, you know, so that I won't be confused." Jax was starting to get angry with her, and he knew that she didn't want him to tell her what he was really feeling at this moment.

     "Brenda, I'm not going to get into this with you. Alexis is my friend, I've known her for years, and--"

     "She's wanted you for years too, Jax."

     "What the hell difference is it to you?" Jax asked. Before Brenda could answer, he handed her Isabella and grabbed his coat to leave. He kissed the baby on the head and Brenda had to move to avoid her cheek making contact with his lips by accident. Any other time she would have tried to sneak a kiss, but this news had upset her to no end. Had she expected him to remain celibate for his entire life? Why did this bother her so much? They weren't married after all. But she was in no way over him by any means. And the fact that he still sometimes saw her in her underwear didn't help. They were entirely too close for two people who were trying to get over each other. Apparently he was having more luck than she was.

Song Credit: "Whenever You Call" by Mariah Carey from the Butterfly album.