Mr. Hamlish was an odd fellow. He didn’t speak much. He just walked and watched and sat and stared and scribbled. Occasionally he spoke quietly into his little black tape recorder.

     He interviewed all of the household staff and then had one on ones with the family members and then with Jax and Brenda separately. At dinner he sat off to the side watching the family and writing things down furiously in his neat little notebook. When dinner was done he followed Jax and Brenda upstairs. It was 8:45 p.m.

     "A bit early to retire for the evening for a couple as young as you are," Mr. Hamlish said in his crisp, monotone voice as she wrote something down in his notebook.

     "No, don’t write that down," Brenda said quickly. "We’re not going to bed. Are we Jax?"

     Jax shook his head.

     "Then what are you doing?" Hamlish asked.

     "We’re going to take a shower," Jax ad-libbed as he disappeared into the bathroom, dragging Brenda with him and shutting the door in the face of the scribbling Hamlish.

     Inside the bathroom Brenda was laughing. "Do you think he’s standing out there by the door?" she whispered.

     "Yep," Jax said. "You better turn on the shower."

     Brenda walked across the mint green marble floor and over to the step-down roman-style bathtub. She turned the crystal faucet of the shower and the water sprayed out.

     "Now what?" she said.

     "Well I think we have to stay in here for about 45 minutes to make it seem convincing," Jax responded as he sat on the edge of the tub.

     "Okay," she agreed and then her eyes lit up. "Hey, I know what we can do. Let me wash your hair," she said. "I love your hair. I’ve always wanted to play with it when it’s all wet."

     He looked at her as if she were crazy. "No."

     "Oh come on, Jax, it’ll be fun."

     "It will not be fun."

     She laughed. "Yes it will," she said reaching for the shampoo.

     "Brenda," he groaned, getting up to try and get away from her, or rather get his blonde locks away from her.

     She detached the flexible showerhead massager unit so that it was in her hand and she sprayed him with it.

     "Hey!" he objected. "Can’t you ever just take no for an answer, woman?"

     "No. Come on, Jax, it’s not like I’m going to make your hair fall out or anything."

     "I’d like that in writing please."

     She laughed, holding the sprayer menacing in front of him. "I want to wash your hair," she said.

     "Yes, I heard you the first time, and the answer is still no."

     She sprayed him again. "Sit," she said, pointing to one of the stools by the double sinks.

     He did not sit. He did however, grab the sprayer form her and spray it down her shirt.

     Her laughing scream was heard clearly by the curious Mr. Hamlish who scribbled more notes down.

     Brenda grabbed two cans of shaving cream and emptied them both all over Jax’s clothes. He then picked up the screaming 19 year old and deposited her fully clothed into the shower.

     She stood there laughing hysterically. "Okay, okay, you win," she said stepping out of the shower and dripping all over the floor which had Jax laughing.

     "I always do," he told her.

     "All I wanted to do was wash your damn hair!" she said, still laughing as she reached over and tousled his damp locks.

     "Well, seeing as how you’ve made a complete mess out of me, you might as well go ahead and do it now," he said as he took off his shirt.

     Brenda sighed. "Now what did you have to go and do that for?" she said.

     He saw the way she was looking at him as he tossed his shirt by the sink counter. "Hey, don’t you go getting distracted on me," he said as he searched for the shampoo she had dropped.

     "But I don’t want to wash your hair now," she said running her fingernails down his chest.

     Jax gave her a cute smile. "Hey, what did Hamlish say to you when you were meeting with him?" he asked her.

     "He asked me how we met. Then he asked me things like how old you were, what your birthday was, what your favorite color was, what college you went to, your favorite food, your favorite TV show, your favorite singer and which side of the bed you slept on."

     "Oh," Jax said. "Wow, I guess we should have rehearsed or something. Sorry. What did you tell him?"

     "24, April 22nd, Blue, Harvard, anything pasta, The X-Files, Sting, and left."

     He blinked in amazement. "How did you . . .know that?"

     She shrugged and smiled at him.

     Hmm. This was rather eerie, he thought. Did she know him that well already?

     "Then he asked me how old Justin and Jerry were and I said 22 and 28, right?"

     Jax nodded.

     "Then he asked me to name all the members of the staff. Niles, Vince, Dorie, Anna, Tina and Lionel, right?"

     He nodded again.

     "Well then I guess I passed," she said proudly

     "He asked you all of that?" Jax said looking a little puzzled. "He only asked me one thing."

     Now Brenda looked puzzled too. "One thing? What one thing?"

     Jax paused momentarily. "He just . . .well he asked me if I loved you," he mumbled and then he found the shampoo and picked it up. "Okay Venus, do your thing," he said tossing the bottle of shampoo to her.

     Brenda caught it and looked at him. "That was all he asked you?"

     "Yes," Jax said, sitting on the stool in front of the sink.

     "And what did you say?" Brenda wanted know.

     He looked at her, his blue eyes ambiguous. "I gave the right answer," was all he said as he spun around and Brenda poured the shampoo into her hands with a thoughtful look on her face.

     At 10 p.m. the Jacks house was hopping as a surprised Mr. Hamlish looked on while the Jacks clan all rushed down thier respective staircases and converged somewhere downstairs.

     Mr. Hamlish looked at Niles. "Is this common?" he asked him.

     "Oh yes," Niles said.

     "Well what are they doing?" Hamlish inquired.

     "I believe it’s war," Niles said gravely as with a little smile he went about his business.

     War? What on earth?! Mr. Hamlish went downstairs to what this was all about and why there was so much loud chatter and he found himself in front of the closed doors of the parlor. He opened the doors to see what was going on and saw everybody except for John and Jane dressed in combat gear and holding machine guns.

     "Oh my God!" he exclaimed in shock as he clutched his notebook to his heart.

     "Relax, old man," John Jacks said. "We never shoot guests. Only each other."

     Hamlish’s eyes popped open in horror.

     "Dad, don’t give the man a coronary," Jax chastised. "It’s a paintball war," he explained to the agitated Hamlish.

     "Paintball?" Hamlish repeated.

     "The guns are loaded with paint, not bullets," Justin elaborated. "So when we get shot we just get messy, we don’t require funeral arrangements."

     "Oh, I . . I see," Hamlish stuttered. This family was insane! "And you have this - ahem - war with paint at this hour of the night?"

     "It’s too hot and humid in the daytime. These women wouldn’t last two seconds," Jerry said dismissively as he loaded Halle’s gun with yellow paint and Brenda’s gun with soft pellets of blue paint.

     "As a woman I resent that remark," Juliet said to her oldest brother knocking the butt of her gun against his leg.

     "Well of course you do, pest. Just be prepared to get you little blond behind kicked." Jerry warned her as he and Justin exchanged a high five.

     Brenda was so excited about her first time in the family war-zone. "Who won last year?" she asked.

     "Jax," everyone responded in unison.

     Brenda smiled proudly at him. "Figures," she said.

     "Yes but his reign at the top is over," Justin predicted. "I was this close behind him last year, but he ambushed me from a tree. But this year, I think my time has come!" he said beating his chest like Tarzan.

     "Yes, your time to go back to the sanitarium you escaped from, you mean," Juliet said and she got a gorgeous smile out of Devon which made her go all soft and mushy inside.

     "All right brood, now for Brenda’s benefit, I shall explain the rules," John said. "This war takes place along the hiking trails to the bayou. They are very well lighted but you can take cover very well behind the huge oaks and the various magnolia hedges. Jane and I will be the referees and you must hit your adversaries in the chest or head areas. Any other areas are only considered flesh wounds and they can fire back on you. There are three levels of difficulty and for whomever captures the flags at each level they win a prize. Now of course the more difficult the level the more magnificent the prize." He looked at a list in his hand, "Let see, the prizes this year are as follows. Whomever captures the black flag gets the limited edition gold apple computer. Whomever captures the red flag gets the new Sony audio visual center, and whomever retrieves the white flag with the skull and crossbones gets a red Lexus Jeep."

     Brenda gasped in delight when the Jeep was mentioned.

     "Oh look out, Jax, I think your wife wants the Jeep," Devon said.

     "Yes I think she does," Jax agreed gazing at Brenda.

     "You’ll have to beat Jax to get it, Bren, " Juliet whispered to Brenda. "And that’s practically impossible. He’s really way too good and you’re new at this. So don’t feel bad in case you don’t win it."

     Brenda nodded.

     "All right, troops. Let’s move it out!" John said as the bewildered and confused Hamlish watched them march out of the house like troops going off to war.

     At 1:29 a.m. the paint splattered troops came marching home amidst happy chatter and the typical noisy Jacks carousing. Mr. Hamlish was exhausted but his watching this 3 and a half our war had been wonderful, albeit bizarre entertainment and had given him a lot of information about the true state of affairs between the newlywed Jacks.

     Jerry and JoAnna, who were both completely splattered with green paint bid everyone goodnight and headed, arm in arm, for the guest-house. Everyone else entered the mansion and then bid each other cheery goodnights as they all went up their respective staircases.

     Hamlish followed Jax and Brenda up the stairs as Brenda giddily jingled the keys to her new Lexus Jeep.

     "Well that was quite a show," Hamlish commented. "I could not help but notice, Mr. Jacks, that everyone seemed to have been blasted quite accurately with green paint. That was your color, was it not? Odd that everyone was shot with green paint and yet you, you were shot with blue paint, and your wife, well look at her. Not a spot on her. Don’t they call that cheating? I mean isn’t that rather underhanded? Ah, but this is a family of corporate raiders who seem to live for the underhanded coup." Hamlish said with a bemused half- smile as he entered the bedroom next to theirs. "It was actually quite chivalrous," he said as he shut the door.

     Jax and Brenda went into their bedroom and the minute they were inside she trapped him against the door in a burst of passion.

     "He’s right. You made sure nobody got me, didn’t you?" she said giggling.

     "It’s my job to protect you," he responded with a smile that melted her heart.

     "You cremated everybody, Jax," she said in amazement. Even Devon. Even Justin and he was really good. And then you let me shoot you and you let me win."

     "Not really. I mean you were really . . ." he tried to think of something she had done well in the paintball fight. She had been incredibly cute and incredibly clumsy, jamming her paint gun and nearly shooting herself with it half the time – hitting far more oak trees than people. Never in a million years would she have won the jeep had he not acted as a sniper for her. "You were really . . ." he repeated, " . . . . umm . . . . fast. Yeah, you were really fast."

     "Yeah but I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. You were following me taking everybody out weren’t you?" she said laughing.

     "Our little secret," he said kissing her lips softly and then he began to get out of his paint stained combat outfit.

     "I had so much fun! I’ll be better next year I promise, so you won’t have to annihilate everybody for me."

     His eyebrows rose up. Next year? She was planning on being here next year? Did she mean as Juliet’s friend or as his wife? Should he be worried about her thinking this way? Should he be happy about it? Why was he asking himself these questions?!?!?!

     "And you, of course were great!" she continued stripping out of her clothes too. "You’re so . . . athletic the way you jumped over those bushes and tackled Jerry and caught me when I was about to fall into the swamp" she said gazing at him adoringly which caused the thing to rear it’s ugly head inside of him. "Hey, did you see how Mr. Hamhock was staring at us the whole time?" she remarked.

     Jax grinned at her hamhock reference. "Yes I noticed. He filled up two whole pages in his little black book."

     "I wish I could get a peek at that little black book," she said as she tapped her fingers against her chin.

     "Don’t even think about it, Venus. You’ll only make things worse. I’m going to take a shower."

     She rose one playful eyebrow and giggled. "Can I wash your hair?"

     He grinned at her and hoisted her over his shoulder taking her with him into the shower. He should be irritated by her, he thought. With the way she was making it impossible for him to just end this Thing. He should be irritated with her for being so impossibly beautiful, and for having such a cute personality and for making him feel things he had never felt before and for making him not even mind having a wife, which was bloody blasphemy! But the person he was irritated at was himself, for how he was allowing her to get to him, to get inside of his heart deeper every day without him doing anything in self defense. And he was irritated at how happy he was that she was just here with him right now. He’d had no intention of making love to her tonight, deciding earlier this morning that he had to start taking preemptive measures to reverse the thing. And since making love to her been the catalyst that had forced him into realizing what it was he was feeling for her, he reasoned that not making love to her would possibly deflect some of that feeling away. But as pulled her with him into the shower and immediately their lips connected in a now familiar blaze of passion, he knew that tonight was not going to be a night of abstinence.

     Jax was awakened by the blaring sound of The Spice Girls as opposed to his usual newsradio wake up.

     "What the hell is that?" he murmured, sitting up in the bed and rubbing his eyes.

     His movements woke Brenda. "It’s music," she informed him.

     "Well that’s debatable. What happened to the news?" he asked as she reached across her to shut off the alarm and the yakking Spice Girls who were singing redundantly about wanting to be somebody’s lover.

     "You’re obsessed with the news Jax," Brenda said.

     "It happens to be a part of my livelihood thank you very much. And God, I’d rather listen to fingernails dragging across a blackboard than that cackling crew of teenyboppers."

     Brenda laughed. "Jax, they’re older than I am. Besides, don’t you get bored waking up to stock quotes every morning?" she asked snuggling her bare back against his warm chest.

     "No," he said, sliding his fingers slowly through her hair as if they were a comb.

     "Well I thought you might."

     "Well I don’t."

     She laughed. "Okay," she said. "But you should know that I’m used to waking up to music."

     "Well I’m not and it’s my bedroom."

     "It’s our bedroom. And I’ll bet if it was a song you liked you wouldn’t even be complaining."

     "I’m not complaining. I’m just in traumatic shock from having to hear those damned Spice Girls first thing in the morning. It was scary Brenda."

     She laughed and leaned her head against his shoulder. She felt his lips touch her forehead.

     "Jax?"

     "Yes?"

     "Would you be mad at me if I told you something?"

     "That depends -- what are you going to tell me?"

     "That I always wanted you."

     He was silent for a moment. "Okay . . .and?

     "And . . ." she hesitated. She wanted to say, "And I tricked you into marrying me because I wanted to let you see how perfect we are together and now don’t you see and aren’t you glad I tricked you?" But instead she said. "And now I got you."

     "For now," he agreed, his hand sliding along her tummy.

     "For always," she said defiantly.

     He smiled down at her even though she could not see him since she was not facing him. "I think we have a difference of opinion," he pointed out.

     "I don’t. I think one of us is just shy," she said and she heard him laughing.

     "Brenda, shy is not a word that describes either one of us in the least, certainly not me if that’s what you’re trying to say."

     They heard the breakfast bell ringing and put their discussion on hold to hope out of bed and get ready to join the family for the morning meal.

     Next door, a bleary eyed Mr. Hamlish was packed and ready to go. He went downstairs and bid the surprised family good-day at the breakfast table, said Brenda would be informed of their decision soon, and left the house.

     Brenda dropped her fork. "He’s leaving?" she said mortified. "After just one day? Jax. we’re dead!"

     "Not necessarily," Jax said.

     "I think he’s going to report us all to Creedmore Sanitarium," John said.

     "Do you think they make red straight jackets, dad? I don’t look good in white," Juliet said.

     "You don’t look good in anything," Justin said laughing.

     His sister zinged a cinnamon raisin muffin at his head.

     "Don’t you have any class, Pest? Use the chocolate chip," Jerry said handing her a chocolate chip muffin which she promptly hurled at the ducking Justin.

     While the muffins were flying Jane turned to Brenda. "Oh Brenda darling, don’t be silly. Anyone can tell that the two of you are. . ." Lady Jane paused, catching Jax’s blue eyed gaze of annoyance. "What I mean is that you’re both very convincing as man and wife," she said her dancing eyes focused on her son who rolled his eyes at her and then buried his head in the paper trying to ignore his mother.

     Niles let out Mr. Hamlish and then watched as Mr. Hamlish ran into Chad, who was approaching the house. Niles went out onto the porch, hiding behind one of the roman columns discreetly as he watched them.

     "Hamlish. Where are you going?" Chad asked seeing the man with luggage in his hand.

     "Oh, good-morning Dr. Stanton. I’m on my way back to New York actually. And not a day too soon. This town is impossibly hot and this family is quite insane. It is physically exhausting trying to keep tabs on these people."

     Chad smiled. "Yes they are an eccentric bunch. Well so that didn’t take you very long, did it? I’m not surprised given how good you are at detecting this sort of thing. Listen, even though this was a case of deliberate fraud I really must insist that you take into consideration how young Brenda is. It’s absurd to prosecute her for this. If you charge her a fine I’ll gladly pay it."

     "Oh she won’t be prosecuted, Dr. Stanton. I’m not quite sure what spurred your accusations about the nature of her marriage to your friend Jasper Jacks," Hamlish said, "but I’m completely convinced that they are in fact in love with one another – ridiculously so I might add. And I’m also convinced that they have indeed consummated this marriage several times over, including last night as can be attested to my these ghastly bags you see under my eyes since I had the misfortune to be sleeping in the room next to theirs and got to hear first hand just how er . . . . enthusiastic they are. Further, I have no reason to believe that they have any intention of divorcing one another once Brenda gets her father’s money," the insurance detective concluded.

     Chad was stunned, both by Hamlish’s decision that the marriage was not fraudulent as well as his shocking disclosure that Jax and Brenda were indeed sleeping together and apparently having a jolly old time doing so.

     "You can’t be serious!" Chad shot out while Niles did all he could not to give himself away by bursting out into laughter.

     "I am," Hamlish responded.

     "But I tell you this is a sham! She asked me to marry her first and that’s why I know of this first hand. She told me it was a sham to get her money. She told me that!"

     "So you’ve said. And perhaps it was true when she had you in mind for the groom. However, I can tell you with certainty that that girl is madly in love with the man she is now married to. There is no doubt."

     Chad was furious. "Did Jax pay you off?" he accused.

     "I beg your pardon!" Hamlish snapped.

     Chad apologized. "I’m sorry, I’m just so stunned that you would have come to such an erroneous conclusion and in less than 24 hours to boot!"

     "When you’re as good as I am, Dr. Stanton, you don’t need more than 24 hours to see what is as plain as day. And I can assure you that my conclusion is not in the least erroneous," Hamlish said coldly.

     "All right, listen here. Now I’m sure that Brenda is convincing to you because she obviously does have a crush on Jax. I mean, hell everyone seems to get a crush on him sooner or later, but . . ."

     "This is not a crush, Dr. Stanton. As I just told you I’ve been doing this far too long to be fooled by a 19 year old girl. She is in love with him. There is no question of that. Let it be."

     "But he’s not in love with her," Chad jumped in. "I mean it isn’t at all mutual."

     "It most certainly is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going."

     "So that’s it?!" Chad asked incredulous that his and Iris’ plan had come to such quick, laughable ruin and still fuming at the revelation that Jax and Brenda’s marriage was no longer platonic. "You’re not going to investigate any further? You’re not going to do anything, damn it? You’re just going to let them get away with this and stay married?!"

     Hamlish sighed. "Sir, the insurance company does appreciate your coming forward to report your suspicions, however, there is no case of fraud here. Those two young people are guilty of nothing but being in love with each other and being part of a rather bizarre family. Now, good-day to you!" Hamlish said with finality as he put on his hat and walked down the walkway to where a cab awaited him.

     "Why you stupid, stupid old man!" Chad muttered in a rage as Hamlish got into the cab. Then Chad did an about face and marched up to the steps of the house. As he reached the porch, Niles shot out from behind the roman column startling Chad who nearly fell backwards down the steps.

     "Oh it’s you," Chad sneered. "Look, no more of your petty nonsense, all right? I’m here to see . ."

     "No one," Niles finished. "Because you see I’m about to go inside and tell this family every word I just heard you uttering to that nice Mr. Hamlish. I think it’s safe to say you will become persona non grata in this house in under ten seconds."

     Chad’s eyes narrowed. "You were listening!"

     "Yes, we butlers have a nasty habit of doing that."

     "Why you interfering little . . . .You wouldn’t . . no you wouldn’t dare tell them! Listen to me, I can explain what you heard. Niles! Are you listening to me? Niles!"

     Niles threw his head back and roared with laughter as he walked inside shutting the door in Chad’s yelling face.